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RE: We-Write #14: At the Club/Between heart and mind
Great job! The character interactions are all so believable and the whole story is interesting and very well laid out. Congrats on the Curie, it's well deserved!
Thank you! I got lucky with Curie.
Yeah, your story was also very interesting. Especially in the fact that both characters had amazing skills, but hid it. That kind of blows my mind. Is this some kind of societal sigma? It's too bad you were constricted by the word count. I wished I could read a more extended explanation about this phenomenon.
I didn't intend to imply that Jan was hiding her skills, even though Toby obviously was hiding his, but I can see how that implication does exist in the story. I think the development of the "hidden talent" aspect that characters display in some stories is what inspired me to give this obsession to Toby.
In most of these stories, the hero trains in secret for some mission or as part of a strategy to catch an opponent off-guard. I think Toby did it because he wanted to make a big splash maybe, suddenly appearing on the professional dancing scene and out-dancing everyone else as a newcomer. The ultimate claim to fame!
But he sacrifices all of that when he gets so turned-on by Jan, which makes him kind of heroic, in a way.
Ah... That's a great psychological incite and would have made a story more profound should this development be more pronounced.
Jan has someone, but she sort of overgrew him professionally (as she makes more money) and personally - she keeps herself in shape, has a great personality, etc. Inside she's much younger than her age. So she looks at younger men as more appropriate partners.
So she doesn't invite her partner to the corporative get-together and does a class act dancing with Toby. She just wanted to be a center of attention, to "shine" so to speak, to feel a younger man's interest and feel the envy of women, but then something stops her. Maybe it's thought of her marriage vows that she doesn't want to break? Or maybe a realization that with such a large age gap there cannot be anything lasting?
So I'd say this story deserves a rewrite and then be added to your portfolio. 😉
Yeah, I agree this is definitely one that I can expand into something bigger.
You know how it is with some couples. I was thinking more along the line that her partner, if she has one, is one of those types who isn't interested in doing things. A couch potato. So Jan goes out sometimes to these office functions. He thinks, "Pfffft! I'd rather watch Barney Miller reruns." :)
Yeah. That sounds great! Also, perhaps, consider changing the prompt to fit your narrative. In the prompt Jan is kind of unattractive. She's very loud, brush and sure Toby tolerates her at work, but he wanted to kind of get away from her in the club. So change this to her having a more vibrant and pleasing personality and Tony waiting for the opportunity to dance with her. That is also beneficial if you'd want to post your story somewhere else. Otherwise, you'd be infringing on Zelda's rights.