I wanted to get a tattoo in 1992 when I was 22. I thought a small one on the inside of my ankle would be kind of cute! But, I had to keep up a professional appearance back then and tattoos were not so acceptable back in that day. At least not in my line of work...I was a staff tax accountant then in a super conservative office of CPAs. This was with a Big 6 firm (now they are down to the Big 4), a serious grown up job I had, and I had to look the part. I had bills to pay! I was the main bread winner for us back then. @sean-king and I had just graduated college, had just gotten married and He still had graduate school and law school  to finish. So I held back (never with Sean, but to the rest of the world), and played the part of a conservative CPA, and hid who I was...a more free spirited tattoo desirer. 

Years went by...I was busy with my career, my marriage, and then children came with a sudden onset of overwhelming motherhood responsibilities. 

My first borns were twins! 

spring of '97.  2 weeks before my twins were born.

Oh my gosh my babies were beautiful! Of course they were worth all of the trouble...absolutely, totally, would do it again for them. 🙏🏽 But, that pregnancy was a real physical trauma to my belly. Even when the twins were several years old I had stretch marks galore, gobs of excess skin remaining on my belly ("twin skin" it's called), and a pronounced pooch that no amount of weight loss or ab work would change. 

Here is a better look in the close up:

In addition to the severe twin skin my abdominal muscles had also become permanently separated due to my large pregnancy in a condition called diastasis recti. This condition is really well explained here by my friend @corinnestokes posts. 

ANYWAYS...point is that back then I was very uncomfortable letting anyone see my traumatized belly. I always kept it hidden in one-piece bathing suits, my shirts always tucked in, or at least wearing a tank top tucked in under a looser top shirt. I identified then very much with my body and I didn't want anyone to see how scarred it was. 

So I started hiding that...

Then I came up with a better solution. A tummy tuck. That way I could just restore my belly back closer to the way it was before my pregnancy and not have to hide it! The procedure worked really well in removing the excess skin and even stitching my deep abdominal muscles back together repairing the diastasis recti! But the surgery left a huge-freakin-mongous scar from hip bone to hip bone. 

Of course I knew this resulting scar was going to be the case going into the surgery. I still don't regret having the excess skin removed and the muscles stitched back together, but I didn't really want the scar to show.  Any guesses how I choose to deal with the scar? That's right...something new to hide! 

And let me tell you...I diligently kept that baby covered up! After the surgery I would at least allow myself wear a bikini, but I fastidiously kept the bottoms positioned JUST RIGHT all the time...to prevent the scar from ever showing. 

After a couple of years of hiding the scar I remembered my long desire for a tattoo.  Hell, why have a scar when you can permanently HIDE that with a tattoo?! And why just hide the scar when you can really make it beautiful and take the tattoo all the way around into a belt. So that's what I did. 

I decided to make the belt look like a string of symbols linked together and i wanted them to be personally meaningful. Humankind's desire to define the undefinable, religion, has long fascinated me. I love how, ultimately, many religions teach a similar underlying message...love one another, get over yourself, devote and serve something larger than yourself. Much like yoga. So, I used symbols that have religious meaning for the belt.  

My idea was essentially to become a real life "coexist" symbol.  

To complete my belt tattoo it took about 8 hours total, and I broke that up into 4 sessions. I was and am very pleased with the result. I find the art work beautiful and meaningful. And, it hid my scar! Yay! But, guess what I then wanted to hide...? Yes. The damn belt tattoo. 😳

Now I was beginning to become little more comfortable with myself at this point in my life. I would wear a bikini and let the tattoo show sometimes, and with some people. My family and closest friends knew about it. But in general, I hid the belt tattoo from the public eye and went back to keeping my shirts pulled down or tucked in. I usually wore long tank tops to yoga class to keep it from showing, and I'd tuck those in for inversions. 

Why did I hide the tattoo? Idk...I felt like it was just too much...something. Too flashy, to sexy, too controversial with all the various religious symbols. (I live in the southern US, y'all...) I think I was just also in the habit of thinking I had to have something to hide! 

You see my nature is to feel secure by staying small and out of sight. So all of these various things that I worked to deny or hide about myself over the years was towards maintaining that sense of safety and security. My ego protected itself with mantras like:

-Don't be different. 

-Don't stand out negatively or positively. 

-Stay quiet. 

-Keep your opinions to yourself. 

-Look cute/Smile and nod. 

-Be wary and careful of who you open up to and who you trust. 

Now that approach might be appropriate on occasion and in some scenarios, but as a general approach to life it is f**king stifling! 

Basically that way of living was coming from an unconscious belief that parts of me and my life were good or right, and parts of me and my life were bad or wrong. I was trying to hide the bad and show the good. 

After YEARS of struggling with that stifling and anxiety provoking way of living I had an epiphany a couple of years ago. I will write about what triggered this epiphany another time... but from it - EVERYTHING changed for me. I decided to dive deeply into introspection, to get to know myself better, to completely accept myself, and to stop hiding whoever I found myself to be. 

I saw there were no parts of me that were bad or wrong. Different maybe, but not bad or wrong. 

So, I no longer hide the tattoo that hides the scar that hid the surgery that hid the "twin skin". I do not purposely try to throw it in people's faces, but if my shirt lifts up and reveals it as I raise my arms to reach something overhead, so be it. If my tank top creeps up and shows it during yoga class, so be it. 

So be it all. 

me, happy, now.  all photo credits here go to @sean-king 

Me showing these pics here on Steemit is not an effort to "click bait" you. I'm not trying to show off. I'm just done hiding. Tattoos, scars, whatever...I'm done hiding my flaws or my gloriousness. This is just me practicing being okay with what is now. Embracing my isness...And I hope you can respect that the process of me becoming okay with allowing such things to show reflects the process of me becoming okay with myself.