How it Was That I Went on a Diet
The time for my annual check up approached. So, I called up my Doctor's office and set the appointment.
This man has been my doctor for the past 25 years and in that span of time we became good friends. The same fella who, when he found out the Missus and I were going to spend a romantic weekend visiting the old mansions in Natchez Mississippi, gave me a sample pack of ED tablets.
I told him I had no problems in that department and he asked, "You are over 50 aren't you?"
"Well yes, but....."
"Take one of these on Friday evening and thank me later."
Now fellas, this stuff is a wonder drug! These little yellow pellets are a marvel, you may want to ask your doctor about them. Don't be embarrassed. I'm telling you, things slow down over the years and you don't even realize. Perhaps you are prone to falling out of bed....this will fix you right up, on account of you'll have a kick stand preventing you from rolling over!
You must be careful though because.....say you are a Sunday School Superintendent, the least little vibration will set this substance off and KER-BLAM, there you are, sporting a tent in front of the whole congregation! Imagine it! I rode over the railroad tracks a little too fast one morning and ten seconds later, BAM, the extra large cold drink I was holding between my legs hit the floor!
This isn't about that. This is about how I got on this confounded diet.
The doc checked me over, declared me disgustingly healthy, and asked if I had any ailments.
"Well," I said, "I've been having this naggy little pain right here," pointing to the right side of my chest just under my pectoral muscle.
"Hmmmmm, exactly where your gall bladder is, let's draw some blood."
I went into the little
"I'll inform you of the results in a day or two," Doc said, and I headed home.
Sure enough, about two days later, he calls.
"We set up an appointment to examine your gall bladder, your bilirubin is higher than normal." I tried to tell him I wasn't aware of any Jewish guys named Billy, but he told me to shut up and be tested.
The test was what they call an ultra sound. You go in this dark little room and take your shirt off, and this lady smears axle grease all over your belly then rubs this gizmo, that resembles an electric razor, all over your tummy.
Turns out there wasn't anything wrong with my gall bladder. So the doctor sends me to a specialist to get to the bottom of this slight irregularity.
Well, I'm about to be concerned at this point, wondering if all that time I spent playing in the toxic waste dump as a kid was coming back to haunt me. You can read about that here.
Anyway, this new fella earns his pay, I tell you. I was poked and prodded and tested and retested and buzzed on and x-rayed and whatnot until he was satisfied with the results.
"Mr. Knowles," he said, "you are an enigma. You are too healthy to be sick, so we suspect Gilbert's Syndrome."
I was shocked! "How long do I have Doc? Give it to me straight."
"What? No, no, this isn't going to kill you, we call this, the Frenchman's disease and it is very common in Louisiana."
"I'm not French! I'm American!"
"Uh,huh, well somewhere in your family tree, I assure you there has been one!"
I suppose that could be, on my mother's side twice removed.
"When was your last colonoscopy?"
Well, I never had one, on account of I knew what that word meant and I'd been dodging my doctor friend for the last ten years on this issue.
"Never had the pleasure, but I reckon I'm fixing to, right?" I asked.
"Yes," he said, "and since you'll be sedated, I'll do an endoscopy at the same time, to check one more thing."
"Uh, doc," I asked," you don't use the same camera thingy as you do on the other end, do ya?"
"Well, yeah, but I'll hose it off first, I promise."
Funny guy right there!
I found out there ain't a thing to that colonoscopy deal.
It's the day before the procedure you gotta be careful about. They give you this concoction to drink, and buddy, you better not be far away from the toilet, I'm here to tell you. I'm not talking about being in the next room either, that convenience needs to be within sight or you will soil your knickers! I know! I ran out of clean drawers in about two hours!
I woke up from the ordeal and the doc was sitting there chatting with the Missus. I heard him say something about cutting out carbohydrates and limiting the fatty foods. I didn't know it then, but I was about to go on a diet.
"Ah! You're awake. The good news is your colon is clean!"
Heck, I knew that. I pooped like a goose for the last 15 hours!
"The bad news is you are infected with H-pylori."
I was shocked!
"How long do I have Doc? Give it to me straight."
"What? No, no, this isn't going to kill you. You and about 60 million other people in the world have this bacteria which will cause ulcers if the organism isn't treated. I'm going to write you a script. This should fix the little pain in your belly."
"You're slightly overweight too."
Now folks, I am not a big fella. I'll admit,to putting on a few pounds since I was married, but I'm not what you call obese.
"I weigh 180 pounds Doc, I can walk out the door and pick the first guy that comes by and he'll tip the scales more than I."
"Yep, welcome to America! Fat is the new skinny in this country! Your BMI says you should weight between 130 and 160."
"I haven't weighed 130 pounds in 25 years!"
