THE VILLAGE : Part 36 - Is She Alright for Creams and Ointments?

This is a still from the movie The Wizard of Oz, in which the 16 year old Judy Garland played the role of 11 year old Dorothy. She's wearing lipstick!!! Just goes to show how sick and twisted Hollywood is. They thought it was appropriate for a pubescent pre-teen to wear a sexy red lipstick. The wonderful thing is that Hollywood is still the same as it's always been, full of sexual predators and pedophiles, they've just got better at covering it up.

(This picture is courtesy of Men in Grey. Not sure they hold the rights to it though.)

He could have looked on this as another of those once in a life time experiences, like eating poison mushrooms or sex. Instead Michael was far too busy thinking of all the reasons he shouldn't be here. Here was at Doogie and Doidge's residence. Three interconnected mobile homes, in a big field, abstracting their water and electricity from someone else. Doubtless the boys had heard of bills, but they'd never got around to paying one. He was hard pressed to think of anyone more unsuitable for the mission he'd been given. Help Doidge overcome his inability to communicate with Stephanie, then contrive to bring them together in a match made in heaven. He'd let himself in. The doors were never locked. Not out of trust though. If you stole something from these men, they'd very swiftly track you down and remove everything you owned, in a truck. They'd quite probably do it in broad daylight and with the help of a few passersby. It was their nature. Playing cupid wasn't natural for Michael though.

Sophie had kept to her word for an entire week. Therefore Michael, in order to hold up his end of the bargain, had to deal with Doidge in this delicate matter. Again delicacy was not in Michael's vocabulary. If pushed by circumstance he could be diplomatic in short bursts. This was different. According to his Beautiful Assistant this was the ideal time to begin the operation. Sophie was now indeed his Beautiful Assistant. Ever since she'd had the badge's made. His read "Overlord", less whimsical perhaps but definitely far more inaccurate. There was a bit of him that liked it, though he'd never admit this to anyone. So here he was waiting in a mobile home. Doogie and Darcy were attending the full dress military function. It would last all day and well into the night. Doidge would be alone. At a loose end given that his partner was away. According to Sophie, Doidge was visiting his Nan. On his return Michael would leap into action or slump into inaction. He wasn't sure at this point. This was a journey into the unknown.

Doidge, in common with most of the residents of St Erile, had a curious history. For example he was the only person Michael had ever met whose parents had left home. At the age of three they'd dropped off the young Doidgemeister at his Nan's and then disappeared without trace. Not that anyone had bothered to try to trace them. Michael heard the van pull up outside. The fun was about to start it seemed. Surely, he thought to himself, I should have spent some time thinking about what I was going to say. How he would broach the subject of the wooing of Stephanie. Too late now. The door opened. Doidge trudged through it. He took off his boots. Then did the double take as he spotted Michael ensconced on the sofa. The young man shrugged and took a seat opposite his guest. Michael waited for him to say something. He waited in vain. He'd hoped, one could say he'd expected, Doidge to make the opening remark. This would jog Michael's brain into gear instantly. Why not, it had never happened before, based purely on the laws of probability it had to happen at least once. Like eating poisonous mushrooms and sex.

"I expect you're wandering why I'm here?"
"Not really."
"How is your Nan, these days?"
"Fine. The rheumatism is playing up a bit, but the warmer weather is helping."
"Is she alright for creams and ointments?"
Oh fuck. Where did that come from?
"Dr Singh has prescribed her things for it. Are you alright? You look a bit funny."
"No I'm not alright. Yes I do look a bit funny. The two are not connected. I'm trying to work out why I went with creams and ointments. Your Nan, remind me who she is again. No it's alright. I know her. I'm in unfamiliar territory here."
"Why? You've been here before."
"That I have. This is different though. I'm in an awkward situation here Doidge. I don't mind admitting that. I'm not sure how to phrase this."
"Well my Nan says you shouldn't beat around the bush or sugar coat the truth. If it needs saying you should just come out with it."
"If you're sure?"
"It's what me Nan says."
"Who are we to argue with that? She's lived a long and... accurate life? I would imagine. I expect she's seen a few things in her time on earth. Bet she could tell us a few stories about things that happened. Years ago. Must have experienced a lot of changes in all that time. Some for the good and some for the worse, no doubt. Is it just me or is it really warm in here? That doesn't matter though. What matters is me coming out with it and getting right to the point. How does that grab you?"
"Is it bad news?"
Doidge asked disinterestedly.
"No. At least I hope not. It will depend how you view it. It being bad news is a worst case scenario. Just don't get your hopes up. That's my advice. This is way outside my comfort zone to be honest. I'm having a lot of trouble expressing it. If you know what I mean."
"Yeah, I suppose I do. I said shit to Stephanie." His face looked bereft. "I can't even blame the drink for it. I haven't said a word to her for months and then I said shit. I'm done for, far as Stephanie's concerned."
"Not necessarily. Let me lay a little of my recent history upon you. Perhaps that will help."

Prior to this Michael had discussed things with Sophie. They'd spent a lot of time together in a confined space. That much lunacy in such a small container had to find some release. Sophie was certain Stephanie and Doidge belonged together. They were the perfect match. In ways that Michael completely failed to see. Having become bored with the whole arbitration saga her attention had suddenly shifted to ensuring the two became one. His Beautiful Assistant insisted she knew how to do this. Her confidence based on her finding out how to do it as she went along. Their conversations were varied but initially went along these lines.

