Abuse is a Deal You Can't Sweeten
She slips it in with the sugar. You are both curved over coffee mugs, steam rising toward your mouths. Her mouth opens in a smile and whispers, "I want to make sure you know. . ."
You already know. You know what comes next. This is abuse. This is the pattern of emotional upheaval, of the life mined by your father and detonated by your mother every step along the path. She will tell you a secret. She will tell you she has gone against the patriarch, and when she tells you, she will reiterate how he would not approve.
Listening will make you subject to her fear of his reprisal. Should he find out, her life will be hard. She does not consider these words a dagger. She sees herself virtuous, loving, breaking free all while managing her own abuse by managing secrets to manage his moods. She aligns you with herself by inviting you into the conspiracy. Out of love for you which is really just the abused mind's form of self-protection. She can't see it because she is unwilling to look, to consider how harmful it is to teach you to lie, to hide out of fear, to be cobbled into a shield for one parent against another.
You are done keeping secrets.
As a child, they were confidences and important because bottling their essences kept you safe from retribution. Against your body, yes, but more often against your mind through your mother's. Chain reaction. A game of telephone. Pass the hurt along.
This confidence is designed to implicate while driving home the point that you are disapproved of. Mother loves you. Mother supports you, but only so far. Mother will always choose Father. She will always not choose you.
You watch her words break the steam of her coffee. You inhale, let the steam rising from your own mug coat your heart. You watch but you do not listen. There is nothing new hear except resolve.
This drink is bitter. There is no sweetness. You are done.
This is my response to this week's #PromptParty hosted by @shapeshifter43. You can find the post calling for writing here.
image from pixabay.com
Never experienced something like this, but I know people who have. Families are really complicated. At some point in my life I wondered if I would be better off if my mom and my father hadn't split before I had use of reason, but experience has taught me that there's no use in asking oneself the what-ifs, and that "classic" families can be just as dysfunctional as mono-parental situations... Sometimes much worse than just "dysfunctional".
I have to say, I really love your writing.
Thank you so much fo the compliment. I think families are built on stable, unconditional love and that's what should be considered "classic." Because you are right--any type of family can be dysfunctional, especially one built on expectations rather than reality.
For me i stay away from her. Don't allow her to abuse my emotionally. i Write her a letter and explain to her that i need to be on my own.
Thank you. I have communicated my boundaries. You are right to suggest this path.
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Sending you drinks full of sweetness, and a long-distance hug. xoxo
<3 Love to you.
The Response, "Why?"
Questions can be answered with questions and certainly, so can metacommunications. An abuser is not so brave when the intents of the heart are laid bare. The questioner is above it all and cannot be charged or challenged.
An useful point.