Sober Reflection

There comes a time in a man's life that he may begin to question his existence.

Not that he doubted his existence but he probably didn't pay much attention to the life he had.

Today, I choose to have some sober reflection on life and think back on my life.

So this post is basically me talking about the me I am and the me I'd love and work towards being.

I am a loner, an introvert offline (except I'm very comfortable with you) and an extrovert online.

I basically like being on the online space because that's my comfort zone.

Before I ever heard of Steemit, Facebook was my solace.
I had a great online presence on the Facebook Space that I built well over time.

I don't know if it's my phobia for meeting people that makes me stay at home most times.

I've had several opportunities to explore the offline world and most times, I just jilt them.

I have a lot of friends.....
So many friends on the online space and even offline.

I'm a very down to earth person so it's very easy to get along with me.
Hence my having so many friends.

Having so many friends wasn't the problem but keeping them was.

I'm a kind of person who likes to have her space sometimes.

I love to feel loved but then sometimes, I may feel the love is choking me and all I want to do is get out.

I had a lot of friends but I lost many.

From secondary school, to University, to NYSC and all.... I lost most of them.

Not because I wanted to, but somehow because I didn't need love sometimes.

We all need love.

I've had fights with my Mom because she cared too much.
I even tell her never to call me when I'm not home.

I'm so cool with long distance relationships because I wouldn't feel choked which is why almost all my relationships, if not all have been long distanced.

Although I care, but I sometimes hold back from showing so simply because I do not want to be taken for granted.

For the most part of my life, I've been living with fear of rejection.
I fear that somehow, that person I care so much about will eventually leave me so I RUN.

I run away so I don't get hurt when it eventually happens.

I've been nice to so many people but got hurt and stabbed in the back so sometimes I'd rather not tell you how much I really cared.

I just realized I may have been hurting a lot of people.

When some friends call me, "I just tell them...." I'm busy, I'll call you back but I never even do"
So most times they give up on trying to reach out and I don't even care.

I have never in my entire life lost anyone close.
I lost my grand parents at a tender age so I never really knew them.

This is pretty much the first time I'd be losing a friend and it hurts me to the bones.

I just realized I haven't really been nice as I thought I was.

I cared only about myself, my happiness and that's just all.

But after the incident of losing a friend yesterday, I got to understand life is not only about self.

And so, I should try as much as possible to accept love from others and not feel choked.

I've been guilty.

I'd get messages from people and not reply until 4 days later.
Not really because I didn't see the message but because I didn't want to initiate a conversation with the person.

Life is so short.
You never know what will happen tomorrow.
So why not live life to the fullest, live peacefully and be happy with everyone.

No one is perfect and no one obviously deserves to be hated as the heavenly Father hates no one.

Today, I am reminding myself and the many others who may be guilty of holding back or hiding from love that we only have one life to live.

Make the best of it.

Cheers

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