Ulog #3: Putting Mama's Memories on the Blockchain

_{Mama at 41 and me at 1 year of age}

I've been very busy at work the past weeks that I wasn't even able to stop and take time to remember Mama on her death anniversary a few days ago. I wanted to make a post on that day but maybe it is wiser to keep personal information such as dates that can be associated to me (although I have never seen a bank security question: "When did your mom die?").

This is going to be a short one though as I'm really feeling fatigued these days. I hope I'm still able to write decently for her and it's going to be imprinted here in the blockchain. I want her to be remembered. I don't want to forget her even if she's been gone for over a decade.

Memories of the School Year Opening

For most people, memories of the school year opening is something associated with excitement and fun. Not with me though.

I just finished enrolling for school and while at the campus waiting for a friend, I received a call from my cousin. I couldn't really understand him because he was just crying and mumbling words until I heard the words .."..si Tita..* (auntie) over and over and I knew he was delivering bad news about Mama.

I just sent a text message to my friend and left Manila right away to go back to my home province. I was just crying on the bus and didn't care what other people think.

I can still remember how I felt when I got off the tricycle but I don't know how to best describe it. I never felt anything like that before. As I walk towards the house compound being arranged with funeral accessories and flowers, I just felt I lost the capacity to move. I felt my bones quickly disintegrate as if I have lost them and I'm all so weak. I felt like I was falling because my body doesn't have any support.

Luckily my cousin was running towards me and caught me before I fell.

7 Months of Pain

Mama has been on a state of comatose for over 7 months. She was already released from the hospital because of the growing bill and there's nothing they can do anymore so her siblings who were in charge of the bills chose to take her home. My dad? He's nowhere to be found since he learned about Mama's 1st stroke due to high blood pressure. This was her second stroke and it was now fatal.

She wakes up, I think she listens to us because there was one time my brother and I had a fight and maybe she heard and we saw tears streaming from her eyes. We knew her senses are still there though she can no longer move nor speak. She was just bedridden.

I think she was fighting. But I don't know what for. It was so hard to see her in that condition. She was so skinny and her bed sores won't heal anymore. She was in pain everyday.

Waiting for the good news

I already graduated from high school during this time. There was no certainty whether I would go to university. My relatives were saying I was too ambitious. My rich relative wanted me to work for them as a maid and even negotiated that they will lend me money for school with the condition that I take the degree of their choice. I did not accept that selfish offer.

Mama had many friends and connections. She was a known dressmaker in the town where I went to school. She made school uniforms and costumes for fieldschool field activities at my Alma Mater. When the alumni association learned about what happened to her, they decided to help finish what Mama worked hard for all her momhood - our education. You see, she could have just sent us to a public school but she chose to send us to a better school despite her working alone to pay for the high tuition fees. She wanted the best for us and worked hard for it as a single mom.

It was a miracle I think. I didn't even apply for that scholarship and it was being handed to me. They even added a monthly stipend on top of the regular grant. And I know it was because of Mama while she was lying on her bed.

I saw Mama the day before I got that phone call from my cousin. I went home just for that day to tell her that I'm going to university. I just went home to tell her I'm going to school. And I saw tears from her eyes and she was smiling, using all her strength to because movements are almost impossible for her by now. I was able to give her a last kiss before the day she left.

And I realized why she was still fighting to stay with us. She still wanted to give us a good future even on her death bed. And when I finally told her that I have a more secure future ahead of me, she decided that she can finally go and rest.

I love you, Mama! Even after over a decade, writing this has been painful. I wished you had a better life. I wished I could repay you for everything. Take you to the places I have traveled to. Treat you to nice restaurants. Save up to buy you a house. Serve you. Buy you things you didn't buy because you prioritized us. I wished I was a better daughter.