In connection with a morose mood ...

I sit gloomy and reflect on some things that I do not understand until now. Although I observe and am surprised at them for many years ...

For example, my mother loves when people think about her ... It is desirable that they always think about her well. She is trying very hard for this ... always, before she does something / make / say, she thinks: "And what can others say or think about me?" ... And checking this "compass", he does his own business and speaks his own words.

I am taught (so far) the same: "The main thing is that, God forbid, they do not think what." ... What's wrong, of course ...

And, it turns out, it's bad to think about anything and about anyone ... This is my mom always says with certainty ... To my question, is there any sense then generally to look at the opinions of others, if good for all all the same you will not , can not give a clear answer ... Explains one thing: "We must do it right" and then a whole list of this "correct" ... Long, boring and absolutely incomprehensible to me.

I'm sitting at the table next to her, listening in in-ear and busting off bits of cracked oilcloth on the table ...

Sense to argue with her, something to explain net.Ona firmly convinced of his rightness ...

And I look at it and think: all my life I'll put on something to live differently than I want and want myself, but as it is "accepted by people" (one of her most frequent expressions) ... Delirium ...

But so she brought me up in childhood. And this habit of looking at others and on the actual "public opinion" at the given time, to compare and control my thoughts, feelings and actions is still firmly in me. And no happiness, or at least a minimum satisfaction does not bring, and never brought ... Only fear and a sense of inferiority. But it was done with good intentions ...

And I'm already tired ... I'm tired tired of the fact that I will never be "good for everyone" ... Yes, and I do not need it at all ... And all the same I'm afraid. I'm afraid to do as I please ... and there is nothing terrible or criminal in my desired actions-they are just different ... Thoughts, feelings, desires, deeds, they are just their own, and not imposed by the notorious "it's so taken" ...

And in fact ... these "seditious" thoughts already change me and myself, and my life gradually ... Gradually, it's not always noticeable, but they change. And I'm very glad about it.

The only question that arises in this connection is how far I can go in my quest for freedom) ... Ie. where there will be that face, which I do not want to go myself.

I think the best guide will be my own conscience-it did not fail me once. And it does not fail: my conscience exists for this ...