OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 75 - Have You Given Them Names?

For a while now people have been asking me when I will publish my autobiography. The good news for both of them is that I have recently put pen to contract. I can't name the publisher for legal reasons. They've already had a lot of trouble with their Hitler for Children series (Well that's let the cat out of the bag). Rather like Martin Luther King I have a dream only my dream involves a lot more naked women and an endless supply of Viagra. The following is an extract from my forthcoming autobiography (Either that or some random shit I've just thrown together) of which critics have said : It's a pile of unadulterated filth from cover to cover and : It made me projectile vomit and now my wife is divorcing me. Chapter 11 (provisionally entitled "Is this a rash or has the dye in my underpants run?") begins thusly : My cock is huge the kitten was small. What can I say? It was a foolish error of judgement on my part, but can you get it off or what? Now on with even more nonsense.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Pictures and Stories.)

Jake and Pip stepped up to the wall of the Bristol dome and walked through. This time it wasn't into a simulation of anything. Unless there were simulations of the outer circle of the city. He looked up and down the slightly curved street. Not a single person in sight. Nothing untoward there then. Nothing unusual about a city of over five million people being more or less deserted. Mind bogglingly disturbing, for him, but the status quo. Jake was pretty sure he spotted one of the Custodians in the distance. Somewhere near the entrance he supposed. He looked both ways. Ah, he wasn't entirely lost. The street was circular. He had no idea where he'd been staying. There had been a robotically destroyed vending machine he used as a guide. Nowhere in sight. Thinking it through it would have been repaired or replaced by now. His composure wasn't helped by having Pip stare at him expectantly. Expecting him to know the way. As he'd discovered when originally entering the city, you could be a few meters from where you wanted to go and several miles if you headed off in the wrong direction.

"Which way then?" Pip asked.
Why did the young always ask these difficult unanswerable questions.
"Patience young Pip, I'm just getting my bearings." He obfuscated.
"Good. Only you look lost."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am. I'm in the city of Bristol. Only we didn't come in where I thought we would. I'm trying to work out the quickest way to our destination?"
Pip looked around at the glowing numbers on each of the different housing blocks.
"So you didn't make a note of your address then." Pip stated provocatively, in a calm level voice. It was still provocative.
"I had a lot going on. Taking care of eight hacked Custodians is a full time job. They aren't very good at following instructions. Or do I mean that they are very good at following all instructions exactly, to the point of the exclusion of all logic? I just remembered." Jake exclaimed.
"Where we are?" Pip rejoined.
"No. I made them do a map of the area. It goes into such meticulous detail that I'm confident."
She looked at him mystified.
"Confident of what?"
He fumbled in his pocket for the firewave. Answering her distractedly.
"That's a good question deserving of a good answer. When I've made one up I'll let you know."
"I got nothing." Hermes advised. "If I try to access their maintenance or security logs there's a high chance I'll be detected. I'd move if I were you. There's a driverless vehicle with four passengers headed this way and your standing in the middle of the road."
Jake moved himself and Pip to the nearest wall. Some protective instinct made him place her against the building while he stood in front. In case she dashed out into the street without looking both ways. The whole holding hands thing had thrown him out of kilter. Jake finally fished out the firewave, bringing up the relevant data.
"Now if you'll hold on for a few seconds I'll be able to find us." A dense black shadow, that felt like it was oozing all over him, wasn't helping things.
Pip grabbed his bicep, her fingers burrowing their way to his bones. There really was no need for that. There were other far less painful methods of attracting his attention. He was about to tell her this when he saw her face. He'd seen her happy, sad, angry and a whole litany of other expressions. This one was new. She was terrified.
"Time Agent." Pip and Hermes explosively cried simultaneously. "It's not even cloaked." Pip wailed

A skull splitting screech, turned his blood to ice. Ordinarily he'd have run away. Why he didn't was anybody's guess. Instead Jake had drawn his weapon without even thinking. Keeping Pip between himself and the wall, he spun. There before him was one of the most repulsive things he'd seen in his life. And this from a man who'd had to look in the mirror to shave every morning. Impossible to describe and wrong in so many ways. The vision before him brought an instinctive visceral response. Skeletally thin with limbs that articulated in strange directions. As though someone had plucked all the feathers off a long dead eagle. Large black eyes the size of tennis balls. Two vibrating slits for a nose and a mouth full of sharp interleaving spikes. Well over seven feet tall with tattered skin between its arms and torso. Why wasn't he running? The fact this thing would easily catch them shouldn't have overridden that impulse. When he was with Doxy they'd run from one of these things inky shadow. The story was that once one of these things was on your trail it never gave up. They could be after you for something you'd done or something you were going to do. Jake leveled his weapon. Aiming at what he assumed was it's head. The bit with the eyes and the teeth that left no room for a brain.

