Question #20 Do you resort to liquor, drugs or cigarettes to calm you down?

A NEW YEAR (A.N.Y.), a new way question series:

On January first, I posted our first article in this series explaining a new way to approach New Year's resolutions. Each day we will explore a different question that challenges us to understand ourselves better. The format will be as follows: I will post the previous day's question with my answer followed by the next day's question for contemplation.

Here is my answer:

OMG... use alcohol, drugs or cigarettes to calm me down ? Absolutely not! I tried smoking in college for two weeks because the thought of blowing smoke out of my mouth fascinated me. It was short lived because the side effects of smoking were a complete buzz kill. As for drugs, I’ve only experimented with Marijuana and not for the purpose of calming myself; more like a peace pipe. Alcohol, well that was a completely different story. There was no calm, no fun or no relaxation; only complete panic. For you see, I had a phobia involving alcohol.

Frozen Aisle

I have had a debilitating fear around alcohol for as long as I can remember. When I was around people enjoying a few drinks I could feel the fear start to take over. It got so bad that my head got fuzzy and my ears would start to ring. All I could think of was getting out of there as soon as possible. Luckily I had a built-in exit strategy of being the sober one and making my excuses to leave always was accepted by the drinkers. They seemed to innately understand that it was getting boring for me as the night progressed.

One day, when I was visiting the United States, my hubby took me to what I would have considered a health food store. Where I lived they didn’t sell liquor of any kind outside the designated stores. I was not prepared to see alcohol in this one. While I was wondering around I came face to face with a liquor compartment equal to a store back home. I froze. I could feel the panic attack brewing and the world started to decrease in volume. I had a general sense of where my hubby was but lost sight of that pretty quick. He saw me frozen and walked over to stand beside me.

My hubby is a beer drinker. When I shared with him about my phobia, he immediately offered to stop drinking. I vehemently refused. I felt that this phobia impacted my life enough I didn’t want it to cripple his lifestyle as well. I told him that I would figure this out but he struggled watching me go through the attacks. When he stood beside me in that aisle he simply asked what he could do. I asked for a hug and he held me until the fear dissipated.

Mad men

Rumor has it that my dad’s father was the epitome of a violent, mean, abusive drunk. My dad left home to escape him when he was nine. This was back in the 1940’s, when actions like this were unheard of, so you can imagine how traumatizing it was. My dad never talked much about his family; just bits and pieces here and there and none of them were good. My dad was only an occasional drinker but he gave me the heebie jeebies. I don’t remember a specific memory that gave me the phobia but my reaction perplexed me. I hadn't put much stock in genetic memory before this experience but now I can see merit in it. I can't really explain it any other way. genetic memory.

The reason I have considered genetic memory as a valid theory is because was no logical explanation for my fear. There were countless people who drank around me and not one of them gave me a life altering experience. It wasn’t until I took a course called Multi-generational Healing by Tori Hartman that I started to look into my ancestry for my answers. My dad has mental illness and it was understood my grandfather had it too. Through the course I was able to look at his alcohol consumption differently. I had this unexplained understanding that alcohol made people crazy and mean. He drank a lot so ipso facto he behaved badly. Then I flipped the perspective around, what if he drank because he was mad; not the other way around? There was a resounding answer in my mind that he used the alcohol to hide his madness so that it could be blamed instead of him. When that realization happened it felt like there was a release followed by peace because alcohol was not to blame.

Today my hubby can enjoy whatever beverages he wants without drawing a panic attack from me. At times I do feel a brief spike of the old panic but it fades quickly. I can go to parties now and don’t feel the need to leave early. My life has changed and all because I dared to look at an extremely painful belief and see it from another perspective.

Did this response resonate with you? I would love to hear your take on the question and how it impacted you. Please post your thoughts below.

Tomorrow's question: Does anyone nag you??

Response posted tomorrow.

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