Is generosity a teachable trait?
“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” ~ John Bunyan
When my children were younger
We used to visit our friends for play dates. Whenever it would involve a certain friend, her children would bring a gift for our children.
When I say gift, I don't mean a piece of candy or a picture that they had drawn. These would be $30 gifts - brand new, unopened, from Toys'R Us.
It was so kind, but it was overwhelming. I didn't expect that kind of generosity, and I certainly couldn't afford to reciprocate it. I felt bad and one day, I tried to firmly refuse the gifts. I told her how much we appreciated her always willing to do these things, but we simply couldn't keep accepting the gifts like this!
Without a moment's hesitation, she turned so that her children couldn't hear her hushed voice. As she spoke the next unforgettable words, her eyes held so much kindness and her voice carried so much loving understanding.
"Please don't do that. It's really important to us as parents that we teach our children to give generously. Please don't inhibit that."
If there was an ounce of ego or a flash of indignant pride in her statement, I would have dismissed her words and held firm. What I saw, however, was sincerity, warmth, love, and humility. It not only changed my mind about accepting the gifts, but also changed my mind how we were being examples of generosity to our children.
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Years later, I would cringe as my young children would give EVERYTHING that they had saved in a month to a homeless person on the street. My jaded heart couldn't help but peek to which face was on the bill that they handed over.
Instead of immediately snatching it back, I quietly would ask them about their motivation to do so. Their words would always humble my heart. In their own child-like paraphrase, they would be explaining how it was better to give than receive. Explaining it to me - their mother. I wasn't teaching them to be generous. They were teaching me.
Wrestling through this each time was difficult, but a lesson that I was bound and determined to learn. I began to also give until it hurt. Strangely, the hurt was momentary. What remained and spread was the glow of giving, and the love that was shared, and the honor that God would choose me to be a participant in this living lesson. There were times when someone would receive the donation with such honest thanks, that it would connect our hearts instantly. The giving and receiving weren't separate acts. They were two sides of one coin that both parties touched simultaneously.
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There were times when I watched as my children had a different experience - times when others took advantage of their generosity. The tiger in me rose immediately to defend my children and attack the predators of life. I remember vividly when my son had given a woman enough money to drive at least 500 miles. The woman took his money, walked around some other cars and began to beg for more money. Instead of attacking, I chose to breathe, sheathe my claws, and ask my son about what had just happened.
"Well, I think if she had really needed the money for gas to get home, she would have taken what I gave her to put gas in her car. But she didn't. She went and asked for more money from other people. I saw her."
"Yeah, I agree. Do you feel angry for giving her money?"
"I think she did that because she thinks I'm a kid, and I don't know any better. I'm more angry that she would do that to a kid. I worked hard for that money. I think I'll just be a little cautious now. There are probably people who'll try to try to do that again. It makes me mad. But it won't make me stop giving."
How is it possible that these experiences feel like they're teaching me more than they're teaching my children?
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We had the most insane 24 hours yesterday. That's a subject for the next post, but I'll tell you a bit of what happened. As I was shopping, my daughter (who is now 15) separated from me and went to get her own shopping done. I couldn't find her by the time I was ready to checkout, so I figured we would meet up in the car. As I was bagging the last item, I heard a familiar voice.
"Hi Mama"
"Oh! There you are! I thought maybe you had already gone to the car." I perused over her items: drinks, granola bars, boxes of snacks - she must be filling her "store" for the neighborhood kids to buy in the MicroWorld that they had created.
She finished paying, put her bag in my cart and we started walking to the car together. As soon as the doors opened, before us was a family. The dad held a sign and kept repeating the words, "money, food?", while the mom sat against the pillar and looked away with what seemed to be embarassment. The beautiful baby girl who was barely walking, waved to everyone. Her little voice was filled with joy as she was completely unaware of their predicament. She was intent on greeting everyone who passed with a continual, bubbly mantra of "Hi! Hi! Hi!"
My heart broke. I had just paid for our cart of supplies with my ATM card and didn't have even a dime in my pocket or my wallet. What should I do? As I was getting closer to them, my heart filled with anxiety.
"I'll be right there, Mama."
My daughter grabbed her bag out of my cart, and walked behind me to reach them. She didn't take out a box of treats to share - she gave them the entire bag. My heart absolutely burst with so many emotions.
The man took the bag with gratitude, and we continued to our car. When a respectful distance had passed, she spoke first.
"Wasn't that so cool?!"
"Yes! I didn't even see them on the way in!"
"They weren't there."
"How did you know to buy something for them?"
"I wasn't buying it for them. I was buying it to be prepared. I was going to keep it in the car, but they were right there!"
"That is amazing!!!"
"I know!!!!!!"
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On our last stop before home, we had one more shop to visit. I was exhausted. It was so late, we had been running around all day. Ninety minutes of driving was still ahead of me after this last shop. I just wanted to get home. I assumed the kids would stay in the car. (15 and 17 - haha, don't panic!) No. My sweet "shadow"girl always comes in with me, no matter what.
