In yet another futile attempt to raise more money for enriched plutonium I've decided to become a movie critic. As usual my brain fairies and the voices in my head are insisting I push that envelope and think outside the box. With that in mind I'm going to review two movies. One children's movie and one horror.
TOY STORY 4
This was complete shit. A massive let down if you ask me. Pointless watching this pile of garbage. I couldn't even get wood, let alone Woody. My one eyed trouser snake just wasn't interested. He did not want to come out to play. I tried everything to get into this, but failed miserably. I assume it's got a story or a plot or something, but this left me cold. I would not recommend this movie to my worst enemy.
After being rendered impotent by Toy Story this movie restored my faith in the medium. If you're going to watch this I advise you to have a large box of tissues ready and some nice soothing hand lotion. I rubbed my cock raw, let me tell you. I think the ladies will love it to. I came twice in the first ten minutes. By the time the end titles appeared I was squirting dust. It's got some horrifically gory scenes, that had me coming like a prize bull. All over the people in front of me as it happens. I can't wait for the sequel. Just thinking about it has given me a chub.
(The copyright to this image is the property of Ultimate Classic Rock.)
The traders and merchants encampment stretched as far as the eye could see. The massive equipment failure had caused a bottleneck in processing. One which Nour and his newly arrived staff were frantically trying to clear. The dust had been visible when the hoverer was ten minutes out. Its landing causing a stir among the increasingly impatient travelers. As their transport settled on the ground, the passengers readied themselves to disembark. Daisy hadn't bothered to stow her pack. Hanging it on the bulkhead beside her. Where it was now entangled. She tugged at it fruitlessly until Jake reached past to pull it free. She snatched it from him. Unable to meet his eyes. Silently exiting the aircraft. Jake and his fellows unloaded their own kit before heading over to Nour's office.
They found him urgently instructing the new arrivals and fending off inquiries from concerned traders. They'd already suffered some loses. The disruptor pulse having wrecked any Fafindi tech they'd bartered on their journey through the country. More delays meant more loses. Nour courteously gave Jake a couple of minutes out of his packed schedule. Letting them know where the horses were being pastured. It was chaos currently. All the shields were down for 800 klicks in both directions. Anyone could pass through unhindered right now. The traders knew this, but were being very circumspect. Even though they were in a hurry they remained respectful of the law. They'd be passing through again in another 12 months. Now was not the time to annoy their hosts. Given the circumstances.
They spotted Daisy, as they departed. She'd been hanging around outside. Eavesdropping, if Jake had to guess. She was still shadowing them minutes later as they wended their way through the crowds of foreigners. Bursts of unintelligible language from all directions. Interspersed with snatches of Hispanglic from raised voices complaining about the situation. The Matriarch was getting a buffeting. All alone. Whereas their company enjoyed a much clearer path. When Fetu was coming towards you, you got out of the way. Two meters of muscular Polynesian were not something you messed with. The shield sisters were hardly less intimidating. They still wore their uniforms, having decided it wouldn't be proper for them not to until they left their homeland. Both of them studying the crowds drew a few nervous glances. No one knowing they were simply absorbing this unique experience. Pip strode along between Jake and Fetu. Knowing this was the best place to be. She cast a look over her right shoulder.
"She's still there. What do you want to do?" She asked.
"What do you mean? It's a free country. Thanks in no small part to you."
Pip moved closer. Her lips barely moving as she spoke. Hiding her words from Daisy.
"She's not exactly your greatest fan Jake. There's no knowing what she might get up to."
It was a valid point. He mulled it over for a few seconds.
"Do you think she and Scarlet have come up with a cunning plan?"
"They hardly had the freedom to communicate one. Besides I don't think she let anyone know her travel plans before she skipped. She's an ally of... that woman. No knowing what she might try."
"I think we're safe for now." Jake advised. "Looks to me like all she's doing is finding her horse. I'm conflicted. Do you know what I mean?"
"I do. Would it be better to have her inside our tent pissing, than outside pissing in. If we let her tag along with us, at least we can keep an eye on her. Once she's vanished into this melee of humanity she could get up to all kinds of tricks. There's hundreds of mercenaries hired to protect the merchants. She could hire a dozen or so to make our lives difficult."
"Do you think so?" Was his skeptical response. "What the hell would she pay them with?"
"Our possessions would be worth a lot after we're dead. And she's a woman. There are other forms of payment she could use."
It took a moment for him to work out what she meant.
"So you think having her where we can see her would be the best idea?"
The young woman shrugged.
"I don't know. Probably."
"And you call me indecisive." He chuckled. "Let's not decide now. Let's just find these frigging horses of ours and then see if we can get a couple more for our shield sisters."
There was a coral the size of at least 3 football pitches. Filled with equines. Beyond that there were more exotic beasts in other enclosures. All of them part of the trade caravans trying to get out of Fafindi. They climbed over the railings, spreading out to find their own. Five needles in a haystack made out of needles. This could take all day. No knowing where they might be. Most of these were branded or tattooed. Jake couldn't remember if his was. Prince and Golden Girl floated up from his foggy brain. He should have spent more time getting acquainted. Then all he'd have had to do was whistle, like the Lone Ranger. They'd have come galloping over. It would help if the buggers didn't keep moving about. Did Chaska and Kaisha have any idea what their horses looked like? As soon as that thought came into his head Kaisha whistled them over. Having been nearest the fence. Well she'd spotted something. It was worth investigating.
