Passive / Aggressive behaviour - a personal account
Many may not realize, but the 'old' me was a master of control, abuse and manipulation. I did not use overt violence to get my way. I was too afraid of rejection to start beating people up. No, instead I resorted to covert means of violence. The problem though is that I was not even consciously aware that I was doing it.
I did not figure out what I was doing until my life came crashing down and I surrendered my old ways to learn a new way of life. That is when I started to learn about how abusive I really was. How in the world was I able to control and manipulate people without hitting them? Ahhh, let me count the ways.
To be clear, I don't even like the term 'passive / aggressive' behaviour as it makes it seem so passive and fluffy. The term I now use is covert violence and don't be fooled, the behaviours I'm about to share are very violent.
I was blessed with a very strong intellect. I would estimate that my IQ is probably sitting between 135 and 140, almost genius level. Back in the day I would use my ability to recall facts and know how things work in order to make other people look stupid. I did it as a way to build myself up in order to compensate for a very low level of self love and self esteem. I was hyper competitive and I would do anything to win.
As a result, nobody wanted to play with me any more. By doing this, I was covertly attacking people with shame. I would shame them into feeling inferior and tear down their self esteem. It was a brutal way to treat other people, but I engaged in it with little or no thought about them. Then things started to escalate.
When I lost or people did not want to play with me, I then started my attempts to make people feel guilty. I would start reacting with sadness and even depression in order to guilt people into spending time with me. It was a way for me to gain attention from family and friends.
If anybody tried to confront me, then anger would be my defense mechanism. By yelling at people or storming out of the room, I took their power away and ensured that I was in control, by shutting them down. Nobody could confront me that way. I was so afraid of confrontation that I would do anything to avoid it. I would even resort to lies, manipulation or other control methods to smooth the waters or manipulate people.
For me, I blamed everyone and never took responsibility for my own life. When I was young, my problems were the result of my parents, siblings, friends, school, etc. Later on it was my teachers, classmates, my boss or even the government. I moved from job to job and everywhere I went people were ass holes and jerks.
But my control was even more subtle than that. My old relationship with my wife demanded that she do the cooking, cleaning, my laundry and look after the kids. I controlled the money and demanded that she account for every penny she spent. I would get frustrated or angry if she spent too much money or did not follow my instructions. I also refused for her to get her own car so that I could control her movements.
I was abusive beyond belief and I was completely blind to it all. This level of covert violence is something I see everywhere. I've done a lot of work over the last 17 years to not live this way any longer. I work very hard to ensure that I don't resort to these kinds of violent behaviours. But it also means that I am hyper sensitive to them all and when I see other people engaged in these kinds of behaviours, the red sirens go off in my head.
It is like seeing flashing lights whenever others engage in covert violence. I do my best to approach the issue in a safe way, but I've also had to stand between husband and wife to protect them from the violence. I'm not afraid to confront people when I see this level of violence and abuse.
The sad part is that most people don't see it as being violent. Over the past 17 years I've found even more levels of covert violence that I speak about constantly. For example, the simple act of purchasing a product is a level of covert violence. Especially when we make 'demands' on others and they are forced through dependency to meet those demands. I write articles constantly on these levels of violence.
I'm also taking a very unpopular stand against violence on this very platform that results from a simple click of a mouse from users whom I consider friends. It may seem innocuous, but we engage in violence every day where the violence ends up manifesting down the road, but was initiated with our action or inaction.
A simple vote at the poling stations, for example, is a violent act. How can a pencil mark on a piece of paper be violent? There is no blood, no hurt feelings, no coercion. Right? Wrong! There is all of those, but we are removed from it all, so we don't get to see it.
Almost every activity that we engage in has some sort of covert or even overt violent components. Without actively exploring our relationships we miss out on our own participation in it all. My wife and I worked very hard to reconcile our relationship after our mutual recoveries and build a marriage based on peace, love and freedom.
When we discovered the violent and abusive relationship we had with the state and the corporations, we had to say good bye to them as well. The only way we could reduce our violence and coercion was to retreat to living off grid so that we did not depend on anybody.
