Something Diabolic This Way Comes

I arrived with this permanent idea in my mind but my unrealistic expectations only lead to a serious disappointment. I told you this trip is not really only about fun. First, I was shocked by the massive changes. A couple of days have passed and I still can't get over it. I've been drinking and thinking a lot lately. I probably feel this way because it's all going to affect my whole plan big time. I want to convince myself that this is part of the whole challenge. I was still trapped in the past, still living in this fantasy of how things should always be. Now I find it hard to accept things that I can't change anymore. Accepting what you don't like is probably one of the most difficult aspects of life.

I haven't really experienced full control, there was no parental guidance or anything like that in my life. I just do whatever I want to do. I like being in control of a situation, event, and my own life. I'm perfectly aware that I'm just a stubborn eccentric being who likes things to always go her way.

My friend asked me, how can you not see this coming? I didn't expect that this place will not be known or that people will not find out. It's not that I don't want people to come, I just don't want everyone. A special place should not be for everyone, that's the thing. But it's all about money now. I feel like it's easier to blame the ones who take the money than the ones who dangle it.

I got drunk and some character from Norway suddenly appeared begging for a cigarette. We surely don't mind giving free stuff but my blood boiled when then he started talking about his BS stuff and special rockstar demands. Unfortunately, he chose a perfect match. You know I don't have patience with this type so I no longer waste my time. But I did, my alcohol level told me to put him back in his place. I'm afraid that in this day and age, my mind is no longer wide open and I have come to know what I like and don't like anymore. I might deal with more of them in the future and I might not be able to completely control my reactions. People have changed too. They have either become better or worse. I should see them as they are I know, but it is easier to read Buddha books than apply the teachings. It turned out, I'm only allowing things to happen. I bring the worst out in people and I become the worst version of myself.

There are certainly big adjustments to be made. It is challenging because I have this idea in my head that this place will forever be the same. Pristine, empty and all the natural beauty. Commercial establishments, bars, and hotels are now mushrooming around the beaches. And all the trash as a result of commercialization and foreigners' invasion. There is nothing I can do about the increasing number of the really annoying backpacker-type of travelers. Deep down, I only want people to get what they deserve.

I wish things have stayed the same, I finally told my friend. All I can do now is to face it and accept things beyond my control. At some point, I have to let go in order to move forward. Even if it means doing a complete plan overhaul and think about what's going to be the best for me and the people around here. How can I help myself and others? How can I explain to them that this is not ok anymore? But I still need to keep my emotions in check in order to make a more conscious decision.

The feeling is not the same as being here the whole time and watching everything gradually changes right before your eyes. I should not have been attached to these false ideas. But something worst can be a fundamental part of my own personal growth. Perhaps this is the time to explore the opportunities and possibilities that may come out of it.