THE VILLAGE : Part 37 - Eating Into Valuable Baconation Time. (Registered Trademark)

This is St Columb Major, not to be confused with either St Columb Minor or St Columb Road. This picture perfectly illustrates the fact that the Church of England knows what it's doing. Every church they have in Cornwall is right next door to a public house. What's even more amazing is that most of these churches were built hundreds of years before the pubs existed. Now that's miraculous. How did they know exactly where to build those churches? It's a mystery.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Geograph.org.uk)

"Why do you hate me so much?"
The question came out of the blue. Michael looked up from his breakfast for the first time and gave Luke a long measuring stare.
"I'm eating bacon at the moment. When I'm eating bacon I am completely incapable of hating anyone. My love of bacon precludes hate from my lexicon. The only person I could currently hate would be someone stupid enough to prevent me from eating bacon. If anyone were stupid enough to prevent me from baconating, a word I've just invented, my wrath would descend upon them like the Old Testament God you're so fond of. Now did your God hate all those people he slaughtered? I think you'll find he didn't. He committed regular genocide out of love and kindness."
Luke didn't look convinced.
"It feels like hate from my end."
"That's easily explained. You see I loathe and despise you. And when you live in the same house that can look like hate. What you have to do is take a step back and view it from a distance. Now where is my rent money?"
Luke looked guilty. This might be fun.
"I'm a bit short this month."
"No you aren't. You're the same height as you were last month."
"You know what I mean." Luke insisted.
"Do I? Yet again you're projecting. Like with your unjustifiable accusation that I hate you. That little religitarded brain of yours has assumed I understand you when I don't. How much are you "short". Michael did the air quotes.
"About half."
"You know this is going into my little black book don't you."
"Yes. Huh.. how much do I owe you now?"
His landlord looked surprised.
"That's the first time you've asked. Are you sure you want to know? Compound interest has accrued to a phenomenal extent. You've got a very substantial amount of unsecured debt. Such that I'd say you desperately need to produce at least a dozen more children for organ harvesting. So do you still think you'd like to know how much you owe me? How much you've imposed on both my hospitality and good will."
"Good will?"
"Look, you're still breathing and that's taken a lot of restraint on my part."
"I'd like to know please."
Michael brought out his little black book then flipped it open. He entered the latest shortfall and started adding up.
"As of the close of business today you owe me 177, 156 British pounds."
Luke went pale. Michael was right this was fun.
"What? That doesn't seem possible."
"Well it is. It's all down here in black and white." He tapped his black note pad. "It's the compound interest my boy. You can't go month after month not paying your rent and expect the debt to decrease. Ten percent interest per month on all outstanding arrears. That adds up to 313 percent per annum. I've got no sympathy for you Luke. You knew all this the day you signed your contract with me. I can fetch it if you like. It's all there in black and white."
"Actually the contract was in red ink. You made me sign it in blood after I'd sworn on the Bible."
Michael's face took on a look of wistful nostalgia.
"I did didn't I. Happy days. Imagine how much bacon I can buy with all that money. Your destitution will not have been in vain. A lot of pigs will die, but it's their own fault for tasting delicious. Now can I get back to baconating? Bearing in mind the penalty for prevention of baconating. I'm going to copyright that I think."
"Why do you loathe and despise me?"
"You see that's why I'm grateful for that contract I made you sign. You're full of questions aren't you. Why do you keep hitting me? Where are all my shoes? Could you please stop hitting me? Question after question eating into valuable baconation time. That's mine as well. What you should be asking of yourself is; why can't I afford to pay my rent?"
Luke looked so crestfallen Michael almost felt sorry for him.
"Since Sophie started working with you I've lost all those hours. They said they're going to try to make them up again but it's over 15 hours a week I'm losing right now. And I'm behind on child support payments as well."
"Nobody to blame but yourself I'm afraid. If you couldn't afford a child you shouldn't have had one. Here's an idea, those payments are purely voluntary on your part. Stop paying child support and start paying your rent in full."
There was no stopping his lodger today though.
"Is it my faith that annoys you?"
Michael deliberately stuffed all his bacon into his mouth. A prolonged chew and swallow followed, before he answered.
"I couldn't give a flying fuck about your faith. You can believe whatever you want. But fuck it, let me elucidate what it is that annoys me about you."

