Let me start by saying this MY opinion and I don't speak for COM
"Is this really COMEDY OPEN MIC or POLITIES OPEN MIC?"
It's true, COMers are pretty polite people. That was the first proper joke you've written under the COM tag, Congratulations! That line actually has a bigger chance of winning than both your entries combined.

Now, why you didn't win

Well, first of all, with each new round announcement and with each winner announcement COM makes it clear that there are rules to follow. In specific a rule about nominating two people. Breaking COM rules means you're not eligible for prizes. Now allow me to say that we at COM did commit one clear mistake, and that is upvoting your entries despite them breaking the rules. Go to any contest and see if you'd get an upvote when breaking their rules, I'm guessing the cousin in this scenario is you.

Also this is very important, even by following the rules, your entries still wouldn't have won, you know why ? Your entries have extreme shortage in punchlines, You know, those things you end jokes with, poorly structured, and disjointed I was one of the judges who were rating your entry, and I was actually in charge of rating the two of them. One scored 1.5 for me and the other 2.5 and that was being generous because some effort was put on it. The nicest thing said about your entries is "Nothing too funny about this one"

The only actually funny line that we laughed at has been the "Tigidik!!!". COM has evolved ALOT since it started, I mean have you looked at who you're competing with for prizes? People writing and recording songs, Long, well written fan-fiction that are easily best-selling authors level of greatness, I'd suggest everyone especially you, go to check @comedyopenmic's Winners' Post to have a good hard look at the level of posts you're claiming to be better than, people are writing stuff as creative as futuristic space commercials and you're attempting to with "USAMAbinBombHead" and horrible jokes that are 75% copy/paste at least. But you don't know all of those posts, you haven't read them. You know how I know that? Because you haven't read the rules that you didn't follow, or have the slightest understanding of the prize you're complaining about is, "People's Champ" Is for the post with the highest payout, it's not picked by judges.

Also regarding what my fellow COMers said, no you didn't lose because comedy is subjective, you lost because 5 different people rated your entries and no one gave it more than 2.5, and trust me a good percentage of that is for the effort. Now I could have easily told you the very valid reason that you lost because you didn't follow the rules but it is important for me to point out how far you were from winning even if you have.

But you don't know that or anything, because you choose NOT TO know these things, instead you choose to live inside your own bubble and believing you're the best and you're underrated and underappreciated. Well, allow me to be the first one to say, considering how they've done, your post are over-appreciated and you sir are appreciated and valued at the exact same you level you should be at.

I'd suggest you work on yourself and come back with something actually funny. That's the only way to win with us.