Do you know your demons? What are the things that occupy your mind and won't let go till they bring you to your knees? If you could find out the secret of the power they hold over you, could you gain access to that power yourself?

That is the question I pose and begin to answer in my last post. This post, I make it personal. If you're not one of the seven people that read that post, I strongly urge you to do so. I'm about to describe my inner most intimate experience, which is admittedly somewhat divorced from reality. But I'm not the only one to go there. To some degree or another, most people will experience this condition at least once in their lifetime. It's an arena that many ADULTS can recognize. (Sorry but these tricks aren't for kids.)
What I'm afraid of is that, without the preface of my previous post to help readers relate, I will probably just sound batsh*t crazy. Context is everything here. https://steemit.com/life/@heretolisten/falling-in-love-debunked

I'll just wait till you get back

NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN!

It usually hit in the spring. Familiar scents carried by the first warm breeze start stirring sleeping memories. The past, just out of the reach of consciousness, lightly brushes the periphery of my mind with seductive promises. Late summer nights from younger days want to mess with emotions that have been lying quietly, behaving themselves for years now. ln response I assure myself that all that nonsense is behind me. I'm happily married and didn't need any drama in my life, but there's no denying the momentary nostalgia and undefinable longing for something beyond mere normality.

It was late afternoon, the first really hot day after a typically tough New England winter. I was working in one of my gardens on the edge of the road when a new silver BMW came up the hill and turned right, going past me as it headed up the road. I used to drive a 320i back in the day. It was almost 10 years old when we got it, a sporty little four-speed that I was totally in love with. Drove it for another ten years before finally having to lay it to rest. I had yet to get over the loss. The one driving by was a shiny new 330, sweet!!! I glanced at the driver. He was late 20;s, his shaved head covered with a baseball cap worn backwards. Seemed to be quite impressed with himself, but frankly the guy did nothing for me. The next day when the same car went by again I barely bothered glancing up.

My husband Gary and I, along with our two dogs, live on a quiet road with a total of 15 houses on it. Situated around a lake, it's in a neighborhood of a couple thousand densely packed homes on similar streets, seemingly laid out by a dyslexic engineer with ADD. Having lived there for almost 10 years, you get to know most of the cars belonging to your neighbors that go up and down the road.

The next weekend, I'm walking across the front yard towards the house when a beat up SUV that I'd seen go by many times before, is turning the corner to go down the hill, with a trailer and quad in tow. I was almost at the kitchen door when I heard a crash and turned around to see what happened. The SUV had stopped and backed up the hill, slamming the trailer into the rocky embankment. Seeing me turn around, the driver calls out his window, "Hey, do you know Rob Grady?" Apparently it was this burning question that had caused the minor accident. "I met you before with Rob Grady" he went on.
We did, in fact, both know Rob, and yes, I had met this guy a couple times three or four years ago. Turned out he'd moved into the place three houses up a couple of years back and just decided to (re) introduce himself.

His name was Brian. We talked for a while about our mutual acquaintance and about the house that Brian had bought with his girlfriend. Despite having a girlfriend, the reason why he had stopped was blatantly obvious. When we finished talking, I walked away still unimpressed and thinking "Sorry dude, you are too young and SO not my type."
None the less, later, when I walked by his house, curious, I looked down the driveway. The 330 was parked outside. That had been him. And despite my strong conviction that I wasn't the least bit interested, I started noticing when I'd see it driving past the house. Then, as time went on, I started noticing when he didn't go by... Slowly at first, kicking and struggling, I felt myself sliding faster and faster down the slippery slope to obsession.

I'm telling you, even at the time, part of me was like, "Oh no, not this crap again! SERIOUSLY... THAT GUY? WT actual F???"

Generally this is not something I want to share. I hope that reading it isn't make you as uncomfortable as writing it is making me.
I mean it's a moral issue, right? Clearly it's messed up to even having such thoughts, whether or not I act on them. And beyond that, it all sounds pretty insane. I didn't speak to Brian for months and yet he took up residency in my head.
At the time I would reassure myself that I wasn't nuts because people that are crazy don't think they're crazy, WHILE I WAS CONVINCED I HAD LOST MY F***ING MIND.

But before you judge, try to recognize that the obsession (obviously) was not being generated by anything I had conscious control over. Something that wasn't part of consciousness was coming into consciousness and wreaking havoc. To attribute it to a kid up the road who wanted to get in my pants wouldn't just be completely missing the point, I would be missing an amazing opportunity.

As anyone that's been there can testify, energy that invades in this way, no matter how it's being expressed, is incredibly potent and powerful. It's possible if the light of consciousness is strong enough and properly focused, that it can temper the negative tendencies while integrating its power. So while its entry into consciousness can be problematic (to say the least), made to function positively, it can be a force for significant developmental change.

This is the process of wrestling with our demons.

Most of us see a model of reality consisting of some aspect, we identify as "ME" being responsible and in charge of whatever transpires within the confines of our minds. That is blatantly false. The culmination of the entire evolution of mankind as a species is always present and far more powerful as a force, than the fragile flickering flame we identify with and think is running the show.

Carl Jung referred to the flickering flame as "ego", a word that has gone mainstream and picked up a lot of negative connotations in the process. Thing is, if our ego is too weak, we're easily overwhelmed by internal forces that can and will cause problems for the struggling temporal existence. While if our ego is too strong, it doesn't allow for anything BUT focus on our struggling temporal existence.
These days that's mostly where most people are at. In fact, most of what's considered SUCCESSFUL, falls under this category. The negative connotation comes from the fact that, while we're succeeding on a personal level, we our failing to evolve both individually and as a component of the species. There needs to be balance.

Next post I'll go into further details of my experience over the course of that summer. It was a major tipping of the tables for me, my trip down the first of many rabbit holes. Escaping the head game and delving into the mystery beneath became the driving force empowering my life.