A Reason to Live - Ana is Nearing The Final Thoughts of Suicide as Her Way Out.
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I'm nobody special.... For real.
I wear my hair the same way every day that anyone who has known me for some time now would assume that nothing extravagant would come out of me. There are no love letters in my locker, no matter the secret admirers. For someone as simple or plain as I, I have no longer hoped for something romantic to happen in the future. I'm not bitter.
I'm not bitter that my name is as simple as two syllables: Ana.
Leave the mouth easily, right? No special pronunciation is needed, there are no guttural sounds to create an accent to embellish the way it is said. Just Ana, thank you. I do not complain that my name is used often; Because it really is not. Many simply assume that it is because it sounds very clear. I'm sorry, but that's not the case. That's why Ana is ironically a rare name.
I have made my peace with the simplicity that I represent.
Also, I have no hobby as interesting as the students in room 408 in my high school. They have passion, I can tell, because of the way their brushes work seamlessly through the canvas that art masters have provided. All I can do is knit, but please do not assume that I do not enjoy it just because it's not as interesting as the Sarah-from-room-408 drawing. I really enjoy knitting. I anonymously wove sweaters for my school. One of my teachers found me in the cafeteria and got my thoughts and I came up with a question. She asked me if I was interested in doing something that a person could use, and participate in the fundraiser for the school basketball team. As she said, they needed money for uniforms. I told him that not many people in that school liked me very much and all he told me was that it did not make sense. "Everyone always likes others," he said.
And stupid, I believed him, and so I agreed ... on one condition. She looked at me and sighed. "Please do not tell anyone I made them. They will not buy it any other way." I told him to take credit. She agreed, and that was the beginning of my new motivation to go to school. Soon, I could make six sweaters for a woman's size. To my surprise, many of our cheerleaders were eager to buy them, and at such a high cost too. The principal price of the school for all my work was twenty-five dollars apiece. Due to the scarcity of the sweaters (after all, I could not do too many in a week by myself), some girls fought for it. Until the highest bidder won and bought them. My teacher was ecstatic and found an empty classroom one day, where she kept me so I could knit alone, as I asked. She allowed it only after school, though. Since sweaters caused so much noise during school hours, sales had changed to after school.
Inside, of course, he was proud. Of course I was happy that those beautiful girls bought something that my own hands had made ... but the sadness lingered every time I realized that the school probably would not make money if someone knew that it was me who made them. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you ... My hands are cursed. Nobody touches anything I touched because everyone thinks I'm just too bored or dirty to contain talent. However, now the cheerleaders used them with pride as if it were the new fashion.
I know my hair always covers my face, especially since I always look at the ground; No one liked making eye contact with me. I just tie it in a bun or ponytail when I'm working hard with my point at home or just in the classroom. I can not afford to risk needle accidents because this slows my progress.
I know I've joked and talking on the fabric, but the last thing you should know is that, since increased so much money, school staff decided to keep the fundraiser throughout the year. I was fine with her since I did not have much to do at school or at home, anyway. So everyone agreed with my condition and allowed my teacher to receive credit.
Sometimes during that year, I have had the same amount of people mock me as much as the number of people wearing my sweaters. It did not end there.
Some of the employees asked me if I would like to help sell during the hours after school since I am the original creator. I was sure there would be no harm in that, so I agreed. But it was not up to my expectations when some freshmen and sophomores laughed to see me holding one of the products. They turned their heads and asked for another sweater. I think it was the time when the staff finally realized why I did what I did anonymously. After seeing that, I asked him casually if he could stop me. None of them asked why, but thanked me for my help.
Sometimes, when I got home, I would like to know the many reasons I was hated. Maybe it was the fact that my outfit was always so gray ... I never had specific issues on my shirt and pants, but if he did, no one had heard of the brand. So maybe it was because I was quiet in class? Did he never raise my hand? I try, I really do, but sometimes there was simply too much risk in raising my hand. It was either spoke, answered correctly and become a contentious issue on the girl who never speaks, but now does, or not raise your hand and we all wonder if I was stupid enough to never raise my hand at all.
I guess it was!!
A very controversial subject.
One of my biggest problems was this guy. A major on the basketball team. Yeah, that guy that every girl faints for when she does not do anything but just walk down the aisle with her basketball buddies. I hate them. Especially the one who always stayed in the middle of the group. If you've ever been to my school, you'd faint too. Everyone may be unpleasant, but I can not deny how handsome they were.
All right. I suppose it would only be fair to give you an example of how unpleasant one of them is.
One day, the day before Valentine's Day, I went to my locker and sighed at the misery that surely face that day. Everyone had a special person to give them chocolate in the meantime all I was scheduled to do was my kind of private tissue after school. But I will never forget how wide my eyes must be when I opened my locker and saw that there was a small, simple heart-shaped box inside! I still could not be sure if someone was joking or not, so I tried to keep my excitement as cautiously opened the box and inside were four pieces of chocolate. My heart skipped a beat as I saw a small piece of paper on the side of one of the chocolates. I got up and started reading. No, I'll never forget what he said ...
You are as simple and sweet as these chocolates.