While it may be fun for readers to cheer for the little guy as he / she makes the state look impotent, the cheers suddenly go silent when the attention is turned towards them as their own behaviours are rebuked. This journey is not easy. My wife and I stand on principles and those ideals are not easy, comfortable or popular.
But we stand on these protocols, standards and basic law forms for a very specific reason. We want healthy relationships founded on peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love. The journey to acquire this level of relationship is tough, challenging, uncomfortable, painful and richly rewarding.
While I've lost many friends in the past, I know that I don't walk alone and there are others who feel the way I do. I've been rebuked, unfriended, unfollowed, criticized and most likely found crazy, uncomprehending or perhaps even unrealistic.
But I will continue to share my thoughts, feelings and insights as I've experienced a lot in my life time and I feel that my message is important and valuable to the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health of others.
I chose peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love. I've found a way to love myself, set firm boundaries that I use to govern myself and they have served me well as I explore all my relationships here on Mother Earth. My standards are high as a result and some feel upset when they run up against them. I refuse to go back to that way of life. It nearly destroyed me and those in my life. Violence is not the answer. I pray I was able to communicate clearly why I do what I do. I love you.
I agree with you wholeheartedly on 'covert' violence @wwf. I'd like to run with my thoughts and opinions on this please. I think they may link with other things you say. Bit of a ramble .......
Covert violence (aka passive aggression) is not only genuine violence, but is probably more pernicious than 'overt' violence, in that it is not first-level-inyourface obvious, the way physical violence and aggression is! This means it can remain concealed or be ignored or denied much easier and for longer, than overt violence.
At one level of perception, there may be (is for me :) such a thing as natural living or going with the flow or just being (or whatever)....filling out the picture of what it would/might look like to live 'naturally' - without the constraints of conditioning/ego/fears/issues - in other words, manifesting the highest possible expression of who one truly is. Regardless of one's mental positioning on the soundness of this concept, if it is so, then absolutely anything that violates this Natural state of being is to be considered an act of violence and inherently unnatural. Any action (including thought) I take that violates the natural flow (of life, of.......), is violence.
The world already accepts 'overt' violence as 'real', so one doesn't need to think of bruises and broken limbs when considering a broader meaning to the concept. How about bruised feelings and broken hearts/dreams/perceptions? And how often do we find ourselves concealing how we really feel about XYZ? This is also a form of violence! I violate all sorts of integrities, and disrespect everything I touch, when I engage in lies. To conceal is to lie (overtly or covertly, and however seemingly justifiably); to hide something is to fear its discovery - a hidden agenda will always present a surface lie. There are no small lies IMO - is t(T)ruth ever less than 100%? Similarly, is violence ever less than 100%? Can one be 'semi-violent'?
Violence isn't, never was, nor ever will be the answer! Reading the accounts of personal violence above reminded me of my own massive indulgence in covert violence (at many subtle levels... am still uncovering). Violence is born subtly and softly; a whispering thought, a flinching reaction, a splinter of rejection piercing sensitivity and triggering old pains and traumas....expanding outwards, growing larger through time and with each successive echo...with it Control and Fear blossom and reach out for more and more and more; it now becomes imperative to manage this, that and a thousand other stresses, things no longer what they seem...confusion, chaos! An army inside doing brutal, murderous battle (and against whom or what?).
Is this violence? It is not overt and can certainly be (and largely is) concealed from human eyes! No surprise then that once pressure gets so intense, and a suitable trigger (or breaking point) comes along, that these energies explode out onto the streets and living-room carpets. But they are the tip, the outward expression of inner processes. Inner conflict is violence, inner division is violence, so much of thought is violent activity (the energy of hate, complaint, victimhood, victimising, power-mongering)....on and on and on. Overt violence is just more dramatic and eye-catching, not necessarily more violent or destructive IMO.
