This has the making of an intruiging story - well done! Some nice descriptions throughout. Saying that, there are quite a few small grammatical errors that disrupt the flow. Also, I think you could do more to differentiate the voices of each character - make them come alive a bit more, and make the speech feel more natural.

I wold suggest reading out loud the story in one go before publishing - it might highlight some of the parts that dont 'flow'.

If u want any more advice (im a proofreader and aspiring writer), feel free to ask!