To understand Luke you needed to know about The Falmouth Bretheren. A Christian sect which had come into being in the 17th Century following the revelations of the Lord, to Alice Pencarrow of Falmouth. They were a very strict branch of Christianity, holding that it was improper for men and women to freely associate. The sect lived in large communal houses which had male and female dormitories. Men and women even had different doors they entered the dining room through. Theoretically you could only marry someone who was also a member of the Falmouth Bretheren. When you married you still kept to the unisex accommodations but could occupy a marital bed for a night as long as you applied well in advance. There'd been a schism in the early 18th Century when a lot of the bretheren had moved to Looe. This was two towns that had grown into one. East Looe on one side of the river and West Looe on the other. Here it was that the breakaway sect set itself up. They then refined the idea of communal living and separation of the sexes. The men lived on the east bank. The women on the west. Each in their own house. Michael was unsure what the marital arrangements were during this period and didn't particularly give a fuck. Currently, in the modern era, the unmarried stayed in the unisex houses. Whereas married couples could dwell together in their own homes. Returning only for worship and all the other rigmarole of belonging to a sect.

Recently however there had been a further split. This was along gender lines mainly. You see they had this custom of calling each other Brother or Sister. Brother Luke would address his wife as Sister Rachel for example. A large number of the ladies, who had now gone out in the world and seen how actual people lived, had become far more liberal in their interpretations of the Revelations of Alice Pencarrow. They deemed it unnecessary for them to use the honorific outside the confines of their headquarters, so to speak. The others, mainly men, disagreed. There was a standoff. Some of the females had been excommunicated for pushing things too far and promoting the view that they should modernize and perhaps even open their membership up to anyone who was stupid enough to believe all this shit. Even if they were gay. Luke's parents were both in the conservative camp. His wife Rachel's were in the other. By this point in his explanation, Michael had become extremely animated. Using his knife to punctuate and emphasize each word or phrase.

"So you see, I look at you and what do I see? A man with a beautiful, kind and gentle wife. By some fucking miracle you've produced a wonderful child. Both of them love you as much as you obviously love them, but you're stuck in my house because she won't call you Brother Luke? Are you fucking insane? It's well past the time when you should get your head out of your ass and take a look at how ridiculous this shit is. Have you any idea how lucky you are? You dumb prick. Because of you and this stupid bullshit you're missing your own daughter growing up. So what if your parents disown you. Fuck 'em. If they can't abide you not saying Sister Rachel then they aren't worth a shit to anyone let alone you. Now do you understand my loathing?"
Luke was blinking rapidly.
"Yes. Thank you for explaining but it's not as easy as you think. Faith is very important to me. There is one more thing though. I couldn't help noticing that you haven't been hitting me lately. The insults and practical jokes have stopped. Is it something else I've done wrong?"
"Oh for fuck sake. No. I've been very busy recently. I haven't had the time to come up with ways to injure and inconvenience you. Once the rush peters out normal service will be resumed. Satisfied?"
"I'm a bit worried about all that money I owe you."
"Don't be. If I owed someone nearly 200K they'd be the ones worrying about it. So don't be concerned about that money. I'm shitting myself enough for both of us."
"But how will I ever be able to pay it back?"
"That's easy. Take out a large life insurance policy then kill yourself and make it look like an accident. Everybody's happy. Besides I lied. It's not that much. I multiplied the total by ten. So you only owe me about eighteen thousand. I expect you feel a bit better now. Don't say I never do anything nice for you. Oh and as for your faith being very important to you, my cock is very important to me, but I don't let it do my thinking or make any decisions. Not anymore I don't. That was a lesson learned. Eventually."