Don't TELL Me Who You Are and What You Do-- SHOW Me!
You're probably familiar with the old saying "The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions."
This being the season of "New Year's Resolutions" and goal setting, I got to thinking about just how many people seem quite capable of throwing "Big Words" about their intentions and deeds out there, and yet seldom follow up.
MAKING Promises is Much Easier than KEEPING Promises!
One of the reasons I stopped making new year's resolutions many years ago was that I was striving to live life with consciousness and integrity.
Winter sunset
As I took a long hard look at myself-- and then at the world around me-- I came to see just how easy it is to say you'll do something, and yet not follow through on your promise.
New Year's resolutions can be one of those "fuzzy" areas-- you say you're going to do something, but it's just a vague promise, made (often) under group pressure.
With some people, it is almost as if they start fabricating the excuses and rationalizations for not doing something, as soon as the alleged "promise" leaves their lips.
I don't know if it's just a sign of the times, but it seems like more and more people say things like "Oh yeah, I'll totally do XYZ for you" and a week later the stream of excuses suggest that the person making the promise actually never had any intention of completing the task... the "promise" was actually little more than a figure of speech to make them look good or "helpful" in the moment.
Keeping Your Word: Don't SAY it, if You Don't MEAN it!
California desert flowers
Of course, being impeccable with your word can actually be a lot of work.
When I started looking at my own speech patterns (this was almost 15 years ago, now) I recognized that I said a lot of things to people, for a variety of reasons.
Now, I probably worked harder than most on keeping my promises, but I quickly realized that I pretty much had no way of actually doing everything I told people I "could do." I would have needed 30-hour days! And the greater problem-- of course-- was that I really didn't want to do most of these things, I was just trying to stay on people's good side.
Many of us have issues with being thought "not helpful" and "not nice" if we don't volunteer to be participants in a lot of situations we actually have no interest in.
Frustration With Empty Promises
Bright summer flowers
These days, I make far fewer empty promises to people, often simply staying silent when (as often is the case) the "invitation" is hung out in front of me.
If (for example) someone says "I really need some help with my web site," I'm not going to say "I can help you" unless I sincerely intend to do the task. More likely, I'll say "there are lots of capable people out there, I hope you find someone good!"
Of course, that also means I'll have to deal with people's disappointment-- but it seems to me that part of consciousness and mindful living also means not avoiding other people's responses to your choices. And quite frankly, if someone is going to mope around if you tell them you will not be able to do something for them... it brings into question what the friendship or relationship is based on, in the first place.
I also avoid "half promises:" You know, where you tell someone "If you can't find anyone else, I'll do it." Most people stop looking for "plan A" when they have a solid "plan B" so by being the backup, you've pretty much committed.
Cynicism... or Reality?
The title of this post has increasingly become words I live by. People's deeds mean a lot more to me than empty words... and when someone does make sweeping statements of intention and promise, I tend to take them at face value... and hold them to their word.
Some think that's makes me a cynic, but frankly? I think it makes me more of a realist.
How about YOU? Do you think people make "promises" to either look good, or get off the hook... even if they have no intention of doing what they said? Do you fund such behaviors annoying? Or do you just see it as "the way of the world?" Do deeds speak louder than words? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!
created by @zord189(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 180107 15:23 PDT
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I absolutely think a lot of people make promises or commitments because they think it will make them look good or please other people. My perception (and experience) of the problem with that is that when you always offer or say "yes," you end up overextended, with little energy or ambition to fulfill many (if any) of those commitments. I also think that a lot of people feel guilty for saying "no" when they're already overwhelmed with commitments or obligations and agree just because they don't want to feel guilty or like they're letting someone down. It's definitely one of the struggles I've been working on the past few years...allowing "no" to be a perfectly acceptable answer, or simply saying nothing at all. Thanks for the brain food with this post and reminder that intentional behavior is what I'm always striving for.
Feeling overextended was definitely the bane of my existence for many years. Many moons ago, I read a book called "The Disease to Please" and that was helpful... I operated under the mistaken assumption that the way to get ahead in life was to be uber-helpful and available to people. Of course, the downside to making yourself "indispensable" (especially in a work situation) is that everyone comes to you when they need something... and you get completely snowed under.
