This Is No Game – wewrite freewrite – Week 11
This Is No Game
This is my entry into the wewrite freewrite contest, by @zeldacroft and @freewritehouse, for week #11. For more information on the contest, have a look at this post:
https://steemit.com/wewrite/@freewritehouse/we-write-11-home-alone-last-week-s-winners-announced
This Week's Prompt
Home Alone
by @zeldacroft
An inky air crept through the twilight hours, and now pressed against the windows of the house. Inside, Nathan aimlessly flipped through the TV channels, the living room calmly lit. He was getting impatient.
A thump, thump down the stairs made him jump, but he managed to keep his composure. His mom hurried into the room. Her oversized coat and mittens signaled she was ready for the autumn chill outside.
“Alright, I’m heading out,” she said. “I’ll probably be gone for a few hours, so call me if you need anything. Remember there’s leftovers in the fridge, and try not to just watch TV. You know that book from—”
“Mom,” he interrupted.
“Yes?”
“You’re going to be late.”
“I am, aren’t I?” She agreed, but ran over to kiss his forehead anyway. “I’ll lock up, be sure to stay safe.”
“Yes, Mom.” He rolled his eyes. Their corner of suburbia had always felt like the most boring. Nothing bad could happen here.
As soon as Nathan heard the front door close, he leapt up and looked out the window. The streetlights cast heavy shadows on his mom’s car as she drove away. When she was out of sight, he whipped out his phone and texted his best friend, Mark. “It’s time.”
Mark had gotten his hands on some horror games, including the much coveted Bloodhunter 4, but his family wouldn’t let him play.
Nathan wasn’t allowed to either, so tonight was finally their chance. Impatience turned to excitement as he switched the TV to his Xbox. Mark lived on the same street, so it wouldn’t take long for him to get there. After gathering soda and snacks from the kitchen, he heard a sharp knock on the door.
••.•´•.••My Part Begins••.•´•.••
As soon as Mark headed out the door to go to Nathan’s house, he realized he’d forgotten the house key his mom had given him in case his parents were in bed when he got home from Nathan’s house. Mark’s parents were glad the two boys were studying together for a change, rather than wasting time playing games. Mark chuckled when he thought about his parents believing he and Nathan were going to study.
After getting the key, he left the house again, carrying his History book with him. As he walked along he thought about playing Bloodhunter 4 as soon as he got to Nathan’s house, so he picked up his pace. As he came around the bend though, he could see a woman that looked very attractive talking to Nathan at the door. He wondered if Nathan was up to something he wasn’t aware of.
But then, out of the shadows at the edge of the porch, this big guy rushes up, grabs Nathan and drags him into the house. Then the lady goes in and shuts the door before looking around to see if anyone saw what took place.
So, when an out of breath Mark tells his dad about what happened to Nathan, his dad, whose real name is Carson Foretto, quickly dials 911 and tells them what his son reported seeing at their neighbors’ home. Mark got on the phone as the cops wanted to hear what happened directly from him.
Using a hedge as cover, Carson waited either for the guy and the gal to come out and walk down the sidewalk, or for the cops to get there. As it turned out, the guy came out alone at first, coming down the sidewalk. As he got closer, Carson saw the woman and Nathan exit the house.
Carson put a scissors hold on the guy’s legs, tripping him and landing him flat on his face. He then grabbed the guy from behind and put a sleeper hold on him. The criminal was soon out cold. In the meantime, Nathan had elbowed the woman in the mouth immediately when he saw Carson attack the guy, and she was crying, slobbering and bleeding from a few teeth that got knocked out.
When his mom got home, Nathan was watching TV. She seemed cross and said, “Nathan, I sure hope you did something other than just watch TV the whole time I was gone!”
Sources for images used in this post:
Suburban Home: Photo by Kent Rebman on Unsplash
Tied Up: Image by M P from Pixabay
Wrestling Match: Image by Mirko Zax from Pixabay
Crime Scene: Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay
Oh yeah, he should tell he sat there and watched TV all night and let her read all about it in the Monday local police blotter. haha good story.
Haha! That's what I was thinking too. That she'll watch the news and see what went on during her absence!
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Good structure, the prompts development, and a humorous ending. )))
One thing that made me wonder was the fact of you choose a remote, relative to the action, vantage point. It felt like I was reading a journalistic report about what happened. Maybe if you would move the vantage point closer to the actions, if you include more dialog and make the scene more visible (tangible) rather than technical, I, as a reader, would have been more engaged with the story. In that sense, in terms of the "presence, tangibility and fluidity", I liked the story of @justclickindiva
https://steempeak.com/wewrite/@justclickindiva/the-streetlight-we-write-11
Cheers!
When I start one of these wewrites, I always try to figure out what's the most obvious route to go, and then I try to go another way.
So for this one, I thought the most obvious path would be Nathan opening the door thinking it's his friend Mark, and then upon opening the door, he finds it isn't his friend but it's some killer or thief or someone bad that's there at the door.
So rather than do what I thought most others would do, I switched the focus to Mark rather than Nathan, and although the "something" still happens to Nathan, we see it from another person's viewpoint.
As for adding more to the story, remember, this is my practice contest for keeping posts to around 500 words for my entries, so I basically can only cover what I consider to be the most important points.
When I write my drop in the ocean pieces, I usually write a much longer story or article, with fuller character and background development.
Your approach is absolutely correct and your treatment of the prompt is inventive. I really liked it!
That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the difference between a journalistic report and a fiction story. They both could be discussing the same facts, but the treatment of those facts in these two genres is different.
In a journalistic report, one only states the facts, places them in a logical sequence and uses good clear and descriptive language so that the reader can understand what went on.
In a fiction story, the facts should be given through the emotional prism of a character so that the reader could relive the described events together with the characters.
Your entry is presented in a more of a journalistic report genre. The point of the fictional story could be very simple, but because the author made the reader suspend the disbelief, made him participate in the action on the level of neurons, the point of the story is perceived by the reader is much more powerful.
That's why I thought a talented author, as you are, could probably attempt to do a more fictional story.
But this is only my wish. I'd be interested to see what type of emotions you can bring to the table. Otherwise your story fine as it stands.
Cheers!
I think I see what you're saying, and it's good that you've pointed it out. I think this is the kind of thing I'm trying to discover by doing the wewrite stories, and my conscious effort to stay around 500 words.
I think that what you're pointing out, likely has to do with my self-imposed rule, which holds me to a limited "space" to tell the story. I think the problem you're revealing is that it's possibly having too much influence over how I'm putting the story together.
That makes sense, but I think the way I wrote this may have also been affected somewhat by my switching the focus to an observer. By doing that, I may have just phased into a "journalistic-type" thought process, coming out seeming more as a reporter than a storyteller.
Good food for thought!
I really congratulate you on the turn you gave to history. In principle I had also thought that Nathan would open the door to someone other than his friend and then everything would lead to another situation. But I decided to continue with a much more conservative history course. Receive my affections @free-reign.
That's one of the things I like the best about wewrite! The diversity of directions we go with our different takes on the prompt are fun to read and fun to compare with the direction we chose to take the story, when all is said and done. Have a great day!