And finally, a note of agreement about other subtler forms of violence mentioned in the post. Purchasing a product which has been produced under duress (violence) is to assume responsibility for a portion of that violence, or at any rate, to have to deal with taking on some of the energy of violence that went into its making! Here we have any number of mundane, everyday areas opening up - government, social structures, work, food, education and on and on and on, stuffed to the brim with covert violence...and how long have we been internalising all this shit?
We're not powerless at all, we've just given our Power away! We can get it back if we truly and sincerly wish. We can at any time chose not to violate (at each and every little step until it becomes our natural way of living) anything and everything, most of all our own integrity, our own beautiful (yetToBeFullyDiscovered???) Natures. We will always have that choice, it cannot be taken away!
Namaste
🚣
PS @wwf: you mention it here and I have read your 'stance'. I don't offer opinion on the issue, but I do say that any other position (had it occured to me that you were taking one :) would have suprised me. Regardless of perception of any current positions blah blah, my attention is drawn to the integrity with which you act and state your position, willing to stick by it at all cost AND with clear-headed conviction that is open and transparent to scrutiny. I have only seen this demonstrated first-hand on the most sublimely rare of occasions, and I will always salute it as a modus operandi and personal ethics of the highest order..........also, I think you have hands full atm, and Spring is near, so please don't feel obliged to respond at length (or at all even :) 🕊 🕊 🕊
I am stunned at your articulate and insightful response. I LOVE IT! I am so impressed with your capacity to see the level of violence and I can see why you agree with the sharing that I've been doing. While I share in an attempt to reach people who may or may not even consider these ideas, you went much deeper and for that I am grateful.
Thank you for this art work that you just shared. I pray others find it as it does not deserve to be buried in the obscurity of the Internet but should be shared for all to see.
I also want to express my gratitude, appreciation and humbleness over your views regarding the stance that I took this week. I am at a lose of words. I work hard to live my life with integrity and I thank you for not only recognizing my work but for finding the words to express yourself so beautifully. I am humbled. Thank you.
Thank you @wwf, for your kind, appreciative and tremendously encouraging words, and your glowing response to an expression that was triggered by your own thoughts. Communication can be a beautiful process. I find that asynchronous interaction, with plenty of room for expansion on the blockchain, such as we have on Steemit, is ideal for this. One can express a thread without interruption, and with time for reflection. I've never been able to do this in a 'physical' social setting, and, after being kicked around to varying degrees (I kicked too!), largely gave up trying.
Interestingly, since writing last night, I had a little dance with violence myself. I expressed anger, but attempted to take ownership of it and not target/id the trigger, thereby dissipating the violent energy and temptation to blame something/someone for how I was feeling. It's here if you wish to have a look - you might find it interesting (even humorous!? :) in light of this discussion. I was most certainly assisted by this discussion in being able to identify, diffuse, and transform a lot of the violent energy that was initially triggered, though perhaps not all of it :D
I've heard it convincingly said that when one admires something in someone, one aspires to that quality in oneself. You are a role model sir!
My heart weeps hearing how my work has touched and influenced you. I don't think anybody could be prepared to hear such expression of gratitude and appreciation from another. However it warms my heart at the same time as it is this type of connection that enriches my life considerably. It is so rewarding to find people who see and hear what I speak of and have experienced. So while I weep, I express gratitude and appreciation to you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about the experience and influences in your life. <3 Thank you.
A high level of morality is now something very rare indeed my friend. Most of the people that i know or have known, unknowingly engage with and support the state on some level. It's a lot worse here in Australia than in England. The people that work and deal with these business' have no idea that they are engaging in the use of violence, force and coercion upon others. i do not believe that this is their fault, but the consequence of social political programming and environment. The choice to lose a friend over their lack of understanding of these issues, i still find is very hard to deal with. i feel for their loss and sadness of being rejected, and i think before the axe falls on any relationship, forgiveness and education to our moral standpoint is required as a minimum. If they still wish to support those that engage in trespass upon others and they are aware that their standpoint is in violation of my beliefs to the point where it would cost our friendship, then i would agree to cut that link and say goodbye. If however they see the error in their ways and show some level of remorse and express a willingness to change, then i would double down on my own level of forgiveness and offer help until they find their path once again. i think those of us on this journey will have to deal with this loss many times along the way - However my door is always open to lost friends that have seen the error in their beliefs and are now seeking truth. Love to you and Carey :)
I take a similar approach. <3 Peace and love to you as well.
