Surrendering to healing, a leap of faith

One of the most difficult things we may ever do in our lives is to let go of what we know and do something completely different.  Our healing absolutely depends on us finding the courage to take that leap.  I've seen the stubbornness, fear and doubt in others and I've even experienced it myself.  The first surrender is by far the most difficult, terrifying leap into the dark abyss that any of us may ever do.  In a world that is constantly changing, we grab onto any form of stability we can find, even if it enslaves us in the process or causes us tremendous pain and suffering.

Prior to my first surrender, I would avoid change at all costs.  I would blame or even attack other people who were trying to help or teach.  My violence against others was abusive, mean and sometimes even cruel, but I did it to avoid even acknowledging that I had demons hidden inside, let alone refusing to healing them.  This was not about finding the courage to confront them, this was about maintaining my own ignorance.  If my demons don't even exist then there is nothing wrong with me, nothing that needs healing or work.  Other people are the ones with the problems, so all the issues in my life are a result of them, not me.  That allowed me to push my responsibility and duties onto other people so that I did not have any for myself.  

This viewpoint that I held for so many years is naive, ignorant and abusive!

I did my very first surrender back in 2001, when I decided to do the work and explore all aspects of me.  It required being confronted with a choice:  Change or Die!  It is a brutal confrontation, but that is the way life works at times.  I finally chose to change, which gave myself permission to let go of my security blanket and take a look under the hood.

Little did I know that opening up my heart for the first time ended up opening up Pandora's Box.  Once it is open, it cannot be closed and that is why the first surrender is so damn hard.  Deep down I knew there was a lot of pain, fear and darkness buried under that stone armour of ignorance, stubbornness and violence that I maintained for 30+ years.   It would take a demolition team to break that armour apart.  My issue is that I was not even consciously aware that I built the armour or maintained it for such a long time.  I was so blind that I did not even recognize the defense mechanisms that I used to protect myself.

18 years later, now that I have the benefit of hindsight, it is easier for me to look back and evaluate what happened and what I learned from the process.  I lived a life that was highly unconscious.  My feelings and demons were buried in favor of having my intellect govern my life.  However, that did not work at all as I failed to grasp simple concepts like relationships, love, compassion or even empathy.  I was abusive and willing to trample over people to get to my goals.  If they set boundaries I would get frustrated, pull a pout in order to manipulate them or leave, spouting vile accusations in order to tear them down.  Behaviours most within the system currently employ.  

The first surrender was the most difficult, darkest and most painful that I experienced.  However, it saved my life, changed me in ways that I am still exploring and it enriched my relationships beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  While I work hard to share the benefits of surrendering, I must also acknowledge how difficult it is for others to 'see' those benefits when they stand on the other side.

I've witnessed lots of people not willing to take that first surrender.  Accusations of being in a cult are common defense mechanisms by those who refuse to 'see' what I share.  Even people who claim to be enlightened have quickly returned to their abusive ways when they approach the type of surrender that I speak about.  Why is this level of surrender so damn hard?

It is hard because when we make that leap of faith and start healing ourselves, we have nobody to blame.  NOBODY!!!  We are now confronted with accepting 100% responsibility and accountability for our lives and we can no longer engage in violence or abusive behaviours towards other people.  We must put down our armour and sword in exchange for peace and freedom.  We must turn on the bright light within our heart to explore the deep, dark and painful corners of our being so that we can start to acknowledge it all in order to start and continue the healing process.  

Taking down the armour and acknowledging that we have trauma to heal takes more courage than going out to yell at people or even killing them.  Those acts are cowardly compared to stepping up and looking in the mirror.  The good news is that I've witnessed many people who are finding that courage to do that work.  Whether they found the inspiration themselves or they were inspired by people like myself makes no difference.  The important point is that they found it and took that leap of faith.  They did that very first surrender and started to take responsibility for their live.  It is those people I am interested in building tribe with, no others.

They made the choice, one that was always their duty and responsibility.  Nobody can make that choice for them.  Nobody could force them to make that choice either.  

I know many people who struggle with that choice.  I've seen marriages break up because one partner is healing while the other is resenting it all.  I've had to literally stand between a husband and wife once as he just could not 'see' his pain and how it came out in his violence towards her and their kids.  

When we surrender for the first time, we set the stage for many more surrenders.  I've been through more than I can count, but they get easier and easier!  Change becomes something to look forward to, rather than feeling resentment or engaging in avoiding it all together.  I confront change head on, even though parts of me would like to experience things that are stable and consistent.  

That is a fallacy as this world is constantly changing and that is why embracing the moment is so important.  What defines that moment is our ability to live a completely conscious life so that we can experience the beauty of each moment and take those experiences with us to the Spiritual Realm when we are finished here.  Our job here is not to acquire wealth, power or prestige, but rather to heal and work hard to be completely conscious about who we are and our relationships with other people, Mother Earth and all our relations on this planet.

Why am I so vocal and down right persistent on confronting violence?  

Because I know deep in my heart that I'm planting seeds.  I also know that seeds sprout and have the power to break stone.  Over time, mountains can be turned to rubble and when that happens great healing can unfold.  We are living in a time where our primary focus is to heal and increase our conscious awareness.  The goal is to obtain Christ level consciousness, where love, compassion, empathy, joy and peace reign.  

That is my goal in life.  Not to surrender to somebody else, but to surrender to spirit and trust in Creators guidance in my life.  I have no regrets and I highly recommend to everyone else to surrender.