A friend of mine once reminded me that "NO is a complete sentence," and I have taken that somewhat to heart.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
Ahh...yes, I can absolutely relate to being the "go to girl" at work! Early in my career, I was angling to be that person, and now, I'm actively working toward unloading all of that, which is TOUGH! I'm interested in taking a read of the book you mentioned. I found "The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome" by Harriet Braiker on Amazon. Is that the one?
This is tough but I definitely know some who seem to operate in this way of making hollow promises. I think it happens even on this platform. I myself have been guilty of it to an extent here. I think for me it has come out of just enthusiasm and over-zealousness. I mean I have had good intentions, but as you say the road to hell...
Thank you for your post. Thought provoking as always!
No denying it can be tough. I've just gotten better at saying nothing than agreeing to something I will then be held to later. And yes, I have on occasion done the whole "yes, I'll check out your group" thing out of politeness... although it's getting easier to say "I'm sure it's very cool, but it's really not my bag."
Like @coddiwomple said, alternatively, lots of people DON't say "no" in order to save face, and it's tough for people to actually be real and own the "no".
But man, so many people do the exact opposite of "show don't tell". I have another phrase that goes "The louder you HAVE to say something, the less true it is" (which is good to inspire another piece of writing ;)
It is often very hard to own an authentic no.
"I'll TRY to make it to your party!" What the hell does that mean, when it's at home? What, you're going to circle the block and your car will mysteriously veer left every tie to get to my street?
Why are we so afraid to say "I'm sorry, but I just won't be able to make it."
Always do what feels good, just be clear about it.
It will give joy and understanding.
Doing what feels good is definitely one approach... there's also doing what feels right.
My word is my bond, it is how I was raised.
Pretty much the same here. My dad was fond of saying "Don't let your lips write checks your actions can't cash." I always thought it sounded rather dorky, but it's really quite true.
Yes it is I heard the same saying!
MAKING Promises is Much Easier than KEEPING Promises! it's really truth. Sometimes i wish i never ever heard a promise from someone.
For me, part of the problem becomes that when people make empty promises so easily, it becomes hard to know who you should believe...
me too, it's really make disappointed
Maybe if your not sure, don't promise. You can just say it. It's better to not promise but you will try it than make a promise that you're not 100% sure you can do it. We just have to be a little sensitive for other people's feeling. We all know the feeling so do the things we want others do to us. That's my opinion :)
I would agree with that-- "if you're not sure, don't make a promise." It just seems a lot of people are more concerned with "looking good" in the eyes of their friends or employer... rather than standing in their integrity.
Motivational post for many this is truly awesome you are doing amazing things...
Sometimes I just view people as a headless chicken running amuck lost in the sea of options. They either overbook because they want to do everything or they simply try and be too “polite” in not wanting to anger someone. Then you have people who just don’t take NO for an answer.
I can understand some people highly value every waking moment of life so they have to 100% be booked and not “waste time” by having downtime. It just gets annoying when it’s a scheduling issue for weeks on end. You know they want to do it they just don’t have the time. At which point I understand and let them know its fine no worries. Then out of blue one day with zero warning you are suddenly expected to drop everything because “they weeks ago made room on their schedule for you.” Great! Would be nice to have been included in on that conversion…
Then we seem to be oversensitive and not wanting to let people down by saying “no.” I admit I’ve been guilty of this but I do my best then to follow thought anyways. Far too many people view “maybe” as I will at some point. As you pointed out once they have a “backup” well your it baby! I have just found over the years its best to outright say “no” if you are uncertain. I don’t always keep strong in this conviction, however.
Then you have people no matter what “NO” is not only unacceptable it’s an endless guilt trip. I’ll tell these people yes once they just can’t accept no -- so I can move on with my life. Do I go along with things when its time? Heck no, that makes me a rather bad horrible person I know and has ended a lot of “one-way” friendships in the only matter they understand.