Good morning!

I just woke up from a nap. Earlier around 4:45am, I went out to witness another magical morning by the beach, and it did not disappoint. I was welcomed with crazy clouds once again.

I went out because I have two things in mind;

1. I need new photo references for my drawings. I know I can juts go to Unsplash and try painting free photo references, but I love photography, and I love taking my own reference photographs, specially if I have plans of selling my paintings soon. (Will you guys be interested to buy? Comment down below.)
2. I was in dilemma about my change of heart. I knew it's gonna sound so petty, but your girl feels intensely, so these changes means a lot to me.

I will explain about those changes later on. For now, please enjoy the photographs. These are raw, unedited images straight from my phone. ✨

Before anything else, let me just tell you how disappointed I am with myself.

At around 4:30am, I changed clothes, brushed my teeth, cap on; then all of the sudden I thought of drawing the sunrise live. So I took out my drawing pad and selected soft pastel colors for sunrise — shades of yellow, orange, red, blue, and a black. But as I was about to leave the house, anxiety surprised me with the most crippling thoughts, so I gave up and walked out with only my phone whilst telling myself, "It's okay. You're just going to check the place now and see where you can draw discreetly next time."

Pathetic because I know the place very well. It was only a consolation I gave myself to not feel so right down pathetic. I know, I know. I should be kind to myself.

Anyway, some more pictures? ✨

I am in denial.

A lot of you might have noticed how I am painting landscape these days. It is consuming me, and I always willingly surrender because painting landscape calms me. It is becoming an unstoppable obsession that the only way out is to paint more and improve a lot.

But if you think about my works in the past year, it was all about people, mainly portraiture and figure. When I started drawing in 2012, I drew a face and thought it was amazing that I can draw a face, and so I started making art again. My whole artistic journey revolved around drawing faces, perfecting it to my liking. Even last year's intense practice was all about portraiture.

Now, where is this going, you say?

Here — I love portraiture and figure drawing my whole heart, and I still want to fulfill my grandest dream of attending an atelier in this lifetime, but I feel like I am leaning towards landscape now which is equally great.

I just feel like if I do landscape now, there's a possibility of lesser portraits, and it sucks in a way. Does this sound so petty? Because it seems like I'm abandoning something I devoted my years into. This transition is giving my the headache because I am a very loyal person, sometimes too much for my own good, but perhaps if I don't take this change, I won't grow as an artist.

Have you guys felt the same way before? Not letting go of a certain habit because you've grown so attached to it or perhaps it just feels so odd somehow? I honestly can't describe it, and although it's all in my head, words won't just suffice.

Can somebody enlighten me with this one? I just realized I haven't done anything for the last 2 days because of this. I find it petty though, like I think I know the answer, but I am just in denial.

Guess it's also because I am a highly sensitive person, don't you think? Ahh, sorry for the my scattered thoughts. I am still lost in my own little maze.

Cheers! ✨