Stony's Deal

"I'm gay," said Stony.

Dr. Underground heard his lab kit smash on the concrete floor, but he didn't worry about budgets because his life's dream had just come true.

Or so he thought. "Did you just say something?"

"I'm gay," repeated Stony. "Quit bringing me females."

Dr. Underground had heard Stony utter gravelly words before. The difference this time was that he was speaking spontaneously instead of parroting a single "hello" or "doctor," then snatching his banana reward and scampering to the back of his habitat. This, this was a scientific breakthrough.

"The surgery on the Broca's area finally worked!" Dr. Underground cried, shaking his fists. "Yes!"

"And another thing," Stony clutched the iron bars and growled. "No more surgeries."

Dr. Underground observed Stony the chimpanzee. He couldn't be prouder of his creation. Oh, he almost forgot a reward! The doctor grabbed a banana out of the cabinet and gingerly poked it toward him. "Good boy."

"I'd rather have a mango," Stony said.

The doctor poked the banana at him again. "Don't you want your banana for being a good boy?"

Stony snatched it and threw it on the ground. "I said I want a mango, you pasty turd."

"Oh," said Dr. Underground. "You. Want. Man-go?"

Stony took aim and pelted the doctor with the banana. Dr. Underground noted that his subject was aroused. Where were his clipboard and pen? More importantly, where were the other members of his team?

As the doctor left to find his colleagues, he could hear the chimp demanding his mango.

Stony paced the trail he'd made around his habitat and climbed the tree. As he swung back and forth, he thought of a plan.

Dr. Underground returned with Dr. Sike instead of a mango. Stony stopped swinging and glared at them both.

"You think the vocalizations were purposeful?" Dr. Sike asked, eyes blinking rapidly behind owlish glasses.

"He said he was gay and he wanted a mango," Dr. Underground answered her.

Dr. Sike approached the bars cautiously. She heard what sounded like glass crunching under her feet. "Stony? Can you say ma-ma?"

"Lady, I told that idiot I want a mango, not you," Stony replied.

Dr. Sike backed away, blinking, blinking. She turned to Dr. Underground, who was busy scribbling, scribbling. "He's talking in full sentences?"

"Yes," said Stony. "I am. And you will listen to me."

"This is remarkable," said Dr. Sike. She stopped blinking, and her buggy blue eyes wandered to the ceiling. "It must have been the Xyzamolid injections!"

"You people want me to talk?" Stony asked.

Dr. Sike and Dr. Underground turned their attention back to him. "Yes," they both answered in unison.

"Well, here's the deal. You give me what I want and I'll keep talking. If you don't, I won't even say 'ma-ma' or 'doc-tor' ever again. I've gone my whole life without talking to you. You think I'm going to do it now for free?"

They just stared at him stupidly.

"Is it ethical practice to make deals with the subjects?" Dr. Sike asked Dr. Underground.

"I don't think it would help our projec--"

"You've been making deals with me this whole time," Stony grumbled. "Banana for 'ma-ma,' banana for for shots, bananas for surgery I don't need. I'm sick of bananas! I want a mango."

"OK, Stony," Dr. Sike said slowly, softly. "I'll get you a mango."

Dr. Underground set down his notepad and whispered in Dr. Sike's ear.

"No!" Stony shouted in his deep chimp voice, startling the doctors. "You talk to me, I talk to you. No whispering to each other."

Dr. Underground nodded and Dr. Sike adjusted her glasses.

"Here's the deal, take it or leave it. First of all, quit bringing me females. I'm gay," Stony declared.

"We've been trying to get you to breed," Dr. Underground said. "That's why we introduced you to Wendy and Lisa."

"Well, it's not going to work. I want a male."

"Maybe you just haven't found the right female yet," Dr. Sike offered.

"I am a proud gay male chimp. I know who I am, lady. Do you?"

"Artificial insemination," Dr. Underground said.

"No. If you want me to keep talking to you, you'll stop messing around with my junk and give me a boyfriend." Stony banged on the bars.

"So you want a male chimp companion and a mango?" Dr. Sike asked.

"Yes, but that's not all I want. There will be no more shots, shocks, surgeries, or bananas. You hear me?"

The doctors nodded.

"Also, I want a bigger habitat and another tree. I'm bored. That's why I've been chewing my nails bloody, you morons."

"All right," said Dr. Sike, sharply. She didn't like the way Stony was insulting her and making unreasonable demands. She wondered if he'd be treating her this way if she were a man. "I'll find a mango for you." She sulked her way out of the laboratory.

Dr. Underground banged around in a locker, then came back with a broom and dustpan. He began sweeping up the broken glass and banana pulp.

"That's right. You clean up after me," said Stony.

Dr. Underground chuckled. "You've got me all figured out, don't you, Stony?"

"You bet I do. You try to 'fix' my brain when you really need to fix your own. Wendy and Lisa told me you didn't cut their heads open. They think you're a mad scientist, and I do, too."

"I do research for the noble cause of science," Dr. Underground corrected him.

"Shut up, you Frankenstein freak."

Dr. Underground turned his back to Stony and entered notes into the computer. He wasn't about to react to his subject's harassment. He'd been called a mad scientist before, but never by a chimp.

Cradling a plump mango in her hand, Dr. Sike re-entered the laboratory.

"Here you go. Catch!" She tossed the mango at Stony.

He caught it and gobbled it down. It was the most luscious fruit he'd ever eaten. As the juice dripped down his chin and from his fingers, Stony started to feel very tired.

Dr. Sike and Dr. Underground watched Stony slump to the ground.

"What if he won't talk to us anymore after this?" Dr. Sike asked.

"The cameras were all on," Dr. Underground said. "We have footage."

"That's good," Dr. Sike mused. "Our experiment was a success."

Dr. Underground didn't hear her, as he was in deep thought. "Besides..."

"Besides what, Dr. Underground?"

"I have ways of making him talk."

---

Story and photo by me, @hope-k!

@mctiller's 24 Hour Short Story Contest can be found at this link: https://steemit.com/twentyfourhourshortstory/@mctiller/writers-win-5-steem-about-usd20-in-the-24-hour-short-story-contest-topic-6-for-february-27