Reconciling relationships ... with my self

Two days ago I wrote about some of the life challenges I face.  Some people felt that I was thinking in a negative way and suggested I turn my thought process around in order to heal.  

I don't buy into the new age philosophy where only good thoughts manifest change.  I have a lot of experience in my life where I went through some very dark thoughts and behaviours in my life.  The abuse, pain, anger, frustration, resentment, lust, greed and other behaviours were not remedied by meditation, positive thoughts and singing happy songs.  

The level of healing that I had to do required that I take my flash light, enter the abyss and start exploring the darkness within me.  It was a painful, scary, sad and a surprisingly enlightening exploration of self.  

 In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. "dark-bright", "negative-positive") describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected,  and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to  each other as they interrelate to one another. Many tangible dualities (such as light and dark, fire and water, expanding and contracting) are thought of as physical manifestations of the duality symbolized by yin and yang. - Wikipedia 

For me, there is no way I can ignore the darkness within.  In fact, I view it as an integral part of who I am and my experience here in this Physical Realm.  If I ignore it, the darkness starts to swirl, grow and get unruly. That leads to sickness and physical manifestations that inhibit life.  When I recovered from depression I dedicated my life to no longer tell lies to myself.  

If I ignore the darkness and just focus on happy thoughts and feelings, then I am only looking at half of who I am.  This experience has many dualities and they are designed to work together to build strength.  Just as gravity provides resistance for our physical vessels, which results in stronger muscles and bones, our darkness provides the resistance we need to build strength emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  

A lie of omission is still a lie.  Refusing to acknowledge, confront and integrate the darkness with the light does not result in a reconciled relationship with myself.  Part of this journey is to love myself, ALL of myself.  There are lots of things about my self that I hated and I am slowly learning to recognize their value, integrate them into my life and love that they are there and a part of me.  

I AM that I AM - ALL that I AM, including the darkness and light

For me to express fear, pain, anxiety, sadness, loss, sorrow, anger or any of those other emotions or feelings is NOT a negative.  These are not negative feelings or experiences.  They are a part of who I am and are tools to help me deal with the duality within me.  By ignoring them and lying to myself about their existence is the true negative response which will manifest even greater emotions and feelings as they will not be ignored.  

While I appreciate the expressions that were shared a few days ago, I don't see what I did as being 'negative' or a 'wrong' approach.  It is a skill that I learned long ago that has helped me heal some of the most traumatic experiences of my life and come to appreciate, love, embrace and cherish those experiences.  They no longer cause me pain because I accepted them, forgave myself and welcomed them into my life.  That is why I can speak so freely about it all.

I did that by talking, sharing and expressing how I feel, no matter how dark or painful the process may be.  I've found great healing by expressing in this way as others can relate and they too start expressing how they are feeling.  Before long, many are sharing, talking, relating, processing, crying and the flow of energy ends up being released.  

By lying to ourselves and stuffing those feelings & emotions, we stuff the energy and block its flow.  The body must 'store' it somewhere, so it finds specific areas depending on what is being stored.  Messages from the Body is a good book to help identify specific things that may need to be processed based on what part of the body is in pain or producing symptoms.  

While this process may seem foreign for lots of people, this is the process that I've used for 17 years with great success.  It has helped me conquer depression, suicidal thoughts and work through a great deal of emotional, mental, physical and even spiritual pain.  It may seem dark, messy, painful and ugly.  Indeed it is and that is what makes it so beautiful!  I am not afraid to go peering into the abyss any longer and get really messy.  I refuse to ignore or lie to myself in fear of what I may find there.  

This skill saved my life and allowed me to bring balance where there was none.  It helped me center myself and contemplate the relationship I have between the dark and light.  I AM a paradox as life is full of dualities that I'm working to find balance and harmony between them all.  That includes between Spirit and my vessel too.  This is the journey that I explore and there are lots of dark, hidden corners in the labyrinth of my spirit.  I've dedicated this life time to work on it all!  

That is the intent and spirit behind my sharing.  I pray that this clarifies my intent.