Stresses of a new job PT 2

Today marks one month that I’ve been at this new job. New job, new industry, and a new type A boss to learn. To sort of pick up where I last left off, I’m not entirely sure HOW I’m feeling about this job.

The staffing agency calls me once a week to check in and last week I felt I wasn’t entirely honest, even half way, about my thoughts and feelings about the job. After taking the weekend and speaking more with my mentor, and some other people who’s opinions I value, and processing everything I made a phone call on my lunch break. When I went to work this morning I had that stupid sinking feeling that this isn’t where I’m supposed to be. I ignored it and took it as the Monday blues but as my day continued the feeling grew. I had to get this off my chest.

My support at the staffing agency was extremely understanding, compassionate, and open to my feelings. She tried to reassure me by telling me that on Friday she spoke with my boss and he told her that he believes I truly have some untapped potential and he wants to see that through. Well, that’s cool and all, but it doesn’t change how I feel. It just adds to my personal fear/hate of disappointing people. This man hired me for a reason and I don’t think I’m ever going to live up to whatever that reason was.

I’ve had stressful jobs before, I’ve had jobs where I had to manage my time and balance my tasks at hand, but this one is different. Perhaps it’s the new industry or the fact that everyone, and I mean everyone even the people who have been there for 17 years, are intimidated and scared of my boss. He acknowledges that he’s not the friendliest or most approachable due to his cut and dry personality. I get that, but the fear is real and I don’t like that.

I approach every job I have as “I’m getting paid to be good at my job.” I apply myself as such and try as hard as I can to become an asset to the team. I know that this place wants me to be an asset and already sees me as such (more my role and not me) but I can’t seem to find where my responsibilities will ever end. I fear that one day I’m going to come to work and be expected to be able to fully take on a role for the day that yes, I may have been trained in once during my first few weeks, but hasn’t been in my work thoughts since that training occurred because I am being trained in so much more on a daily basis. I can handle multiple responsibilities but when each are so different from each other I’d expect a little time to ensure that I am comfortable with those tasks.

One person I talked to told me that this situation is a perfect opportunity to actually advocate for myself. And she is right. I am always so quick to advocate for others but am always so fearful to advocate for myself. But why? It all comes back to my fear/hate of disappointing people. Then I remembered that not only is this an opportunity to advocate for myself but I am also employed through the staffing agency and they’re the ones who will advocate for me after I advocate to myself. I would ignore theses feelings and gut instincts at any other job and just stick with it because I had to to pay my bills. But I don’t have to because my employer is the staffing agency and they will place me somewhere else.

I made my phone call on my lunch break with no definite decision made. I vented and cried and let out some of my anxiety and made the plan to call back in two days with how I am feeling then. When I got off the phone I still felt uneasy and when I returned to work that feeling turned into a burning desire of not wanting to be there. But I continued my day and to be honest, I did feel a little better by the end of the day. I’m trying to give it the entire rest of the week before I decide for sure or if I am going to stick it out. I don’t want to jump to ending this opportunity because I know this door will never open again if I do, I want to make sure my decision is right with all the factors I have going into it.

It’s nice knowing that my employment is with the staffing agency because as long as I am accepting assignments through them I am employed by them. That means that during this time of employment uncertainty the staffing agency is my employer, no matter how long I stay in an assignment, and that will reflect more positively on my resume. What sucks is that I am currently making $16 an hour...the most money I have ever made an hour other than babysitting. That factor alone is two reasons why I’m driving myself crazy thinking about everything. 1. That’s a lot of money and I might not get another placement paying that (could definitely get one at $14 so that’s not bad) 2. Can I make it the three months with the gut feeling that I would not accept a permanent position just to keep collecting the $16 an hour until the end of the three months??????!!!!!

Tomorrow is a new day, and this job isn’t MY job if I don’t feel like it’s right do the best I can do is go in there with a fresh face and try again.