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RE: Terrors from the Subconscious
More details dialogue is one way to go. Also set the scene first and then begin the narrative. Have your character do things in everyday life that tells us more about him. Just some suggestions.
If you're willing and you are an editor, I'd love to set up put this piece into google docs and work on making this piece better than it is. I'm willing to get us SBI for your time. If this interests you, send me your email here or PM through discord under tristancarax.
Alas ... so busy right now. But I can recommend the website writerscafe. They often have writers who are looking for exchange type things. It was a great place to do some workshopping back in the day:)