Life, Plane Rides, indefinite optimism and archiving!

Jan 10, 2018

I am sitting in a plane surround by strangers. I have a book in my hand, my only companion. I am reading "what the dog saw" . It is a collection of essays by maclom gladwell. I thought the first book I will be reading this year would be - "The inevitable" by kelvin kelly. But , no it isn't . I will be reading it soon anyway.

So I am sitting in a plane and the plane already flew. I am scared a bit. It's hour plane ride. I look at the book, I wish I could write a book like this before I die. I reach out to my pocket, pensil it is not there. Am I not allowed to write in plane . Probably. I look around and Sigh.

I am excited, nervous and afraid that I am on a plane ride for the first time in my life.

I look outside the window plane. I can see the clouds, birds and sun in the horizon,
Oh my god. I am floating in the air.

I can feel i am flying right now.
I have never been above the clouds. I know it is beautiful.

Suddenly, the plane makes a sudden vibration. I look at these strangers, the strangers look at me.

I am scared they can see that in my face.
5 seconds more, the plane starts to shake and now is making noise. I am expecting the plane to explode in any second.

It can happen.
I am visualizing it is my last moment.
Strange noise
Confused faces.
I am going to die without telling what I was, without showing my real face. Without telling I love my parents and friends and families.

" My Heart beat racing". I lived my life not being true to myself. .
I have had similar conversation with myself when I was jumping from a high altitude in water. It was called cliff jumping.
I jumped from 0.5 km high into water and didn't come out for a minute maybe.
that time, For a minute .. I was only thinking how amazing this life is, and I would live my best if I survive. That was 4 years ago. Was I living my life fullest?
Was I?
I am so afraid in this moment, I felt like praying.
Does everyone pray before death?
I started praying to universe to please let me live, I will do something great in this life. I will do when this plane lands!!
Apart of me knows nothing will happen.
But nothing is not certain. What if I died here. Oh my god?
I am really anxious to death.
3 years and I could not take this thing out of my head. I am eating, sleeping, waking up, and doing my work being conscious about my mortality.
It is not possible for me to accept death.
Fuck. Why do I have to die?

I hate when people say it literally that everybody dies.
I could feel like punching in their face.
You Fucker, you are dying and you don't know why.
You are alive and you don't know why? Who are you to answer me?
Death is not a person or else I would desperately want to punch him. I could have captured it or try to kill death.
I would be alive then immortal. I'd be free from my fear of dying. I know I have started sounding like a evil nihilist villains. Or evil existentialist.
Some time I am aware of my ethical limitations and morality. But FUCK. Is it moral to die?

What if as the story of dragon,
Death is a dragon and we could defeat it?
What if? I am waiting for that day when death will be defeated by technology.
I kind of feel like death is a sickness and it can have cure.
Or else someday we will upload our brain in computer and life forever.
Wait will I be wanting to live in computer?
Well. Will I want to die?
I don't know, All I know is I desperately want to live.

This is so much to do, so much to know, so much to say, I don't want to die in this Fucking plane with these fucking strangers.

I keep my both hands in my chest. All is well all is well. I sign. Someday certainly everyone has to die. Someday yeah.

The worst part of death is not that we die but what does within is when we are alive.
Fuck this all. Fuck the fucking fuck!!
Death is still not accepted by me! Death is still not getting beyond me.
As a matter of fact when someone dies all we know is they die. I know the pain of losing someone you love. I know how it hurts? How much you will hate god and universe and life. How much pessimistic you will become.
But as stoics say death is not the opposite of life but part of it. As Darwin said death is part of evolution , we die and someone better and stronger species will be born. And as I have been constantly hearing, death is what gives meaning to life.
You know I am very optimistic when it comes to living a life but when I think about death, I become a pathetic , miserable , pessimistic fool.
While thinking all this, The plane lands on the airport. I am glad I survive. I am glad I have a life!!
When we are learning about the world and ourselves, the saddest learning we learn is that we will not be here forever.
For I was not here a decade before, same will happens many decade after.
I am just a traveler.
I think this everyday and my life becomes a journey.
Every little things of life, every sadness and every joy comes to me in a grand form free of its disillusion.
I AM MORTAL that is what I say to myself.
And to be awakened means to realize about your own mortality.
Most people are not. They think they are here for forever.
They think they will go to heaven.
I do not know the heaven and god's altar.
I know my heart is pure and there lies the heaven.
Steve jobs said "everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die"
but death is inevitable.
And perhaps heaven and hell is your choice.
The next day, I asked to my Google assistant "WHAT IS LOVE?"
The machine replied "LOVE IS A CHOICE."
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DEFINATOPN GIVEN BY AN AI (artificial assistance.)
WHEN I KNOW FOR SURE I WILL DIE ONE DAY, I will not be greedy, I will not be as majority of people are.
Afterlife, I have no idea, I do not talk about the unknown as the religious gurus and others, I do not know what is true and what is not.
There are many facts and theories about death like:
 - There is heaven and hell, there is reincarnation , there is god. There is no return.
some even say after death you will reach to the place where you were before you were born.
Where was I before i was born? I said earlier, I have no idea. And nobody does have.
Despite of plethora of theories, when one dies the only thing we know for sure is that one die.
Not more than that, not less than that.
But, WHY IS THERE THIS FEAR OF DYING?
When Seneca was about to die, his wife and children were weeping.
then he spoke the profound words" why to weep on the parts of life?" to him death was not the opposite and end of life but a part of it.
Every time I think of this and try to imagine beyond death, I do not understand "for such a limited and short amount of time - why I am in this existence."
That, Is life is all about to figure out the things we want to do?"
The world shouts and teaches meaning of life and purpose of life.
Our purpose in this world is to be another brick in the wall. We have to be part of this society and this community, a religion a nation a race and so on…
but, I look at myself from this grounded perception, i feel i do not want to be another brick in the wall.
I have a lot of dissatisfaction from my life.
I have lot of confusions.
And I read, driven from my confusions,
I read to find out the answer of my queries and questions.
I read to figure out what is the meaning of meaning of life. i read to figure out how to life and this has been my purpose,
not to be another brick in the wall, but to be something more. like a guy"michel foucalt said his purpose was to be window. my purpose which I set for me is to be door in this wall of life, to get myself and others to the other side of life.
But who cares what this philosopher said?
Fuck !
A death philosopher can never smoothen and calm down a living soul!
A word written in a book and paper will never awaken knowledge in us.
A life driven by fear will never be life.
Life is all about experiences you have and what you feel and what you felt and what you remembered and what you cannot forget.
Life is this moment, experiencing self and remembering self.
I don't want to come into conclusion these days, coming into conclusions is like taking a side.
I have no sides.
The only thing I know is that life is for living.
Thus I have a question for you as a gift,
The question is very simple, when was the last time you slept on grass and looked in the sky?
When the last time you touched the water and breathed the air?
When was the last time you became so happy!!
Well now, I just did this a moment ago. I now, have positive attitude towards life.
I am now happy with myself. Now I am improving my health.
Now I am being content with life.
I feel purpose.
Thank you!!
My plane lands safely,
I am Alive!