We separated again, and I assumed she was getting some candy for the ride home.
When we met up at the checkout, once again, her cart was once again filled with the same items from the afternoon.
*Text separators created by me, using the Rosette110621 font*
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Awesome post - thank you!
And yes, it can be taught, as my parents modeled this for me and my sisters growing up. We all not only donated money or goods, but our time and talents, and it has always come back to us in amazing and wonderful ways.
And yeah, sometimes someone takes advantage, but so what? I've given gas money to a lot of people over the years, and statistics alone says that a few were likely playing me. If I really helped one person who was truly in need, I'm okay with being played by one or more who weren't, because maybe they'll be moved at some point to pay it forward, and to help someone else.
But then there was the one night where I just suddenly had to go to the store, despite not really needing what I was going to get until the next day, but I had this wild hare that I had to do it tonight. Now. Despite it already being late.
So I went, got what I needed, and on the way back to my car, I was approached by a young woman who was clearly distraught, trying to get gas money to get to her mom in Knoxville.
She had just run out of her abusive relationship, had her two little kids with her in the car, with pretty much nothing but the clothes on their backs. She didn't have enough gas to get across town, much less to Knoxville, so I had her follow me to the gas station next door, put more than enough fuel in her tank, and gave her what little cash I had on me.
Was she playing me? I'd bet cash money she was not.
I felt strongly that the reason I felt that I had to go to the store NOW was that I was being called to help her. And everything in me said that she was not acting, that her plight was real, and that her gratitude was real.
I pray that everything worked out well for them in the end.
Your kids are awesome, but you already know that. And they have an awesome mom. ;-)
wow!!!! thank you for sharing that! I love your heart! Don't you wish that you could have a peek into their lives... wonder what happened? Wonder if that was just the final piece of the puzzle for them?
so neat! I also pray that everything worked out for them! because now they've touched my life too! :)
I so appreciate your comment and your interaction with me :)
Any time. Always lovely to make the acquaintance of someone who actually thinks and considers their actions. ;-)
I was lucky, because my dad taught grade school in South Central L.A., and my mom really should have been a teacher, but she was a great teacher to us.
For all special occasions, be it Christmas, Easter or whatever, we would bake cookies or do crafts for my dad's students, and we would eat the broken cookies, while saving the "perfect" ones for his kids at school.
I remember my mom actually apologizing to my sister and I once, for us having to eat the broken cookies, but our attitude was that the broken cookies tasted just as good, and we knew that these kids had a much rougher life than we did. We were happy to give them the prettiest cookies we could manage to make, and proud of our ability to do so.
And one day, when we accompanied my mom, who was picking up my dad from school, and walking down the school hallway we were literally spat on by a group of kids because we were white, we didn't carry any animosity because of it.
Even at those ages, and we were probably around eight and twelve, we understood that, what was an anomaly for us, was daily life for these kids. We understood in a very real way that we were the lucky ones, and therefore, were happy to do what we could to make these kids' lives better, in whatever small ways we could.
We were also really lucky in that my dad had several close friends, including his mentor at the USC School of Music, who were black, highly successful, and willing to speak candidly about racial issues with us as kids. None of that "kids should be seen and not heard" crap in our house. We were expected to be polite and respectful, and not to speak out of turn, but we were encouraged to ask questions, and to be part of the conversation.
We learned a lot more than many of our peers as a result. And it stuck with all three of us, and informed our lives as adults.
Clearly, you are treating your kids with the same level of respect, and THAT is what is missing from most parenting. Kudos to you for recognizing your kids as the amazing beings that they are.
WOW. Your comments could be amazing posts!!!! (but i love them as amazing comments! hehehehe)
You've really lived a rich life and your parents blessed you with the opportunity to learn valuable concepts at such a young age! I'll need to follow you after this introduction!!! :)
Thanks again for being so willing to share your life!!! :)
Yeah, it's funny, I was just talking to my husband about this, and one of my favorite Thanksgiving memories is along these lines.
We were celebrating Thanksgiving with my in-laws, back when I was still married to my former spouse, and my sister-in-law and I were sent to the liquor store to get more wine and beer for the family.
On the way back, we spotted a man who appeared to be homeless, and Amanda said, "We have tons of food. I'd really like to fix this guy a plate, the full Thanksgiving dinner with all the fixings, and bring it back to him."
I thought it was a great idea, so we delivered the wine and beer, fixed the guy a full Thanksgiving dinner, complete with pie, and went back out to take it to him. And then couldn't find him.
I drove up and down the streets, trying to find the guy, and finally Amanda said, "Well, I guess we'll just give it to the next homeless person we come across."
At which point, we finally spotted the guy, and I pulled up next to him, so that we could deliver his dinner to him, complete with utensils.
I wish I could describe the look on the man's face, but my wordsmithing isn't up to the task. But he was clearly grateful, moved, and a bit overwhelmed that we would even bother.
We returned to her parents home, quiet and humbled.