"Damn. You are one ugly mother fucker."
"You can't kill it." Pip hissed. "Not with that."
"I know." He responded. "I'm just aiming to fuck up its entire day. Pip? When it gets me, run."
The thing crept forward. Slithering across the road its head moving from side to side. The nostrils quivering as it scented its prey. Get a little closer, he thought. A few more steps and I'm going to make you eat as many rounds as I can get off before you kill me. The upper limbs spread out, 30 centimeter claws extending from their ends. Jake curled his finger around the trigger. It stopped. Barely two meters away. It's head dipped forward impossibly. The neck elongating and distorting. He heard it sniff. Could smell something unpleasant and unlike anything he'd encountered before. The thing reared up. No. It recoiled. It's arms came down as it backed away. Bowing low. Almost prostrating itself. It spoke. A cross between the rustling of old pages and the rattling of bones.
"Apologies Wanderer." It hissed. "This one did not know you. Please be merciful when that time comes for this ones error to be punished."
It vanished. Not instantly. The Time Agent faded and lessened in size. The last part of it to disappear the dark shadow, being sucked into somewhere else. Jake stood there, his shotgun still aiming at where it had been.
"Well. That was a massive anticlimax all round. Sorry Pip."
She was looking at him with awe. Nobody had ever looked at him with awe before, so he had no idea. Holstering his weapon Jake set off towards the home he'd commandeered the last time he was here. They were less than five minutes walk from it. She was still looking up at him as they walked. Pip swallowed.
"You faced down a Time Agent." She exclaimed. "Nobody does that. You either die or you run and die. That was unbelievable."
"I do the unbelievable all the time." Jake declared. "Only it's always been unbelievably stupid. It had to work at least once. I thought it would if I kept trying. I knew I'd be good at something or for something. It just took travelling to a completely different universe to find out."
She shook her head.
"I wet myself a little bit back there."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you with my magnificence. Don't get used to it. It'll never happen again."
She gave his arm a more gentle squeeze this time.
"Promise?"
"I swear on Hermes life."
"Charming." Hermes retorted. "There wasn't much I could do about that. No way to detect them. I might have shit myself though."
Jake stopped dead, much to Pip's consternation.
"What precisely does that mean? Given that you are in me, what and where have you been shitting?"
"It's nothing." Hermes dissembled. "Just don't do anything strenuous until I've cleaned up."
"Cleaned up what?" Jake yelped loudly.
"All of our lines are busy right now. We value all our callers and ask that you bear with us through this difficult period. After which normal service will be resumed."

Further queries and threats drew no response. Jake gave up and set off again. A little while later they arrived at what he recognized as his temporary home away from other temporary homes. As they entered two Custodian spheres floated in behind them. Pip kept her eyes on them as they bobbed around Jake. He spotted her disquiet, which was unusually astute for him.

"It's okay. They're completely harmless. Unless you happen to be a vending machine."
One of them moved toward her, Pip's whole body stiffened. It's little lights scanned her.
"Juvenile human." It announced. "No specific protocols. No action required. No action permitted. Only protective measures allowed."
She tentatively reached out to touch it. It held still humming quietly.
"You've got eight of these?"
"Yeah. It was just one of those things. I hacked the first one and they kept sending replacements to investigate. Eventually we worked out how to stop them."
"Have you given them names?"
"Well kind of. I called the first one Fuck You, because I'm childish. Then I called the second one Fuck You Two because that amused me. After that I couldn't think of any ruder funnier names so it goes up to eight." The next part he whispered. "I honestly can't tell them apart. They all look identical to me. Makes me feel slightly racist if I'm honest."
The Custodians were streaming data into his firewave at an incredible rate. He busied himself reviewing extracts. He sent the drones off to continue their work. There wasn't much else he could think to do with them.
"Racist? What's that?" Pip inquired.
Jake was still glued to his device.
"It's a thing where I came from. I don't suppose you know what homophobia is either?"
"Fear of man or man fear?"
It wasn't something he wanted to delve into.
"Near enough. Make yourself at home Pip. It's as much your place as mine. Basically I stole it."
"I'm going to take a shower. Which room is yours or does it matter?"
Looking up was a mistake. Jake stumbled backwards and covered his eyes.
"Jesus fucking Christ Pip. Put some clothes on."
She giggled at his modesty on behalf of her.
"I can't. I've put them in the wash and repair. I don't have a change of clothing. They'll be ready in a few minutes. You're beginning to stink a bit. Why don't you join me? We can do each others backs."
Memories of involuntarily sharing a shower with Doxy flooded back.
"I'm a bit busy right now. Any other time and I'd be only too glad to assist you. Right now my hands are full. I've got to keep a breast. I mean I've got to stay abreast of developments."
Was that believable bullshit? She was laughing at him as she headed to the bathroom. She'd possibly told herself a joke she'd never heard before.