Rude Ghost
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man

EXT. MIAMI BEACH - AFTERNOON

Energetic doctor MS JUAQUE MIOFF is arguing with loving actor SR JUAN AFOKME. JUAQUE tries to hug JUAN but he shakes her off.

JUAQUE
Please Juan, don't leave me.
JUAN
I'm sorry Juaque, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
JUAQUE
I am such a person!
JUAN frowns.

JUAN
I'm sorry, Juaque. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
JUAN leaves.

JUAQUE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, patient hairdresser MR LONG DONG barges in looking flustered.

JUAQUE
Goodness, Long! Is everything okay?
LONG
I'm afraid not.
JUAQUE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
LONG
It's ... a ghost ... I saw an evil ghost rob a bunch of babies!
JUAQUE
Defenseless babies?
LONG
Yes, defenseless babies!
JUAQUE
Bloomin' heck, Long! We've got to do something.
LONG
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
JUAQUE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
LONG
I was...
LONG fans himself and begins to wheeze.

JUAQUE
Focus Long, focus! Where did it happen?
LONG
A Library! That's right - A Library!
JUAQUE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

JUAQUE rushes along the street, followed by LONG. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER

ADOLF MAWEENY a rude ghost terrorises two babies.

JUAQUE, closely followed by LONG, rushes towards ADOLF, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

LONG
What is is? What's the matter?
JUAQUE
That's not just any old ghost, that's Adolf Maweeny!
LONG
Who's Adolf Maweeny?
JUAQUE
Who's Adolf Maweeny? Who's Adolf Maweeny? Only the most rude ghost in the universe!
LONG
Blinkin' knickers, Juaque! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most rude ghost in the universe!
JUAQUE
You can say that again.
LONG
Blinkin' knickers, Juaque! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most rude ghost in the universe!
JUAQUE
I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.
Adolf turns and sees Juaque and Long. He grins an evil grin.

ADOLF
Juaque Mioff, we meet again.
LONG
You've met?
JUAQUE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young JUAQUE is sitting in a park listening to some indie music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees ADOLF. She takes off her headphones.

ADOLF
Would you like some wine gums?
JUAQUE's eyes light up, but then he studies ADOLF more closely, and looks uneasy.

JUAQUE
I don't know, you look kind of rude.
ADOLF
Me? No. I'm not rude. I'm the least rude ghost in the world.
JUAQUE
Wait, you're a ghost?
JUAQUE runs away, screaming.

INT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY

ADOLF
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
LONG
(To JUAQUE) You ran away?
JUAQUE
(To LONG) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JUAQUE turns to ADOLF.

JUAQUE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JUAQUE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

JUAQUE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.
ADOLF
I'm not scared of you.
JUAQUE
You should be.

EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

JUAQUE and LONG walk around searching for something.

JUAQUE
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.
LONG
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.
JUAQUE
You know nothing Long Dong.
LONG
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ADOLF appears, holding a pair of spoons.

ADOLF
Looking for something?
LONG
Crikey, Juaque, he's got your spoons.
JUAQUE
Tell me something I don't already know!
LONG
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
JUAQUE
I know that already!
LONG
I bite my toenails.
ADOLF
(appalled) Dude!
While ADOLF is looking at LONG with disgust, JUAQUE lunges forward and grabs her deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.

JUAQUE
Prepare to die, you rude potato!
ADOLF
No please! All I did was rob a bunch of babies!
JUAN enters, unseen by any of the others.

JUAQUE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Juaque Mioff defender of innocent babies.
ADOLF
Don't hurt me! Please!
JUAQUE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!
ADOLF
Because Juaque, I am your father.
JUAQUE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

JUAQUE
No you're not!
ADOLF
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ADOLF tries to grab the spoons but JUAQUE dodges out of the way.

JUAQUE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ADOLF slumps to the ground.

LONG
Did he just faint?
JUAQUE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.
JUAQUE crouches over ADOLF's body.

LONG
Be careful, Juaque. It could be a trick.
JUAQUE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Adolf Maweeny is dead!
JUAQUE
What?
JUAQUE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
LONG claps his hands.

LONG
So your spoons did save the day, after all.
JUAN steps forward.

JUAN
Is it true? Did you kill the rude ghost?
JUAQUE
Juan how long have you been...?
JUAN puts his arm around JUAQUE.

JUAN
Long enough.
JUAQUE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Adolf Maweeny.
JUAN
Then the babies are safe?
JUAQUE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.

JUAN
You are their hero.
The babies bow to JUAQUE.

JUAQUE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Adolf Maweeny will never rob babies ever again, is enough for me.
JUAN
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the babies passes JUAQUE a healing bell

JUAN
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
JUAQUE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

JUAQUE
Well, if you insist.
JUAQUE takes the bell.

JUAQUE
Thank you.
The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.

JUAQUE turns to JUAN.

JUAQUE
Does this mean you want me back?
JUAN
Oh, Juaque, of course I want you back!
JUAQUE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

JUAQUE
Well you can't have me.
JUAN
WHAT?
JUAQUE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a ghost to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
JUAN
But...
JUAQUE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Long.
LONG grins.

JUAN
But...
LONG
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
JUAN
Juaque?
JUAQUE
I'm sorry Juan, but I think you should skidaddle.
JUAN leaves.

LONG turns to JUAQUE.

LONG
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
JUAQUE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly LONG stops.

LONG
When I said I bite my toenails, you know I was just trying to distract the ghost don't you?
THE END

Thanks for reading,
The Invisible Man
@theinvisibleman