My own views on addressing depression and suicide

What goes through the mind of those who attempt suicide or those who actually succeed at killing themselves?  For those that die, one may never know.  However, I felt moved to write what was going on through my mind when I attempted suicide in the late 90's and into 2000.  

I write this because a dear friend and brother had to rush into the city last night when he found out that his daughter attempted suicide.  I felt an instant wave of sadness, grief and pain sweep over my body as I know all too well the darkness that surrounds this whole topic.  Feelings of helplessness, sadness, fear, anger, anguish, pain and deep sorrow are just a few of the feelings we experience when we hear of loved ones going through hell, with no hope.  So what's going through their mind?

JiminyBobo [CC BY-SA 3.0]

When I was going through my depression, I was also hiding a secret that was eating me up inside.  When I was a child, I experienced a situation involving inappropriate sexual activities.  The shame and guilt I felt as a result, ended up festering as I swore that I would never tell anybody what happened.  I carried that with me for decades, the weight of those feelings and the secret dragged me down the longer I carried it on my heart.  I was also woefully lacking in the skills to communicate feelings in a healthy way.  I did not have the role models I needed when I was young to teach me how to have a healthy relationship with myself or others.  As a result, I learned that passive / aggressive and even narcissistic behaviours was normal.  Hiding my feelings and storming out the door when I was angry was the appropriate way of dealing with conflict at the time.  Avoiding confrontation at all costs was the way to deal with arguments or abusive behaviours.  

When I was 14, I was in scouts and training as my troupe leader for a huge jamboree in 1981.  One of our leaders took me to pre-camp and he was drunk.  My parents knew this and let me go anyway.  That night my leader took off, abandoning me at camp.  I setup my own tent in the rain and cried for hours as I was scared, alone and not sure how to get home.  I did not know anybody else at the camp as they came from other towns.  One of the other leaders took me in for the weekend and then took me home.  I still lead my troupe to the jamboree and had a wonderful time.

My parents took me to see therapists since I was 12 and none of that worked because I refused to share or had no idea how to put feelings into words.  I was naive and ignorant.   

So why am I sharing all of this?  Mainly due to the fact that we can never really know what trauma each and every single one of us carries around all day long.  Children need to witness healthy healing modalities in order to learn the skills they need to process and work through these types of issues.  They don't have the emotional or mental maturity to heal and as a result, a common result is that they blame themselves.  They feel the shame and guilt that comes from these types of situations.  Their love for their parents, leaders, teachers, etc is almost absolute and as such, they will not confront those who are doing the actual harm.  Most of us is taught to respect authority, no matter what that authority does to us.

When I became and adult, I carried those teachings with me.  As a result, I ended up being an abusive, covertly violent, emotional and mental abuser to others and myself.  I lived in fear and terror as I went through life feeling unworthy, inadequate, unloved, unwanted, lonely, sad and in a tremendous amount of pain.  

These feelings start to swirl deeper and deeper, to the point where the pain becomes unbearable.  When this starts to happen, my mind is at a complete loss as to how to resolve the situation and heal the pain.  I did not have the skills, knowledge or experience on how to deal with these issues, so the pain grew to the point where it covered up everything else.  Depression is the point where I was unable to 'feel' anything else.  As a result, I ended up in a small, dark, hellish box, unable to escape.  

The pain builds and builds to the point where I just wanted the pain to stop.  Since I did not know how to do that, the only other option that I could think of was to end the pain through death.  I had some half ass attempts in the past, but in 1999 I got very close to succeeding.  Somebody found me and they rushed me to hospital.  If I was not found, I would not be sharing this story with you now.

Despite all the interventions, confrontation, group therapy, drug treatments, being in and out of the psychiatric wards six times and even six sessions with Electric Convulsive Therapy, nothing was working for me.  My issue was not chemical / clinical, but rather cognitive (learned behaviours).  It was not until I hit rock bottom and was faced with the choice, change or die, that I decided to surrender and learn how to deal with my shit.

That is when I decided to find the courage to share my story of abuse, abandonment, pain, guilt, shame and all my childhood trauma.  That is when I decided to admit that my life was fucked up and I started learning from others within the group on how to have a healthy relationship.  That is when I learned for the first time that sharing my pain and working through all my feelings was safe and rewarding.  That is when I found just how much weight I was carrying around.

I speak of these issues ALL the time, sprinkled in all my posts for all to see, read and learn.  So now what?

Our youth don't have the mental and emotional maturity to do what I did.  That is why it is absolutely critical that us adults lead by example.  When I recovered from my trauma, depression and suicide attempts, I spent a few years healing myself and learning how to live my life based on these new principles that I learned.  My wife did the same.  

If I was going to help my two sons, who were 8 and 6 at the time, I need to lead by example.  I approached my wife and we started talking and talking and talking.  We lead by example by showing our two boys what it takes to reconcile a relationship, heal past trauma and build a marriage based on mutual respect, peace, love, honour, commitment and sacredness.  It took our boys a while, but now that they are 25 and 23, they have done a lot of work to heal their own trauma and learn the skills!

My wife and I taught them how to do it by showing them by example.  WE did it!  Now that we worked through this with our own family, we hold workshops to teach other adults how to do the same.  We need healthy adults so that we can teach our youth as they learn by example, not through institutional instruction.  They learn through observation and mimicking those that they look up to, those who have influence in their lives; leaders, parents, teachers and adults!  

I'm proud of my two sons.  Sure they still struggle from time to time, but that is what life is about.  They reach out for help when they need it.  They have the skills to acknowledge and recognize their pain.  They know how to put it into words and take responsibility for their lives.  They know how to confront others who are being abusive, rather than taking on all that shit energy for themselves.  

We ALL have trauma, pain and unhealthy behaviours that get passed down from generation to generation.  If we REALLY want to make a profound impact on the issues of suicide, then it is time for us all to walk the path and lead by example.  It is time to work on our healing, find ways to reconcile our relationship with our selves so that we can reconcile our relationships with others.  It is time to confront those who engage in violence, abuse and genocide, whether that happens in our bedroom, boardroom or the back rooms of government.  

If we want to end suicide and the ripples of trauma and pain that it sends through our relationships, friendships and family, then it is time to look in the mirror, heal, learn new ways of how to live and walk the path of peace, love, compassion, empathy, freedom and prosperity.

If we want to be in service, then we must find the courage to step in and help those who are in pain, no matter how uncomfortable we find the situation.  I know for a fact that what saved me was my choice to change AND those who had the courage to confront me on my shit.  Walking on egg shells did not serve me at all.  

Thank you to all those who lead by example, call people on their shit and provide the safe circles for healing to take place.