Best Way to Boost Your Confidence? Prove Your Worth.

I love it when people underestimate me.

A great example of this occurred when I first met the guide for a week long tour of the Peruvian Amazon.
Our group was comprised of a young French couple- Yuri and Marine, (Yuri was training to become a guide himself) Yuri’s parents, myself and the local guide.

I can admit that I was unusually unprepared for this journey through the jungle due to a couple scenarios, but mostly because I could only fit so many items in my bag.

You see in back in August, I flew to Lima from Florida, the place where the sun shines and shorts are a necessity. I landed in Lima to discover it wasn’t as warm and sunny as I’d imagined, in fact it was depressingly gloomy it took me about 5 minutes to realize that the one pair of pants that I packed would be my staple item of clothing for this entire trip.
Nothing wrong with wearing one pair of pants for 2.5 weeks right?

After a few days I flew to Cusco where the sun was plenty yet it was teeth chattering…ly cold, as it often is when you visit mountain towns.
Then I paid a visit to the gorgeous Sacred Valley and Aguas Calientes to hike up to Machu Picchu. Only 12 hours after I returned to Cusco, I found myself crammed into a van traveling deep into the Amazon with a group of 4 Frenchies.

The rate that I found myself traveling through different climate zones was enough to make my head spin, it was spinning so fast that I forgot to think about what I would need in the jungle.

For those of you unaware of what you should bring for a week in the jungle here’s a list:

1. BUG SPRAY BUG SPRAY BUG SPRAY- (Or if you’re like me and prefer the natural route- take a bottle of citronella oil.)
2. Dark colored long sleeve shirts and pants that are breathable- to further ensure no bugs can get to you- I learned they love white and bright colored clothing ;)
3. Water bottle
4. Lots of extra socks
5. Towel for all of your sweat
6. Some sort of remedy for the bug bites you are destined to receive
7. A wash cloth to properly scrub away the dirt and sweat that accumulates from days of walking through the dense, humid forest.

I managed to have my own water bottle and that’s about it. The only long sleeved shirt I had was white with a great Steem logo on it. :)
I had one pair of long pants and one pair of cropped jeans- they left just enough of my flesh showing between the jeans and my socks to allow for a whole lot of biting flies to get their fill of my blood. I had a nice pair of jogging shorts that I would have loved to have worn in that hot and humid environment, but the thought of exposing my bare legs to those vampire bugs and having even more bright red itching bites covering my legs was enough for me to suck it up and step into the dirty, damp jeans I’d worn the day before.

I’m already getting ahead of myself.

Let’s go back to the first evening of the trip. After driving for a solid 12 hours we arrived at the first shelter- this is where we met the guide for the first time.

To be fair, I absolutely looked like a tourist- a tourist who was totally unfit to survive in the jungle (or so he thought). Everyone else in the group had their jungle gear on and I was in jeans and a t-shirt.
Everyone around the table was coupled up, Yuri with Marine and then his parents. They were all deep in French conversations while I remember sitting across from Marcel as he began by explaining to me that we will be doing a lot of hiking. (Cool! I like hiking.) Then he said, if we’re in the middle of a hike and I want to return to camp, that I should try to stick it out and not ruin the trip for the rest of the group. (Umm… ok, that shouldn’t be a problem.) He added that we will see insects in the jungle, and I should try my best not to shriek and run away if I see a spider. (Ok, that might be a legitimate warning, but I’m totally capable of keeping my composure.)
Through this entire one-sided conversation I just kept nodding and smiling, doing my best to convince him that I can handle it.
I left that dinner knowing that his first impression of me was not ideal.

I smiled at the thought of being able to prove myself.

He didn’t know me, he just saw a blonde American girl out of her comfort zone, he probably thought I was regretting the trip the second I boarded the van. What he didn’t know was that this is the trip I was most looking forward to during my entire stay in Peru.

