Dawn on Jefferson Title of Contents and Small Rewards for Critique

Rewards

Alright, folks. I am seeking critiques of the Dawn on Jefferson. I am willing to give .25 SD for each of the first six insightful or helpful critiques about the story.

1. Keep in mind the story is written for the same audience as the Percy Jackson stories: think tweens and young teens. This is not on the level, intellectually or maturity wise, as the Cliffs of Utpala or even the Maze of Madison. Don't expect deepness or whatnot.

2. This story is more about fun and sense of wonder even though there are some dire or less than awesome events.

3. I am mostly looking for ways to improve the story. My daughter is much older now, but she really liked it and a follow-up (High Noon on Jefferson) will start on Monday. I want to improve my writing and the characterization.

4. Look for flaws in the story and point them out. This includes implications of the tech I present. Is there something I didn't think of and it ruins the story? Is there something not there that ought to be that based on what I've shown for the DoJ story? etc.

5. Look for bad characterizations. Is Helmet, Jaideep and Captain Li consistent with being Nigerian, Indian and Chinese, for example?

6. Do I screw up anything else?

7. Where is the prose clunky?

Thank you and let's see if we have any takers.

Table of Contents

Chapter One: Getting Up
Chapter Two: Where I Live
Chapter Three: The Walk
Chapter Four: School
Chapter Five: Introducing my Friends, the Merry Pranksters!
Chapter Six: Walking to Mom's
Chapter Seven: Mom’s House
Chapter Eight: It Began on Constitution Hill
Chapter Nine: Attack of the Awknerds!
Chapter Ten: No Awknerds Were Harmed
Chapter Eleven: The Breaking Shadstorm
Chapter Twelve: Where I Envy Grilled Cheese
Chapter Thirteen: Doom! Doom! Doom! Where I Want to go to School! The End Must be Nigh!
Chapter Fourteen: The Game is a Foot
Chapter Fifteen: Uncomfortable Revelations!
Chapter Sixteen: WAITAMINUTE!
Chapter Seventeen: The Healing Power of Popcorn
Chapter Eighteen: The Lessons Learned Before Maven
Chapter Nineteen: No Haven From Maven
Chapter Twenty: Meeting Maven
Chapter Twenty-One: And Then I was Roasted Alive and Served Up With a Worm
Chapter Twenty-Two: That Which has Been Set in Motion…
Chapter Twenty-Three: Shall Stay in Motion...
Chapter Twenty-Four: Until Acted Upon by Something Absolutely Annoying
Chapter Twenty-Five: The Veena Swarm Circus!
Chapter Twenty-Six: A Rain of Blobs Pulled the Church Down
Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Harrowing Sounds of Yoatling and the Popping of Creepy Fruit
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Where We Get Chastised by a Spiny Creeper
Chapter Twenty-nine: I Spy With Rosa’s Drone Eye
Chapter Thirty: Where I Lose to a Mockery. Stupid Mockery.
Chapter Thirty-One: Where I try to do the Right Thing
Chapter Thirty-two: But I Didn’t Ask for Knight in Powered Armor!
Chapter Thirty-Three: Be Careful What You Wish for, You Might Just Get It!
Chapter Thirty-Four: An Interesting Story, But Do We Believe the Story Tellers?
Chapter Thirty-five: Complicated! Why so Freakin Complicated!?!
Chapter Thirty-six - Adventure is...
Chapter Thirty-seven: Really, World!?! Really?!
Chapter Thirty-eight: So Close, Yet so Far
Chapter Thirty-nine: Then Everything got REALLY Weird
Chapter Forty: And Then we Were Totally Sautéed
Chapter Forty-one: And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt!
Epilogue