#ULOG No.14: Broken But Chosen

Ulog #14
Date: May 22, 2018 (Late Post)
Title: Broken But Chosen

Image Source: Pixabay

Last night dinner time, my daughter called me in my room to go and join the family to eat. I honestly feel like an imbecile sometimes, because people in the house does not let me do anything. All I do is eat and do whatever I like. Mainly because I am ill.

Everyone is sensitive towards me. They give me space, they have high regards for me and my needs. I am a priority. I am authority. I'm not just a princess here, I am a queen. I appreciate all that. I actually do not talk much around them because I observe a lot. I read people's thoughts and I am so blessed and loved by these people.

As we were having dinner, I just sat there quiet and kept staring at the food. I'm in deep thoughts about many things. My mom who sits next to me at the table, put rice on my plate and put exactly a matchbox-size cut of pork. I actually cannot have more serving of meat than a matchbox. Yep, sad life. Hahaha! Amazing how my mom consciously does that. I thought to myself, this is love. I am so quiet, the whole dinner time, I do not talk. I even forgot to thank my mom because I was overwhelmed with what I feel. How blessed and loved am I beyond what I think I deserve.

My daughter got me a glass of water midway through the meal, the glass is half full because I cannot have more. I have a limit of 350-500 ml per day. Amazing how my daughter has grown, at 11 she is too responsible of things than I expect her to be. I am glad I have helped raise her to be a whole lot better than me when I was her age.

I felt like crying. I struggle to hold it and just be quiet. As I end my meal, I was going to pray for all these graces and being blessed with a family that makes me feel so loved in all the simple and right ways.

Then I tell myself, God, I now understand why it has to be me. Why I'm the one sick and thank you for giving me this challenge in my life. Thank you for making me strong, I know you are all the source of my strength. God, you never left me. I know with you I will overcome.

Why does it have to be me? Because I cannot bear seeing this pain and misery in the ones I love. It will kill me more than it kills me now if this happens to any of them. I am suffering, no doubt and no exaggeration. No one has an idea how it is to be Karen. I know my family is hurt seeing me sick but it's better this way because I know I am chosen for a reason. I can bear this, I was given this much courage because I was meant to be the warrior. This is my fight. I'll give this fight my best and my all and a good warrior I will be.

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