ULOG #10: Challenging Myself to Write - Day 8.

in ulog •  2 months ago

Day 8. Share something you struggle with.

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Like many mothers out there, I have my mom goals. I also still have my working woman goals. It has been a year since I left the office environment to become a stay at/work from home mom. To say it was a like a roller coaster ride is an understatement. In that 12 months, I have and continually am learning to deal with being a stay at / work from home mom.

When I left the corporate world, I had months where I couldn’t think of how to contribute with the budget. Steemit came around and it helped me in two ways – I used at as an avenue to vent out my thoughts and paid me to do that. Growing up, I have always tried to be financially independent. No, I didn’t do jobs to help with my school but, I studied hard to get scholarships that would pay for my tuition and provide my stipend. I usually would give a part of it to my parents, not because they need it but, it just felt like it was nice to give back. Staying at home, getting projects every once in a while was ok. But, it didn’t give me the satisfaction I used to have when I get my own money on a regular basis.

Don’t get me wrong, the time I get to spend with my kids is more amazing than getting a weekly paycheck. Just imagine how many things I no longer worry about, like if they are being taken care of by whoever I left them with, if they’re eating on time, if they’re getting enough attention, etc., I would know because I’m the one taking care of them now. Staying at home is priceless but can be incredibly challenging and can be really hard sometimes.

I mostly have good days (credits to the daily reports given by my preschooler’s adviser). But, it gets tiring sometimes. You get tired not seeing the bottom of your laundry basket, washing the same dishes over and over, picking up to every toy or worn clothes left wherever, dealing with toddler (and sometimes, adults) tantrums, the monotonous list is endless. Not to mention, you still have to do this even when you’re sick. And, if you are sick, no one takes care of you but you.

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My son complaining how tired he was as we were preparing for their term exams.

At times, I’d feel ugly and smelly and that my kids hate me because I didn’t let them play in the rain. Then, I’d feel guilty that I am not being a good mom or a loving and caring wife. My husband would ask once or twice a week if he could see his friends and I would say yes, feeling that I have too because he just might be bored with me and he needs other company. But then I’d start to think, hey… these are the same faces I get to see everyday and he has office mates and people he bump into the street everyday. I should be the one out there.

Yes. I am struggling with my life as a stay at / work from home mom. The piled up laundry, arguments about everything, meals to cook, sick kids, budget, dishes, undone beds, unfed pets, sick kids, dusting off, sweeping, all while keeping a home based project that pays. If there is such a thing as stay at / work from home depression, it could be it. I just struggle to be the perfect mom and wife and still be the same person I was before I became stay at home and I feel guilty that none of them appears to be true.

I know, I have a lot of things to be thankful for.

I am beside my kids 24/7. They are safe, they are well fed.
I have an understanding husband and he’s healthy (or at least I know he is).
I get to spare myself from the hassle of commuting to and from work and dealing with challenging co-workers.

I read how moms like me suffer the same and how keeping in touch with their friends over a cup of coffee works magic. Maybe I’ll try that. Because, yes. I miss having friends too.

You know what’s surprising? The past few days have been extra challenging but writing it down here made it a little lighter. So, maybe… Just maybe. If you’re a mom like me who goes through the same struggles, “this” can probably work. If you have no one to talk to about it, or if there is but you just don’t feel they get you, write it down. Someone once said, “letting it out can make a difference”. And, this is one good way of letting it out.

This is Day 8 in my attempt to complete the writing challenge I put myself to. You may read about the challenge here.

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Thanks for reading!

Love,
Jonah

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