New Story - With new ideas and directions to hand. I'm writing this and posting it straight onto Steemit - You can not get more exclusive than that!

in #story7 years ago

“Don’t give me that, you’ve always got some stashed somewhere!” Ash’s mum said, grabbing the girl by her jumper and pulling her close. She did a quick body-search and only when she was satisfied the girl had no money on her did she let her go.

“You’re a selfish little brat at times,” Ash’s mother snarled as she returned to the task of finding some discarded or forgotten money.

“Do you think there’s any chance of you letting me have some of that you’ve borrowed from me, mum?” Ash said, keeping close to the door so she had at least a chance of escaping should her mum turn on her again.

“Money I’ve borrowed from you?” she said in a tone that spoke of disbelief. “How about all the money I’ve spent on you? How about you pay some of that back?”

She turned to Ash and, placing her fists on her hips, started walking towards her daughter with menacing intent.

“That new mattress for a start, that’s me out of pocket for twenty-five quid. The clothes you’ve got on your back, not to mention the food, electricity and everything else you waste.”

Ash backed out of the kitchen as her mother approached. She knew she’d pushed too far but now she had a safe place to hide her money, she wanted to put it all there if she could.

“Oh yeah, that’s all my fault, isn’t it? I tricked you into giving birth, otherwise you’d only have Stacey. Yeah, it’s all my fault. Well you owe me a hundred and five pounds and ninety five pence and if I added up all the interest on that, you’ve got to be looking at one-twenty at least.”

Ash didn’t really know what ‘interest’ meant and she certainly had no idea how to calculate it, but she’d heard the phrase somewhere and threw it into the mix for good measure.

“Let’s call it a hundred and ten, shall we?”

“You cheeky little fucker!” her mum screeched at her and launched herself at Ash.

Ash was ready to run and leaped onto the stairs and went up them two at a time, like a ‘rat up a drainpipe’ as her grandad would have said.

Running up the stairs usually meant she was safe for a while, her mother couldn’t be bothered chasing her. This time, though, she was beyond angry and wanting to teach a lesson.

“I’ll thrash your hide, you cheeky little madam!” she yelled as she ran up the stairs after Ash.

Rather than slamming herself in her bedroom where there was no lock on the door, or locking herself in the bathroom and risking further fury when her mother battered her way in and broke the flimsy lock, Ash dodged the other way at the top of the stairs, thinking on her feet.

She ran into the spare room and knocked over a suitcase full of junk so it blocked the door for a few moments.

Just under the window, part-hidden by a magazine, Ash glimpsed something that made her grin with the irony of the moment.

A crumpled fiver lay on the floor.

Ha! If the lazy bitch had cleaned up in here once in a while, she’d have found this! Ash thought.

Then she went to the window, opened it and scrambled out onto the little extension to the back. It was an ungainly manoeuvre but she managed it before her mother barged past the temporary blockade she’d set up.

With her mother screaming the place down, Ash dropped from the extension roof and leaped the fence and was away.

The only place she knew she’d be safe was at Justin’s and so she went there.

Coming down from the adrenalin of the argument and the chase, Ash felt more ill than she had before.

She called at the shop and bought a box of cold remedy.

“Who’s this for, Ash?” the shop assistant said.

“For me mum, she’s a bit off it,” Ash said.

“I’m not supposed to sell this to minors, but… oh go on. I don’t want you getting in trouble,” she said, handing Ash the change from her lucky find.

As Ash ran towards Justin’s, she remembered the junkie and slowed down. She took the back way to his house – over other people’s gardens and hedges and she watched for a while.

Someone was in the outside toilet, the door was closed when it was usually open.

Ash waited, the toilet flushed and someone appeared.

It was the bloke from before, that Mike-guy.

“Nigel, where the fuck are you?” he whisper-snarled.

“I’m here and don’t call me Nigel. I hate that name. Look, have you got anything for me? Christ, this is hurting me so bad…”

“Shut your whining hole, Nigel,” Mike said. “Is there any way in or not? And has that fucking dog gone? I nearly shit myself when that bloody great bark came out of nowhere.”

“I think the dog has gone. I’ve not heard it the last few times I’ve been. But I don’t think I’ll be getting in here, not without breaking something. He’s had all new windows in. Last time, before we got the key, he had rotten window frames and they were a doddle to prise open.”

“Fuck, well, we’ll just have to wait until Brenda can get us a copy then, won’t we?” Mike said, turning away. “Come on, Nigel, let’s find you somewhere cosy where you can shoot up to your little heart’s content.”

Ash waited a good while to allow Mike and Nigel time to clear the area, then she let herself in. Justin was asleep on the sofa. Robin had already settled him down.