This remains my single favorite Thanksgiving memory.
I'm serious... you need to post this! :) hehehehe I'm the only one who gets to hear these stories as I read my comments :)
I have a few similar stories.... of people who we still remember to this day after being able to touch their lives with a gift.
Isn't it so neat that we can still remember them! They aren't just tokenary actions - when you open your heart to loving people.. a really special connection is made.
it reminds me of that movie -Inside Out (isn't that what it was called? where all the emotions were characters inside the girl's head? hehehehe
but when a core memory is made... it's a special one!
we probably have a lot of core memories! :)
and i've also been on the receiving end! times where we needed help and there were people who blew us away with their love!
so cool to be on both sides :)
Absolutely true. Lovely to connect with you. ;-)
Okay, this thread finally inspired my Day 73 Daily Haiku, which you can find under the title "In Gifts from the Heart." ;-)
Thanks again for your post. Lovely and meaningful, and obviously, brought forth lots of good memories for me. ;-)
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It really is a wonderful thing to raise children that make you glow with pride.
It sounds to me they are both like their fabulous mum :)
I agree!!! They just bring me so much joy!!
We have four :)
The two that are still at home, one who is married, and one still waiting to officially meet us in heaven :)
Thank you @andysantics48 for your special friendship to me :)
I'm glad you get such joy from them - it's a warm fuzzy feeling to have family that love you!!! You are most welcome and the feeling of special friendship is reciprocated :D
This line really struck me. I have been in the charity organization that we started 11 years ago and we don't d it for fame or to be said to be good people. we even have a lot of people who want to remain anonymous and they are our biggest benefactors.
The story you had about your 15 year old daughter just doing that completely floored me and you know you did such a good job raising them if they do that without even thinking of what benefit they have.
Thank you!!! She really doesn't think often of herself. Others first! They hold so lightly onto things of this world!!! They care more about the love that they share. And it shows!!!!
It's true... The people who give without recognition... They're very special! It's like the John Bunyan line at the top of the post... To give when you KNOW there is no way to be repaid....
Wow.
And that doesn't mean repaid in money. Sometimes people.seek fame or a boost in their ego...or even public thanks!
But an anonymous gift... No strings attached... Those are truly special gifts 😊
Thank you for the wonderful comment!!!
You've been doing something right sweets!
I think mostly by getting out of the way and letting God touch their hearts directly!!! Hahahahaha
I feel like sometimes.being quiet and just having the courage to sit back and watch from a distance (instead of trying to be their teacher and control things) is what's best! Especially when I'm learning too!!! Hehehee
Thanks for the encouragement @enginewitty 😊
Just wow. You are an amazing mother and your children show that tenfold. They are so humble and considerate to the world around them and I'm amazed by the way that they understand and handle situations.
Your family is a bunch of superstars! Hallelujah for the dreemsteem family :D
They're the jewels in my crown 👑 hehehe
I love that people say ohhhh you have teenagers! How's that going for you??? Lol
That gives me the chance to gush about them! Hehhehe
Haha! You've done a fantastic job raising them you have earned the right to rub it in their faces ;)
Hahahahhahahaa!!!! No never..... This is the secret of parenting!!!!
Never ever rub it in another parents face. Hahahahhaa any parent will tell you why!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have much to learn... I'm glad this isn't on my doorstep right now hahaha.
My comment won't edit!!! Lol but I was saying it's the same reason why you never talk about an odd looking child while you're pregnant hahahhahas
Hahahaha, i'll remember that one!
Hahahahahaha truth! 😉
Generosity is a learned trait and it seems to me that you have been a wonderful teacher. Well done mom. :)
Thank you!! But I honestly believe it jumped over me and came back to me through them!!!! Hahahaha God has been so kind to me!!! I look at their sweet tender hearts and I'm amazed every day that I won the jackpot!!!
Thanks for connecting with me here!!! And I'm also loving the fun in our game hehehehe
What fantastic children you are raising. How could they not be so with a mother who has the humility to learn lessons from them. Wonderful post.
Thank you @damianjayclay 😊
I truly do learn from them. I love their example and I love that we can talk about situations like this and dig deeper into the heart of the issues! They're so mature and have such wisdom for their age!!! Delights! ♥️ I so appreciate you reading and leaving that comment for me!
It is 80% taught at minimum for sure... All animal life is born selfish. It's the natural state of things and ensures survival...
I say 80% because a portion of personality is part of your DNA, so some are born with a generous character in differing degrees, but it isn't a majority trait.
All negative actions can be reduced to selfishness...So, you show your character through your offspring.
Great job parenting, my friend!
I do agree!!! They tend to concentrate our actions and put them on display for us don't they!!! When my daughter has a saucy bite to her tongue... I have to look at myself in the mirror (🐅) lol
But their generosity... I really feel like Im learning more and more through their example every day!!! So that is just a gift from God!!!! ♥️
Thank you for reading and commenting!!! You know it's the comments that always make me smile 😊