Well worth it as things turned out. There were a group of about 12 men doing their best to put a halter on Golden Girl. Their other mounts milling about nearby were also being rounded up. As if that wasn't suspicious enough there were three other horses outside the coral with 3 men watching over them. Pip consulted her firewave as they drew closer. Pointing at her earlobe after she'd done so. These men weren't chipped. Meaning they'd come here very recently. That they were not part of the caravan. Their approach had been spotted. Jake grinned. Bandits. Taking advantage of the breaking of the security cordon. Trying to inveigle their way into the caravan. Where they could wreak havoc and steal booty. Not far removed from pirates and privateers. There was an important distinction though. Jake was a pirate. The men spread out. Knowing they outnumbered Jake and his friends 3 to 1. He nodded to his comrades in turn. Trusting they knew what he meant. Another nod and Fetu moved closer to the fencing.
"Turn around and walk away if you know what's good for ya." Their leader ordered gruffly.
Still grinning, Jake kept walking.
"That's always been my problem. I never know what's good for me. On the other hand someone stealing my horses?" He spread his arms. "Is that going to be good for me?"
A humorless chuckle from the top thug.
"Ownership's a tricky thing ain't it. There's no markings on em. None on my other horses. Who's to say who these belong to. Now you can be stupid and nosy and brave and dead. Or you can walk away with your life. What do you think?"
Jake rubbed his chin. Staring at the skyline.
"Ummmmm." It was hard to tell who was more startled. The bandits or the horses as the crack of gunfire rent the air. Fetu took out the three guarding the felons mounts. The final one being the first man in the Never to be killed by a Pantovian battleaxe. Jake strolled over to the chief horse rustler. Now lying in the dirt with bright red blood gushing from his throat. "I think I've got some free horses. Is that good for me?"
"All accounted for." Pip announced, holstering her pistols. "You going to let that one linger on, or do the decent thing and end his miserable life. Shooting him in the throat was cruel and unnecessary you know."
"Cruel? Possibly. Unnecessary? Definitely not. He annoyed me. Firstly by trying to steal our horses. Secondly by thinking he could threaten us." He crouched down over the dying man. "You learned an important lesson today. One that'll be valuable for the rest of your life. Now let's round up our horses. Don't know about you guys, but I could really do with something to eat. Surely some enterprising trader is offering refreshments."
The short lived rattle of gunfire had brought some attention. Two of the troopers they'd arrived with had come to investigate. There was also a small crowd at the railings, who rapidly lost interest. Chaska waved the troopers away. Nothing to see here. Briefly he wondered what to do about the dead bodies. Sod it. Someone else could take care of them. He felt a gentle shove in the back. It was Golden Girl. She seemed to be pleased to see him. As did Prince. He was jumping about, showing off no doubt. Stasis must have done something to them. It felt like they were used to him now. Daisy on the other hand was having problems. She'd followed them into the pen. Was now trying to calm her own ride. The mare didn't want anything to do with her.
Was she a doppelganger? Norbert or Polly, or someone, had stated that was next to impossible. Something about transferring a consciousness into another body caused problems. To do with brain architecture? It seemed to ring a bell. When they'd left the horses here things had been fine. This was Daisy, but not the same one. She had the memories of the original not the personality though. Something told him if he could get to the bottom of this mystery he'd have all the answers he needed right now. Daisy stumbled backwards as the palfrey lashed out at her. Falling onto her backside, she rolled out of the way of dancing hooves.
Jake went to her aid. Soothing the skittish animal. Holding a hand out to the fallen one, in more than two ways. At first she ignored it. Accepting his assistance after a bout of sulking. She dusted herself down.
"Look." He opened placatingly. "This really isn't a good place for you to be all alone among strangers. I'm pretty sure we're all heading in the same direction. Why not join us?"
"Are you sure your joint hatred of me will allow this?"
"I don't hate you Daisy. I don't trust you. That goes for all of us I'm sure. We've all said some harsh things. Let's leave them in the past. Come with us. Who knows, I might decide to head out after your people. Maybe they can work out whatever the fucks wrong with you. I still have a lot of good memories involving you. And Scarlet I suppose. Right now it's hard for me to think of those."
"Fine. If I must, I will."
She took the halter from him. Her mount still nervous. She led it away talking softly. Pip sidled up.
"Before you start." Jake stated. "I want to get to the bottom of all this eventually. There's something going on here."
"I know. You keep saying. I think you're doing the right thing." She gazed at the subject of their conversation. "She still doesn't know she's pregnant does she. We'll keep her safe. Even I'd feel like an asshole if we left her in the lurch. I have some good memories of her as well. It's hard to reconcile them with what I know now. So when we heading home?"