"So revisit your youth!" he says.
"What do I need to do."
"Cut back on the carbohydrates and fatty foods, bottom line....eat less and move more!"
Easy enough I figured.
Well, the wife and I headed over to the Walmart and she proceeded to the grocery isle and I went to fetch this medicine he prescribed. I didn't know it at the time, but I was going to poop like a goose for the next two weeks, because that's what the medicine does to your insides. I figure the traffic in there gets so bad that the little germs pack up and move to a new location!
We, meet up at the checkout and she throws broccoli and lettuce and cauliflower and cucumbers and whatnot up on the counter while I'm searching around in the buggy for the Twinkies. All I come up with are these energy bars with the picture of this smiling young athlete with a backpack and a staff, climbing up a hill in a western scene.
Now, I'm here to tell you, that man never ate one of these energy bars, on account of there isn't enough energy in them to keep an ant alive! These things are made from a rectangular piece of cardboard, dipped in unsweetened dark chocolate, and sprinkled with a fine powder of horse feed. Nasty!
Any time the Missus takes on a mission she sticks to it ,and she was bound and determined I was going to stay within my appropriate BMI index range.
This BMI thing is something a sadistic moron came up with!
I'm five feet nine inches, in my socks, and this graph says I should be in a weight range of 130 to 160 pounds!
I think I weighed 130 pounds in high school and people called me scrawny then!
We went back and forth and
she told me I was gonna be 155 or else negotiated a reasonable goal of 155. So, 25lbs, only a half a sack of feed I'm thinking. This shouldn't be too hard to do.
Well, it was!
Her idea of cut back on carbohydrates was drastic. Almost everything white vanished from my diet!
Rice and potatoes! GONE!
By golly, I'm from Louisiana! This fluffy white kernel is on the plate or you are in another state! The grain is served with gumbo, and sauce picante, and duck gravy, and okra and tomatoes and....red beans and rice! Rice goes with everything in Acadiana!
"At least I can have the beans!"
"Nope." she said, "Those are carbs too, a double whammy!"
Now folks, that woman put me on a diet that was burdensome. I was eating more green stuff than a rabbit! Broccoli! I liked broccoli, she makes the best broccoli and rice casserole! DANG! Okay none of that. Steamed only, no cheese sauce. Cauliflower Yay! What can I say, it's alright sans the butter. Fish and steak, that was good. Trimmed of all fat and five bite sized pieces only!
I put my foot down on the subject of bread, I needed bread. She bought this wheat variety that was dark brown and crunched! I'm telling you it crunched, on account of it was made out of cow feed!
The first night, she fixed hamburgers! I was starving. She placed big juicy burgers on the table for her and the boys and plops a small dried up patty between two pieces of frilly lettuce in front of me!
I got my hand slapped when I went for the mayonnaise. She handed me the mustard. Mustard is about the only condiment a man can eat on a diet. Read the label, there is no nourishment in it. She allowed me to consume a gallon!
One morning she says she's going to Mickey D's and started taking orders. "I'll take a Big Breakfast with hot cakes," I said, "with an extra hash brown."
"You'll have an egg white delight!"
Boys, this is an ingenious culinary fabrication. They take a perfectly normal hen fruit, suck out the yellow, poach the rascal and slap it on a muffin, and add a slice of Canadian bacon.
The fella that slices this delicacy has an amazing talent. You can take this slab of meat and lay it out on a newspaper and read the headlines through it! Heck, you can read the small print too! I tested it.
She returned and confiscated the bun and the little dinky piece of cheese then handed me my breakfast on a saucer. I think she felt sorry for me when she saw my expression because she tore the cheese in half and tossed a piece on the plate. The dog got the muffin and the rest of the cheese.
Do you know how embarrassing it is to go through a drive up window and say, "Give me a sausage biscuit please," and the Missus hollers over your shoulder, "cut the biscuit on that order?"
The people in the restaurant were in on it too, on account of they handed me this huge styrofoam plate with a shriveled up piece of sausage laid in it, with a complimentary plastic fork! Then the girl waved to the wife and said, "How's he holding up Miss Lesa?" She knows everybody in this town!
One morning, about two months into this routine, I was at the mirror and noticed a wrinkle. Heck, I noticed a bunch of loose skin! "Look at this!" I said to her, "I'm getting wrinkles!"
"You've always had wrinkles, Dear, you just had them filled up with fat."
Smart Alec woman!
I think I'd rather be over weight and young looking than wrinkled and skinny and old.
I reached my goal after a few months and she allows me to have a fork full of rice on occasion. I do feel more energetic and healthy too.
So, if your BMI is out of whack, get busy. I did and you can too!
Thanks for reading.