Bravo, my brother @wwf... you give me an information that was scattered in my mind.
And also what @taskmaster4450 said... It was very nice... Because this kind of violence is so pervasive, and we have to be smart in dealing with this violence.
Silence is also a violence... Silence or indifference is a frequently used violence against children in school... When a child asks... We have to take care of his question and give him an answer whatever the question is... because silence is an insult to his mind and soul.
The sad thing is that the preschool child asks at the rate of 100 questions a day, but with the beginning of the elementary is decreasing slowly until it ends and he stopping the question, because of traditional education
YES!!! You are exactly correct there my friend. Great observation and contribution to this topic. I agree with you completely!
I find one of the most commonly used passive-aggressive tactics is the use of humor. This is how people "attack" without really attacking. Because of this they always have the alibi "I was just joking".
Actually, no you werent. The intention was to degrade, embarrass, and make fun of. Ironic how people can justify this behavior.
We see it all over the Internet. People create Memes using the face of a person in some situation that is degrading. These are passed around the Internet with people piling in. I have seen it on here with the situation you mentioned....people putting a face on the body of an animal.
We also see this with trolling. People like to rile others up and make fun of them thinking it causes no harm. After all, we are just characters on a screen. Wrong. There is a person behind those characters, and as we all know, symbolism and imagery are powerful. This causes an energetic/spiritual link with that person which is founded to cause disease. The entire universal ecosystem is thus tainted because of this one act. Now spread that over billions of actions on a daily basis of the same ilk.
One think I learned in my dance with alcohol and overcoming it is that it isnt the big shit that I have to worry about nor will that help me refrain from drinking. I can do the most "spritual/loving" act in the world, big deal. What will slip me up is not taking care of that resentment against my boss or coworker. Or allowing engaging in the slander of another to make myself look better.
It is the little stuff which is where the real work is. Doing good deeds is all well and good but that is the fluff. Focusing upon ones intentions, monitoring the thoughts, trying to determine if an action is out of love or fear...every action, that is where the work is...and the payoff.
As I stated before, when one stands on principle, that person never walks alone.
You are absolutely correct and that is another tactic that I once used years ago as well. My whole family resorts to teasing in an attempt to cope but it ends up being abusive. The amount of dehumanizing that is taking place is so abusive, that is why I wrote a post about it a few days ago.
https://steemit.com/ungrip/@wwf/breaking-the-cycle-of-propiganda-and-demonizing-our-enemies
I also agree with you. It is all the little details that build up into a significant shift in behaviour. Even the littlest shrug or how we look, body language, etc all have significance. If we don't examine all those details to explore how we are 'reacting' we cannot confront our own thoughts, behaviours and actions.
The dehumanizing behaviours brings great sadness. The amount of hatred, venom and anger being expressed is feeding the mob mentality. Yet people still insult those who don't agree or refuse to support it all.
I cannot go there. I will not participate in any of that abusive behaviour. It is morally and ethically wrong and violent. No matter how it is justified.
Deeply thought-provoking.
I began a journey of remaking myself 6 years ago. I watched my focus shift from being a victim, to see how I victimized others in my own way... I effectively shattered both my inner and outer selves... I am choosing the bits if myself that best fit my new reality ... And trying to connect them with Love as the glue...not fear.
Following one's inner compass of integrity is work... Its constantly being defined...it's constantly being challenged. I am learning to celebrate when I make it through a moment where going with the flow would have taken me off my path... But didn't.
Grateful to be getting to know you. Hugs
I am grateful for the openness and honesty that you are expressing. Very impressive and I thank you for sharing like you do. It is rare and I feel you are doing beautiful work! Bravo.
Violence is actually merely the result of all the "No's" and "Dont's" imposed over us by society. Violence is the outlet of frustration or anger which has accumulated over many years due to the lack of Love we experience in the world.