He didn’t wake as Ash made one of the cold remedies and took it upstairs.

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Such a great read. Thak you for sharing it with the Steemit community. Steem the Dream!

Thank you, I'm so pleased you're enjoying my work :)

You are most welcome!

I will support you, God bless you, I learn english, so if I made some mistakes, then I apologize and keep it
thank you very much

我会支持你,上帝保佑你,我学中文,所以如果我犯了一些错误,那么我道歉并保持
非常感谢你

Thank you and well done on learning English. It's not easy :)

Good post and useful. Thanks for sharing

Thank you and thanks so much for reading and commenting :)

Wow, This is absolutely riveting. I can't wait to follow through to the end. I can relate well to ash and her mother's scene. Most Nigerian children have experienced same(lol). Or how else could one exercise a little independence if those kinda money doesn't come ones way. Thanks to those crumb notes I see in my father's pockets when I'm washing his clothes.

Haha! Yes.

I figure if I find money when I do the washing, it's a gift from the 'washing fairies' ;) After all, they usually do the washing...

great story,, you are great @michelle.gent

Thank you... not so sure about 'great' but I do like to think I have a bit of talent :)

great idea

ok i vote you welcome to my blog @farhannaqvi7 where i give you happiness in just few second

Thank you for all this beautiful words.

Good work. Suggestion if you are open to it. More plosives in your dialogue. It is a very solid piece of writing. The picture below breaks down the letters. Blade sounds better than knife for example. Just an idea.

plosives.jpg

Thank you for your advice, it's always useful to get quality feedback on writing and I certainly appreciate it.

This will be revised a few times before I edit it. Right now, it's an interesting exercise, I'm tapping out the story 'raw' so to speak and posting it on here.

I'd usually never share anything that I've not gone over with a fine-tooth comb at least twice before it sees the light of day.

Please keep reading and commenting. I really do want to improve and by listening to advice from others, I'm sure I shall :)

You are always in progress. Writing is progress. Remember that! You as a human being; furthermore, along with your writing.

Improvement will always come from within you. You set the bar, and practice many exercises to work the writing muscle. We have to run our race, and progress with writing exercises. Do 1 or 2 a day. It depends what you want to achieve? Screenwriting or novel? This will dictate the types of weights you lift. Writing is much like weight lifting, so we could shift strategies from time to time. Keep at it.

I write every day, but it's a discipline I've only recently returned to. I had a bit of a black-spot earlier - too much to do and no focus on anything.

I write first thing every morning, with one last post at night.

This is something I'm writing by the 'seat of my pants' so to speak. There's no plot or development planned out, I have no idea where it's going. I'm just following Ash on her journey and I'm grateful that she's allowing me to come along with her.

I'm not sure if this will be a novel, but anything's possible, right?

The stories I've previously written have all been paranormal-based, urban horror and this is the most 'real' I've written (apart from my memories, in another set of posts).

Writing consists of structure and flow. If you flow and let it come out creatively; however we need structure. Structuring the story. Structure the grammar and so on. Flow is also present in words. The rhythm of language such as alliteration. The discipline you speak of is crucial, and it is a trait of good writer such as yourself.

"This is something I'm writing by the 'seat of my pants' so to speak. There's no plot or development planned out, I have no idea where it's going. I'm just following Ash on her journey and I'm grateful that she's allowing me to come along with her."

<----- This statement leads to the idea that structure could never possibly be ignored. Every story has one. The map is never the territory of course. There is a fine line between structure and flow. If we are too structure it is boring as crap. If we are too flow. Then we need to structure it more and "sharpen the saw" so to speak. We do both in every story. Structure and flow. So, now that you know this. You can work on structure. It will pay off.

"too much to do and no focus on anything." This statement lends itself to the idea that if we put too much focus on too many things we just get more of the same. When you focus yourself and become like a laser beam you will have writing that provides a visceral punch to your audience.

You get what you focus on. Focus on too many things you become scattered. Focus in on one part of writing and you will dominate it. Hugs. Fantastic work over all. You can do this. I believe in you. We often have to stretch toward our opposite traits. It is all about comfort zones and coming out of them.

Make a list of areas that you can structure in your story. You have killer writing now go and be visceral.

Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. I appreciate it all.

The thing I was focussing on wasn't to do with writing, it was a new house and I got so bogged down with that, it took my mind completely away from writing and then it became difficult to get back.

The longer I left it, the harder it was to return and the easier it was to find something else to focus my creative spirit on.

We need breaks from writing. We need breaks from life too. When you take a break from writing you will be more creative when you get back to it. Shift gears as it should be high up on your list what you value.

Heand on steemit
hopefully many who ngevoted you .. follow me maybe we can be friends well

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