Happy New Year my eyes

Happy New Year my eyes

Nothing is the end of the world.

And still, recently getting up for work in the morning feels like the end of the world.

No, there is no monster there. Maybe a sour face here and there, maybe tasks I do not like, but it's all tolerable.

I've written a lot here about working for me as something marginal and my biggest project is finding love.

Somehow I got to the point where I was fighting on all fronts. The heart flies in all directions.

So there is a goal, there are goals, there are lists and there is even prioritization. Patience, too.

And still, this morning. Even if I run it. Even if it rains. Even if blooming. Even if the birds are chirping.

I hate him.

I know I'm lucky not to have fixed my eyes all night. I was not on duty, which took 30 hours instead of 26. If I had children, I would have read them a bedtime story and sandwiches with what they love for lunch. And yet I hate the morning.

My morning is meaningless.

It's amazing how people who come into your life and try to conquer your heart manage to trample and hurt and condescend and ask questions and shake your world. Maybe it's me who is too sensitive. I just can not peel away the feeling of emptiness and "I'm not good enough" just because I have not sold my soul to medicine. Maybe I should have.

My morning would have been different if I had been studying medicine in Italy or Hungary instead of computer science. I would grind rosters and a bone sawmill and help people walk, write, nod. I chose not because it was my priority. And the truth? Even if I were now an intern, the project was the same project - a house.

Tomorrow morning I will get up and the first thing that will pass through my thoughts is that this person, who is still on duty, does not sleep all night and does not know when it will end. Even though I had erased it from my life. The reasons will be mainly because it is engraved in my heart and that deep inside I wish I was like him - gives a lot to the universe and gives a schedule for those who want to spend a few hours with me.

But then I'll go through my thoughts and remember that I can not live with a person who has not slept with me on three nights of the week, who will require me to sacrifice things that are important to me to synchronize with. I will take this direction, to do good, and I will look for a new job, in the field of medical devices.

The only thing is the intellectual challenge. I'll have to go through a whole bunch of dates with stupid people who do not know how to choose their profession. They're "deep" questions for them, who have a million jobs but live with their parents, Their are not clearly related.

Ah, stupid statistics, always against me. At least knowing that I have nothing to lose because I'm already losing, pushing me forward.

I'll win in the end. Also the statistics. Even loneliness. The emptiness, too.

I'm sorry I gave up on you, but you left me no choice.

Noo Mor Glaucoma for me.