John the Barman part 3 (An original short story.)

GETTING A DATE FOR DEATH

“They always say there are only two things certain in life and that’s death and taxes,” Death said sadly, his words just starting to slur a little. “It’s not true you know. Those rich people hire these sneaky accountants so they don’t pay tax. In fact the taxman pays them money each year, like they don’t have enough to start with. Can you put a refill in that?”
He picked up his empty glass and offered it to John. “Let the cheeky sods try and trick death and they’ll see where it gets ‘em.”
John took the glass and began to refill it with lager while he continued to listen.
“It’s not fair you know, having my job, it really puts girls off once they find out what I do for a living. Take this girl I was seeing, took her out a few times, well twice if you count the second as a date. I paid her bail money and drove her home. She seemed to really like me you know, we had a connection.”
John placed the full glass in front of Death and he picked it up and took a sip before continuing. “Then she spots the scythe and black cape on the back seat of the car and that’s it. I have to explain who I really am and what I do for a living. Well she goes nuts and starts going on about her granddad and demands to know why I took him the day after our first date. She says I couldn’t have cared anything about her to do that, well at ninety what did she expect? Anyone could have seen what was going to happen with him doing that?”
“How did her granddad die?” John asked; intrigued at what a ninety year old could get up to.
“Heart attack at his birthday party, the stripper they hired was half way through her routine, she was rubbing baby oil into her chest with his face when he gave a gasp, grabbed his chest and fell off his chair.” Death explained. “Seems it was too much excitement for him but it looked to me like he died happy. The undertaker couldn’t get the grin off his face so they had to have a closed casket funeral.”
“Well as a way to go, that’s up there with the best,” John said, impressed. “I think most old men would kill to go out like that.”
“Well she didn’t see it that way and jumped out of the car at the next red light and stormed off. She rang me the next day and made some excuse about her not feeling a spark or something. I’m pretty sure she was lying though; she blamed me for her granddad dying. Like I was the one that hired a busty young stripper for an old man with a dodgy heart?” Death shook his head in disgust.
“Well don’t get down over one rejection. It takes a while to find that special someone. She sounds a bit weird and when your second date starts with you picking her up from the police cells, then alarm bells should ring, unless she walks out in a police uniform and has just finished work,” John said encouragingly.
“But I’m a member of every online dating site, even those dodgy Far-East ones, and I’ve only managed one date in the last two years since I joined. Even a traffic warden would get a better hit rate than that and everyone hates them. It’s my job; it’s ruining my love life,” he replied forlornly.
“I think you’re concentrating too much on the negative effect of your job here, let’s work on the positives. What do you have listed as your profession? How have you described it?” John asked.
“It says: ‘Death, I’m there when you die to be your personal soul guide to the afterlife.’ I was told you can’t go starting a relationship with a lie so I put it as simple as I could,” Death explained.
John shook his head. “You’re making yourself sound like a serial killer or some kind of nutcase. We need to find you a new job title. Did you list your name as ‘Death’ as well by any chance?”
Death nodded. “Well it’s what I’m called. So what should I put as my job title?” he asked, curious to see what John would come up with.

