"The Death of Fables" - A Serialized Collection of Flash Fiction (Part 1: Easter)

My first attempt at writing a cohesive collection of flash fiction was this strange, satirical (and often dark) look at the holidays. Not only the holiday, but the special days throughout the years as well; birthdays, 9/11, the changing of seasons, etc. I've done absolutely no editing on any of the original texts, so hopefully they're not too terrible and I hope you enjoy.

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We had been patrolling for days with orders to kill on sight. Easter eggs were turning up poisoned everywhere across the city and by the ornate designs on all the suspect eggs, we knew it was the real deal. The bunny had finally retaliated and was taking out a slow revenge on people everywhere. It wasn’t even Easter, but the eggs were showing up on people’s doorsteps like a pre-emptive death gift to beat the rush of the holidays.

The commander of our patrol hadn’t slept since the news broke and was going through a pot of coffee every hour. His hands had started to shake so badly that we were forced to take his gun from him, purely for safety reasons. The last thing we needed was a headline reading “Commander Shoots Self in Caffeinated Excitement” to add to the already growing concern of public safety.

Reports came in every day over the fax; mostly sketches of last seen instances, none of which ever panned out due to their outright absurdity. Malls had closed down picture-taking booths in order to eliminate their workers from having their civil liberties violated by angry soccer moms and poor judgment. Costume stores had boxed up, locked up, or just burned the remaining rabbit costumes they had in stock and the buying of eggs at grocery stores was regulated the way cough medicine was back in the hey-day of the meth epidemic.

Those shitty marshmallow ‘Peeps’ were even removed from shelving units so as not to “provoke or show support for” the suspect at large and even though no one actually came out and said it was the Easter Bunny, we were all thinking it. In an effort to protect our children from knowing the truth, we just explained that the economy was keeping Easter from being what it had been the previous year.

Paranoia reached such a level that husbands and fathers mowed their lawns every day in an effort to keep the grass from growing like hair from graves. The grass would hide poisoned eggs from unsuspecting children, but we caught on quick and he seemed to be changing his M.O. daily. It sounds ridiculous to say, but it was a dark period for American holidays and it was only March.

Behind closed doors, the adults and politicians discussed the possible frailty of the holiday system. Had this been the act of one entity acting alone or could we expect all the other holidays to follow suit? One holiday gone was doable; Christmas would be harder to shrug off. Quiet legislation passed and limits were placed on the seasons, pinning them down tight in order to prevent another instance.

The “1201 Ordinance” kept anyone from celebrating sooner than one minute after midnight on the day of any given holiday. Stores would have to open up then and stay open until midnight of the same night. “Holiday Paraphernalia” found on any person or shelf before or after these times would be punishable by a mandatory year in jail and a fine ten times the cost of the paraphernalia found on said person or shelf.

The religious groups raised the biggest stink, assuming that the decorum for Easter and Christmas services would be rendered useless and illegal, even though it had nothing to do with the secularized version of those days. Laws were rewritten to exclude religious paraphernalia, but then the debate over what was religious and what was secular exploded and for awhile, people forgot about the bunny and the poisoned eggs and the holiday passed with no more problems. The bunny had become silent in every way. We patted ourselves on the back, assuming our legislation had prevented him from acting, (and the government won’t tell you this) but the holidays tend to govern themselves and the bunny had been impeached from his position.

The next 11 months found the Holiday Caucus (as they called themselves in the apologetic letter to our politicians) searching out a suitable replacement for the previous bunny. They had also assured us that they were doing “intense background checks” into the lives of the other Heads of Holidays, just to make sure there were no more problems.

Easter is a few months away, but you can feel the tension building. Neighbors are whispering across their fences to each other, wondering when the first egg will show up after the spring thaw. On a warm day, you can see husbands and fathers in their garages, polishing their lawnmowers and keeping gas-cans at the ready.