Good story. I can see what you did with it. Different than screenplay writing, yet it is very novel worthy. The verbose style is never my own, yet plenty of good people like you can use it wisely for the medium it is designed for. If you want to make your dialogue more unique look into "Plosives." I find it to be fantastic as it is truthfully. Have you thought of an audiobook medium, or even reciting it on sound cloud then posting it here to listen? Over all good work!