Whenever we follow our Heart we will get back a reflection of "yes, it is possible". I lies WITHIN. The moment we realize this we have anchored the inner Faith and we can always resort to it. Any "no" is not ours but comes from external negative manipulation of "not being enough".
"The only Truth lies within yourself".
So we better throw away what we think we are.
When we stop thinking we won't stop being, but we will stop being and identifying with our thought-made Self, assume the position of neutrally observing our thoughts instead of judging them and consequently judging ourselves...
And I also agree with finding out for ourselves instead of following somebody else's "Truth". When we follow somebody else's Truth there is always a higher chance of playing victim sooner or later since we "didn't want that in the first place". This is the source of blame...
I also practise treating others the way I want to be treated irrespective of how they treat me. Why? When I treat them the way they treat me I RE-ACT. Which means I simply take over their energy and make it my own and send it back. In other words, I prioritize their energy over my own. Instead I RESPOND, coming from my Heart-space. This truly means rising above!
Thank you for your wonderful disclosure! :)
I certainly understand the "covert violence" you are referring to... My mother was like that, manipulating and using every tactic of intimidation, control, even disown and discredit me in public with lies to make me look bad or to avoid her own persona to be tarnished with the truth, using every tactic in the book to emotionally harm and humiliate me to get her way. As I turned into adulthood I was beginning to follow in her footsteps because that is the "tough love" I was shown therefore all I knew, also to defend myself against her. Thankfully I woke up and saw the real world and realized how filthy that sort of behavior was. I haven't spoken to my family in a decade because the behavior continues every time I have tried to remedy the situation and begin communication. Most others looking in on the outside judge me for my decision to sever relationships so I have severed relationships with them too. Perhaps it's selfish on my part but I prefer continuing my path alone than take part in the same toxic behavior they treat me with. I suppose, as you said, the behavior does catch up at some point and cause unfortunate situations that some may not be prepared to handle or ready to face the reality they have created. To this day she still trashes me to other family members, tried to sabotage my employment, sends hate mail. I just ignore it all. Somehow your post made me feel better about walking away from it all instead of degrading my moral to their levels and engage in the madness. Good on you to have woken up to your shortcomings and corrected the behavior before it would affect your life in the long term.
It is a tough journey. I've had to walk away from family too. I don't see it as being selfish at all, but rather strength in having healthy boundaries to protect your own health and well being. It takes a great deal of strength and self love to be able to maintain those boundaries. Bravo to you for seeing the truth of what passive / aggressive / covert-violent behaviour is all about. Bravo to you for healing and walking a path of love, respect and honour. That is what 'tough love' is about!
there is a lot of truth to what you just said, strength in having healthy boundaries and maintaining high values regardless of what was done. Not too many have the strength to have integrity even if it doesn't win you favors or what one wants right away. Not to many with our mentality but the world needs more love.
Thank you for this comment. I also have had to put distance between my father and I as I don't want him influencing how my children grow up. He isn't a bad person but, like me, is high functioning aspergic (undiagnosed). He has made comments in the past that were clearly designed to distance me from my now wife and when we try and discuss our issues he denies any responsibility, even when presented with examples of how he has put my children in physical danger. It is a hard thing to do, though easier now we have left the UK.
tough situation indeed, sometimes for the best. One thing I have noticed is you can't control someone else's actions but you can control how you react to it. Some people refuse to see their wrong doing and it's hard to change detrimental behavior when one refuses to acknowledge. I too don't think it's my mother's fault and I have forgiven her long ago, she was raised the same way, she is just repeating what she knows, I just decided to take a different approach of breaking the cycle.Just goes to show, it may not be a topic often discussed but many around the world are having similar experiences. Talking about it may not fix it but it helps getting thru it. Fortunately many will never know the awful feelings of having to let go of their family for their own personal safety... Great that you are willing to put your wife and children first and be strong. I wish you much luck. xox
This is true, and something my wife has been trying to teach me for many years.
Pics are 😃👌🏾📸
i like your photography,so i saved it.