Being Ambitious, All of A Sudden. 间歇性踌躇满志 | Monthly Review

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players. -- William Shakespeare

Two years ago, with the hope to know the product price from our competitor, I pretended to be a customer, and got to know Ms. Xue, who is 2 years older than me, born in Xi’an China. We sometimes chat online, gossip around and care about each other’s work status. Well, today I was a little astound when she said, “I have been working for 15 years since graduation, it’s like leading a wandering life. Is it time to settle down?”

I know she is a wife and a mother. So I guess what she meant is to go back to hometown or to do what she always dreams of.

It turned out that she’s preparing for her own company. With so many years working experience, she has accumulated enough knowledge and social network, so everything goes smoothly.

Whenever I am watching my blurred and tired face reflected in the window of the metro line every Monday after work, I keep asking myself “Is everything worth it?” My job does not require me to be sitting in the office every day, but it is a job after all. Rewarding comes along with responsibility and pressure. Compared with figuring out customer developing methods, cross-department communication, translation of business proposals, patents and various documents I must do, the daily customer maintenance is just the tip of the iceberg. No wonder that nowadays grey hair is not rarely found among young people.

Every time I get upset thus frustrated with work, I complain with my husband that I want to quit and stay at home doing nothing. He always relies “you can lean on me”. “No, you are not yet capable”. You can feed my stomach, not my soul. People develops. I do not want to be left only to catch up with you in the days ahead. I want to be me, with a fulfilled soul.

When Ms.Xue once told me that she has no one to lean on but only herself, I thought there was a serious problem occurred with her marriage. Luckily the only thing she would like to reveal was she felt satisfied spending the money earned by herself. I cannot agree more. Around 10 years ago, I stayed unemployed for half a year due to the renovation of my apartment. The project manager of the renovation company said to me that women-even only make a limited amount of money-have to work. It would actualize yourself. I could no understand it at that time.

During the first few months, as expected, I felt satisfied with my do-not-have-to-work status. However, I suddenly felt awkward and embarrassed when I realized that I had to spend my husband’s money to buy gifts for him. To me, only if we do not have to worry about money, can a relationship be called a good one. Certain sacrifice shall be made for lean-on. I found my self-value unfulfilled, even though my husband was truly willing to be leaned on by me.

A middle-aged man, often feels lonely. Because when he wakes up every day, all the people around him are ready to lean on him, but no one to be leaned on by himself.

I worry about many things-a typical character of a person with blood type A. I am always anxious about the scenario that my husband lost his job, or he gets sick due to work pressures. The news of a programmer from ZTE killed himself by jumping off the building made me realize that men really bear a lot of pressures and responsibilities that we cannot imagine. I said to my husband, maybe I can never be leaned on by you, but the reason why I keep working is that I could be your safe house whenever you retreat from the frontier. I do not believe any women would let her beloved one be knocked down by work and life.

“We, as women, need to keep learning, and developing ourselves so as not to be eliminated by the society.” Ms. Xue said to me once. In no more than 2 years, I would probably face the so called 35-career-crisis.

Husband, kids, work, chores, all kinds of chaos…modern women also bear heavy burdens.

Women are born lacking sense of security. We prefer to expect others in the relationships to give the safety to us. It is time for a change. Having a job that we like, making money by ourselves that we can live on, will eventually ensure the supply of security to us.

人生如戏，全靠演技。2年前，为了解竞争对手的产品价格，我扮演了一回客户，然后认识了这位比我大2岁，西安的姐姐。偶尔QQ聊天也只是寒暄一下，无非是最近国外客户如何，订单多不多。今天，姐姐突然一反常态地说，“我从毕业到现在，在外面已经漂了15年了，是不是也该给自己找个归宿了？” 我知道她已为人妻人母，归宿应该指的是回到家乡或者做自己想做的事情。原来她是在自己筹备公司，十几年的积累，一切水到渠成。

每周一下班回家的地铁里，独自看着飞驰的地铁窗户里倒影出自己模糊又略显疲惫的脸，会想，这一切都值得么？虽然我不用每天在公司坐班，但是工作终归是工作，拿人钱财必有责任与压力。除了枯燥乏味的日常维护，要思考开拓客户的方式，处理各种繁琐杂事，各部门之间协调沟通，偶尔还要熬个夜翻译个方案、专利、文件…… 也怪不得现代年轻人都华发早生。

其实每次工作遇挫时候会跟男人发嗲说不想上班... 偶尔也会叫嚣“我要以正室的身份，过二奶的生活！”男人每次都很爽快地，“我养你。” 然而我也很爽快地，“你可养不起哦。” 即使你养得起我的躯壳，也养不起我的灵魂... 人一直在变化，你一直在进步，我不想哪天和你不同步… 我不想没有自我，只剩下去追逐你的脚步… 本宫还是想美的有灵魂~~~

姐姐一开始说没有肩膀可以依靠，只能靠自己，我还以为她婚变了......... 后来她补充说是喜欢花自己赚的钱。我又何尝不是呢？很多年前，为房子装修曾经在赋闲过半年。装修公司的项目经理和我说，女孩子呀一定要工作，哪怕每个月只赚俩千，那感觉也是不一样的。那时年少无知的我不以为然~~

刚开始那几个月放飞自我的感觉的确是极好的，但是渐渐地，当我发现为男人准备礼物也要用他钱的时候，那种感觉真是五味杂成。用不着谈钱了，才能认认真真地谈感情。 所有的被养都是有代价的，总觉得在他面前降了格，即使男人是心甘情愿，甘之如饴的...

中年以后的男人，时常会觉得孤独，因为他一睁开眼睛，周围都是要依靠他的人，却没有他可以依靠的人。
张爱玲《半生缘》。

身为典型的A型血，我很容易杞人忧天... 总想着万一男人失业了咋整，万一压力太大工作太累身体不好咋整... 记得之前看到中兴程序员坠楼事件后，感叹男人的不易。继而深情地跟男人说，我工作，虽然做不了你的“靠山”，但起码是你的“退路”（这句话其实是在武志红文章里看到的...哈哈）。男人感动的不要不要的，又一次成功地把男人套路了。但是套路归套路，有哪个女人会舍得让自己心爱之人为工作所累呢... 有时候也会说，“这么辛苦，姐来养你！！” 虽然只是过过嘴瘾...

姐姐说，“总而言之呢我们要不断提升自己，这样才不至于被社会淘汰。” 是呀，再过俩年就是工作中的“三十五岁危机”了。想想现代的女人也真真是不容易 - “上得了厅堂，下得了厨房；杀得了木马，翻得了围墙；开得起好车，买得起新房；斗得过小三，打得过流氓。”

女人啊，是一种极度缺乏安全感的生物。无论是亲情、爱情还是友情，都是把安全感来源寄托于他人。只有自己给自己的安全感 - 一份自己喜欢的工作， 够“逛吃逛吃”的收入，才是最可控的。

原作者: @veronicazhu 间歇性踌躇满志 | 月旦评
译者：@veronicazhu