Of course, if you were ever in this circumstance, how could you stop looking as fast as you can right after reading a note like that? Holding the box in my hand, I anxiously moved my body ... I was face to face with him.
"Oh," Guji said with a wicked grin. "So even someone as misunderstood as you deserve to get some chocolates from time to time, huh?"
I did not dare say a word and I'm sure I must have looked as stupid as I did, clinging to that box with a petrified look on my face; Guji was quite tall so I know he looked like a mouse compared to his height. So ... he took a bite of the four chocolates and frowned, I'm assuming, in taste and one by one, he threw them on the floor and stepped on it. One by one.
Yes, I have hated Guji ever since. Who would not? Keep in mind that you are trying to imagine yourself in my shoes. What do you think happened after that? Nothing, absolutely nothing. No one asked me if I was okay. No one cared to look at me a second time after Guji stopped seeing me. I could not move. Imagine that you can not move.
One of Guji's friends started to laugh, but all I heard Guji say was that he shut up. Did he think he was ultimately on top of everyone else? It was not. It was not. "You are not!
"I yelled and ran to the other end of the aisle opposite where those idiots were walking and tried to hold back tears and fury.
And for three weeks in a row, there were no sweaters made, no sweaters sold. And it was then that I knew that I was not even allowed to breathe the same air as them, and I could not take it anymore. It was bad not to have any partners, but someone's lack of understanding was worse. My own mother could not understand why she was so caught up in knitting all the time. When I tell her it was my hobby, she tells me to take a new one that was less quiet and lonely. When I say nothing, she complains to Dad that "there is something wrong with that child."
Not Mom. There is nothing wrong with this child.
I just needed someone to understand. Maybe with my final decision, many will understand through my silence that this was the only time I really wanted to get there.
Making my way up to the fifth floor, the roof of the school, I wiped the last tears from my eyes before opening the metal door. The sun was blinding at first, but someone suddenly stood in front of me and blocked it.
-Ana? Guji asked uncertainly. But I was not there to talk to him.
"Out of my way, Guji." Passing past him, I headed for the cemented edge of the balcony.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?"
"I swear, Guji, you better stay away from me." I looked at him with growing anger. It was as if second wasting second look at him made him more angry. I knew I did.
He tried to approach me, but cautiously in his footsteps. He never broke eye contact. Ana, wait. What are you doing up there ... please come down here? "
"You're disgusting," I told him as my hair flew around my face but even with that, I saw his face wrinkle with embarrassment. "I did not even know who the box was ... What if it was for someone else and it was accidentally put in my locker?"
"I-I'm ..."
"You could have ruined someone else's Valentine's Day gift!" How could you do such a thing? "I was crying then, but it did not matter.That was the end, and I refused to keep quiet about it.I sniffed and moved on." Now I know it must have really been a mistake for the box to end there. Nobody cared if he got a box of chocolates or not ... but why did you do that? I'll never know, and you'll never mind. You're disgusting, Guji, and that's all you'll be. So do not confuse these tears with sadness because I am not. I'm glad I finally got to say what I've wanted all this time. "
"Ana, this is not ..."
"You do not know anything about me! Nothing!"
With no further interruptions on my part, he shouted. "I'm sorry I threw your chocolates on the floor I'm sorry I only did it because I knew you'd never be willing to take a gift like that from someone like me I know you hate me and I know you'll always hate me, but please, please Please, do not jump ... I'm sorry. "I was out of breath and I think I was too. Then he added, "I love you very much. I just ..." - he shrugged shamefully - "I did not know how to show it."
I do not know why I kept hearing what he had to say, but whatever his words were made of - be it insults or onions - did not stop the tears from coming.
"I've seen how beautiful you are when you have straight hair and you're just knitting in that empty classroom," he hesitated, "but I've always looked around every time before I put myself into practice. I know what you like and what not.If drawing your attention meant that I stepped on the chocolates I bought you, then I would.I worked, but I ... I did not know you were so far from the edge, I swear, I did not know, Ana. I would have stopped long ago if you would only say something from time to time. "
"Get away from me, Guji." The words themselves were much tougher than the actual tone in which I said it.
"Okay, but if you jump I'm jumping too!"
"No, you will not," he teased. He was the award winning player of the basketball team and I know Guji loved his place there, too. Why did I go so far, if this was a joke, only to hurt me?
He smiled faintly. You will not know. You'll be dead before my head hits the ground. Her hair blew in the wind as well, but not once did she break that eye contact. He never did. Everything around me reminded me every time Guji had bothered me, and judging by them I would still think that I hated myself to this day. But in case you do not ...
"Guji ... please tell me you're not joking," I sobbed, brushing my hair away from my face. "Because if you are, I think it would be my last blow on you. I'm so tired ... please tell me you're not joking."
"Shh," he huddled as he held out a hand for me to take. "Get out of there so we can talk, okay?"
It's very unimportant how the story ends between Guji and me. But no matter how it ended, I will never forget the feeling of simplicity that slipped from my body as I took her hand and circled her embrace. I will never forget how my name used to be simple, but if you say it in its entirety, revive the beauty in which my parents named me.
Source/Credits:
Silentaffections
tldr, but keep posting