"Hold on. This is the blind leading the blind here. What do you know about match making?"
Michael had asked.
"Instinct. Pure female instinct. That and my ability to pump Steph for anything I need. In the guise of helping me get laid. You wouldn't believe I just made that up would you."
Sophie replied.
"Genuinely?"
He queried.
"Oh yeah I just had this vague idea and the sudden impulse to get those two together. I'm not even sure they're connected. Or whether this is my medication talking."
Sophie affirmed.
"Okay... Which things might not be connected?"
"The vague idea, the sudden impulse and getting the love birds together. The things I said. How could you not understand that?"
"I was thinking about Steph and Doidge. I thought you might mean they weren't connected. Given she's a graduate with a a first class mind and Doidge is a man who would find the instruction to put his left hand up far too complicated to follow."
"What have I told you about the thinking?"
Sophie demanded.
"Alright. I'm not supposed to think. Now I have a question. May I ask it?"
"That depends. Is it going to be another stupid one?"
"That would be for you to decide."
"Okay. Spit it out."
"Cool... Now you've got me saying it. This might be a stupid question but would I be right in assuming that you have issued me a warning. Now does said warning indicate that should I make another transgression you will hit me?"
"Yes."
"So we really are doing this then."
"Correct."
"Well I'll be guided by you because I have not got the faintest idea how to proceed."
"You and me both. It's going to be a steep learning curve. Now cup my breasts and tell me I'm yours to do with as you please."
"No."
"Well it was worth a shot. I sensed a tiny delay there. I think you were considering it."
"I can assure you I wasn't."

Having explained this to Doidge, in a cutaway flashback, Michael still couldn't figure out why he couldn't simply tell Doidge Stephanie reciprocated his feelings. Explain that when Stephanie made derogatory remarks about herself it was up to Doidge to repudiate them. That wasn't how these things worked. Which was so illogical it had to be true.

"Basically what I'm saying is that I'm here to help you with your... I can't think of a word to describe it so I'm going with courtship. What do you think of that?"
"I think I'd rather it was Doogie giving me advice."
Michael replied almost bitterly.
"Yeah well so would I. Only when I begged him to he said he wouldn't touch this with a shitty stick. So you're stuck with me. I feel for you Doidge. I know how bitter a pill that is to swallow. Only I've got Sophie all over my back about this. Meaning I would throw you under the bus in an instant to escape her wrath. That's the truth. Now how can we move this forward?"
"I said shit to Stephanie."
"That's not forward. That's backward. It's history Doidge. There is no way you can take that shit back. You must learn from that shit and use it to further your cause. Tell you what. Why don't you show me your poems? That might be fun. Show me how the creative juices have flowed all over your output. Let's have a look at your juices." Michael paused in his full flow bullshit. "Did that sound confident to you? I was going for confident."
"They're just scribbles. I showed you some when I first started and you said they weren't bad. Every time I asked you to take a look since then you been too busy."
"Oh right. That was pretty shitty of me wasn't it. Obviously I was lying. Let's have a look at what you've come up with since then."
Doidge fetched a large box file. Michael opened it to find an absolute avalanche of paper. There must have been well over a hundred pieces of work. All written in meticulously constructed copper script calligraphy. They were beautiful already and he hadn't even read them. No he found he was unwilling to. Not exactly scared. More worried they'd be a major disappointment after the impressive presentation.
"See? They ain't much are they. Months of pouring my heart out and it's rat's piss."
"Let me be the judge of that."
Michael selected one at random.
"I was hoping you'd maybe help me with them. You got words. A lot more than I do. I read the poems you told me to. I didn't copy them though. I put their words in my poems. I even got a theosaurious or whatever. Might as well use them to set fires I expect. Now if you was to help me I think they'd be a lot better."
Michael put the poem down. His eyes were stinging a bit. There were a lot of solvents around Doogie and Doidge's home. He cleared his throat which had become tight due to those same solvents no doubt.
"I can't help you Doidge."
"Ah well. Me and Stephanie has come to nothing. But at least we had shit together. That's something she can tell her friends. About the mute moron making a mess."
"No you tool. These are good. Fuck me, they are great. Where did this come from?"
"I expect it was me brainy pencil."
"Oh. You mean the one you used to poke that fuck wits brains with? You haven't been sucking or chewing it have you?"
"No. That would be unhygienic."
"True but that's a word I never thought I'd hear you utter. There's no other description for this but brilliant. If the rest are half as good as this one then I'd advise you to send them to a publisher. You aren't going to make a fortune out of poetry these days, but these deserve a wider audience. You never cease to amaze me Doidge. I'm no expert on anything, except possibly how not to give a shit, but I think we can work with these. Is it okay if I take them to show Sophie?"
"You think they're alright then?"
"No. They aren't alright or even not bad. These are solid gold."
"Sure then. You can let Sophie read them if you like."
Michael looked at the pristine script.
"On second thoughts I'll scan them and print out copies. Keep these safe my boy. This could erase shit from the record permanently. I'm going to do something I never do and that's make a prediction. Cinderella you shall go to the ball. Which is a costume Sophie hasn't thought of yet. Better not mention it though. If I tell her, I know I'll be the one wearing a ball gown and glass slippers."