The first full day included a 5 hour boat ride down the Madre De Dios river, a 30 minute hike carrying our heavy bags, and a night time hike in the jungle to see all of the active nocturnal insects and animals.

I have to admit that initially I assumed the thought of walking through a giant spider web or the sight of a big bright colored, long-legged, beady-eyed spider would cause me to have a minor freak out, but I found myself almost mesmerized by their intricate designs and markings.

It wasn’t until that next day that I was able to truly prove my strengths.

During our hike Marcel told us of a tragic event that took place a couple years back when a guide failed to show his group what to do if they heard a pack of wild boars approaching and there were extensive injuries from the boars viciously attacking with their tusks.

He first showed us how to identify a sturdy vine and how to climb it. After he made his way back down, Yuri took his turn. After the expert and his apprentice showed off what they could do, Marcel was quick to call me out and even kindly offered to record the whole thing- that cheeky b* st* rd..
Boy oh boy was I happy that I began each day at the gym with a round of pull-ups. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to climb the vine. And by the looks of the faces of the group, so were they.

It’s funny when you know someone has misjudged you and you can see how they treat you differently after you prove yourself “worthy”.

On the last day in the jungle, after we showered off and before dinner was ready, we went to gather firewood. When I say “gather firewood” I mean chop down a dead tree and hack it to pieces until it’s suitable for a bonfire.

Since it was our last day we popped open the only bottle of wine and I sipped it slowly while giggling under my breath watching the trainee try to split the logs.

I’ve never felt particularly proud to grow up in a part of the U.S. that’s identified as hillbilly territory until this very moment. I watched as they swung that axe over and over and watching it bounce off the log like it was petrified wood.

Since I made such a great impression when I climbed the vine, they half-jokingly called me over to properly get the job done. So I just smiled and confidently took the axe, lined up the log, swung the axe over my head, letting my hands come together at the end of the handle and forced the axe down with all my strength. Bingo! One log done, 10 more to go. After I was done putting on a clinic, I passed the axe back to the stunned looking Marcel and returned to my seat and cup-o-wine.

I could see Marcel formulating in his head how he could manage to get to know me better with the short time we had left.
Yuri brought a portable speaker and we were listening to Sting’s Englishman in New York. Marcel asked me what kind of music I liked and I said “pretty much anything from the 80’s” He then encouraged me to play something that I had on my phone, I figured everyone likes Talking Heads so I chose Take Me to the River and was glad that he suggested that I play my music.

I closed my eyes and felt the heat of the campfire and the sounds of my favorite band and I was happy.

When I opened my eyes I saw him looking at me all dough-eyed and wishful, oh no, no, no. I’m not sure what he’s thinking but I am not on the same page… so I stood up and excused myself for the night and locked the door of my cabin.

The following day was an early one filled with traveling. I finally arrived back in Cusco around 10pm and took a hot shower for the first time in 6 days. I almost gagged at the color of the water that was washing over me, and I was just plain amazed at the size of my ankles. I wasn’t sure if they were swollen from being in a sitting position for 16 hours or from the bug bites that were concentrated on the area. I kept pushing my fingers into the soft spot where my ankle bones should’ve been.

I still sometimes struggle with self-confidence but I came back from that adventure feeling damn proud of myself.

Only a couple of years ago it was hard for me to feel proud. I used to always doubt my abilities, always figured there were so many others out there who were better suited for the job, or who were smarter, stronger, funnier… etc. I always had this incredibly irrational and degrading voice in my head telling me to second guess myself in everything, what I did, what I said, how I acted and how I looked.

My friends would always say they liked me better after a drink or two, because “the real”
Heidi came out. It took me way too long to realize that the alcohol was subduing my inner monologue, it made my dense filter disappear.
That’s when I was able to identify the negative thoughts and instead flood my head with encouragement.

Of course no one is perfect and I still struggle with it, but you’ve got to love yourself! It sounds mushy but it’s the only way to feel happy in your own skin and feel proud of who you are.

Thanks for reading and until next time- Keep Steeming my friends!