Tim, I liked this. It could use some revisions, and I strongly encourage you to submit it in the Discord Channel for Peace, Abundance and Liberty, for the Writing Workshop. If you did, I think you'd stand a very good chance of being curated and get a little more pub. This is good writing. It needs polish, but it's good.
I appreciate the feedback, and I'll look into what you've suggested. Its always a bit rough knowing when to push a story out there, and I'm sure there are improvements to be made.
Thanks!
Better to push an unpolished work out there before it's fully ripe than to endlessly refine and never publish, I think. You did right.