“How about having something to do with travel?” John put forward hopefully, rubbing the fingers of one hand on his goatee beard. “You could say you’re a tour guide, you do take people from this world to the next, so it’s not a lie.”
“That’s hardly a high flying career person though is it? ‘Tour guide’ doesn’t say ‘dynamic successful businessman’,” Death said with a shake of his head. “The other three horsemen have great job titles and get loads of dates.”
“Well how about we have you owning the travel company used by all the Hollywood legends?” John added with a grin, pleased with his idea. “Women love it if they think you know all the big stars and you do meet them all at least once.”
Death sat up a little straighter and returned the smile. “I like that. People are impressed if you know film stars.”
“Now we need a name for you to use.” John continued feeling he was on a roll.
“Can I have some service down here?” Thor interrupted from the other end of the bar. John turned around and saw Thor had come down from the pool table with two empty glasses.
“Back in a minute, Death. A pint and a red wine again?” John asked walking down to serve Thor.
“So what are you two prattling on about like a couple of big girls’ corsets?” Thor asked.
“John’s helping me sort out my dating site profile,” Death answered in his own defence.
“What you want to join one of them things for? In my day you just went in, bashed up a few ice giants and accepted the thanks of a maiden with a big smile and even bigger ale kegs,” Thor said with a lurid grin.
“Times have changed Thor, now a girl wants more than a ‘wham, bam, thank you mam’, she wants romance and stuff,” John said as he placed a glass of wine down and grabbed a pint glass for the beer. Thor shook his head in disgust before turning up to Hercules who still stood by the pool table.
“Hercules, did you ever go in for all that romance stuff to get a girl?” Thor asked.
Hercules chuckled. “Didn’t have to, just mentioned who I was and flexed my muscles and a dozen maidens would swoon at my feet.”
“And never get up again the way your feet stink,” Thor added laughing.
“This isn’t helping,” John cut in. “We need a new name for Death for his profile.”
“Miserable tosser,” Hercules said, and both old men burst out laughing.
“Not helping,” John repeated, giving the two a disapproving glare.
Hercules walked down towards the bar still chuckling. “Look John, he’s Death and that just doesn’t do it for the ladies.”
“Unless they’re the ladies who’re not on the right end of the sanity scale,” Thor pointed out. “Women love heroes that save them, not some bloke in black that shows up to take their loved ones away.”
Hercules nodded in agreement. “If you want to find a Mrs Death then you need to stop looking in the mortal world out there.”
“Well where do you suggest I look then?” Death asked, throwing both old men a look and a slight spasm to their hearts which suddenly reminded the two that old men should not make jokes at the expense of Death. The chuckling and laughter stopped. Both fell into serious thought on who would make a good date for Death.
Hercules spoke first. “Well the Greek Pantheon is out, the women are all either married, crazy evil or we killed ‘em back in the day.”
“Norse ones too, they wouldn’t be right either,” Thor added.
“Why? I quite like blondes and I’m sure not all of your sisters are in relationships,” Death said.
“Joking aside Death, I like you but my sisters are all rather vicious and at least one prefers the company of the Valkyries so to speak,” Thor answered.
“So who else can you think of?” John asked.
“Well Ishtar has split from Anu again,” Thor said rubbing his chin.
“I don’t think so,” John replied. “She’s far too adventurous and has a tendency to be a little violent towards her close male friends.”
“Ceridwen then, she has beauty and brains,” Hercules offered.
“She’s been linked with Behdety, they were in here last month together.” John replied.
“She’s with Behdety? The Behdety I know from Egypt? She’s roughing it a bit isn’t she?” Thor was aghast.
“Well come on, there must be someone else,” Death said impatiently.
“What about Hathor? She’s single,” Thor said with a smile.
“There’s a reason for that, she’s been going around in the form of a cow for that long, I doubt she could change back,” Hercules pointed out.
“Epona is nice, and they would share a love of horses,” Hercules said with a grin.
Thor nodded his agreement. “She’s still a fine looking woman. You should go ask her out.”
“I can’t just walk up to her and ask her out, I wouldn’t know what to say,” Death said already sounding worried.
“You’re kidding aren’t you?” Hercules said, halfway caught between disbelief and laughing but the twinge Death had given his heart was still a fresh memory. “You’ve asked girls out before, it’s easy, just have a few beers and give ‘em a snog. Either you get slapped or get lucky,” he said with a grin and a wink.
“Ignore those two, if you want advice go see Eros. He knows how to romance a lady and may even have a little charm or something to help you get over being nervous,” John cut in, silencing the two old men with a glance.
“Well I can’t ask Epona out anyway, she had a brief thing with Famine. Let’s face it, none of our women who are single are suitable. That’s why I started looking around at human females; there are billions of them so I’m bound to find one.”
Thor shrugged. “Good point, those are decent odds of finding one. With that many to ask, there has to be a girl somewhere that would go for Death. Erm, Death why is your pocket playing ‘Don’t fear the reaper’?”
Death reached into his hooded top and pulled out a mobile phone. “Would you excuse me a moment, I have to take this,” he apologised and answered his phone. “Hello… What?... Where are you?… Why the hell are you there?… Well I was doing something you know… No I don’t just sit about waiting for you to cause trouble… I do have a busy social life… No I’m not on a date… OK, give me five minutes.”
Death stood up and put the phone back into his pocket. “Sorry got to go, War has started a war.”
“What? Why? And where?” Thor asked excitedly.
“The Federated States of Micronesia; and it was because Pestilence said he couldn’t manage to do it there,” Death answered shaking his head.
“Well where the bloody hell is this Federated States of whatsit and why are they fighting?” Hercules asked.
“In the Pacific, seems the state of Chuuk is going to invade Pohnpei over a phosphate licence. As we speak, a force of fifty poorly trained farmers is on the march, with three newly converted fishing boats that comprise the Chuuk navy that will transport them and act as the invasion flotilla.”
“Have there been any casualties yet?” John asked.
“Two pigs and a parrot so far,” Death replied with a shrug.
“Can I come with you?” Thor asked excitedly.
“No, I’m not letting you loose with my brother War. A god of war and the personification of war on an island that size is asking for trouble,” Death answered. “Now if you will excuse me I must go.”
The three watched as Death walked over toward the exit but faded from view before he reached it.
“That was just showing off,” Thor grumbled. “It’s not fair, I would love to get involved in a little war again.”
“Why? You wouldn’t be any use if you did, you don’t have your hammer anymore,” Hercules said, sitting on one of the barstools.
“How do you know I haven’t?” Thor demanded angrily.
“Because, you daft sod, if you still had your hammer then you would still have your power and wouldn’t be the old sod that you are,” Hercules replied as if talking to a small child.
“Well what’s your excuse for being old then?” Thor asked sullenly.
“Don’t wanna talk about it,” Hercules mumbled, crossing his arms.
“No, you tell me or you know I’ll find out from someone else,” Thor demanded.
Hercules threw him a dirty look. “Zeus had to make cutbacks alright. The demi-gods all got laid off with a pittance of a pension.”
Thor stopped, his response never spoken. He sat down next to Hercules and put his hand on his shoulder. “That’s rough man, sorry, I didn’t know.”

“Right, if you two don’t start making a move, I’m going to have a phone call from the nursing home. If you’re late for your dinner again, the Matron has threatened to come down here and drag you both out,” John told them, sitting back down on his stool.
Hercules pulled a face. “It’s not that time again is it?” he sighed sadly and stood up. “Come on Thor, let’s go find out what’s for dinner.”
“Macaroni cheese, I asked before we came out,” Thor replied and then finished off his drink.
“I hate macaroni cheese, to think I used to save the world and now I end up being served macaroni cheese in that awful place.”
“Well if you still had your own teeth you would be able to have something you could chew,” Thor replied. “Now come on, we’ll call in at the bakers and get a pastry on the way to the bus stop.”
Thor got up off his chair and both slowly set off down the stairs. “Have you got my bus pass?” Hercules asked.
“Of course I have, you daft old beggar, it’s in my wallet with mine,” Thor replied tersely as they disappeared down the stairs. John looked around the now empty bar. He had maybe an hour’s peace before the early evening punters turned up. The daytime trade may be quiet on the whole, but things would get lively as the night wore on.

Thanks for reading, any upvotes or comments would be great.
Missed some of the story ? Then look no further,
Part 1 https://steemit.com/writing/@alienbutt/john-the-barman-part-1-an-original-short-story
Part 2 https://steemit.com/writing/@alienbutt/john-the-barman-part-2-an-original-short-story