Jesus hosts a spaghetti dinner party every Wednesday for all the new people in the Heaven Computer System.  This week he's got something special planned for Squint.

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Chapter 26 - My First Wednesday In Heaven

  My watch started making a different kind of noise now, this time it was a soft beep.  I dove to the floor in a quick panic and everyone started laughing again.  Before I realized it the watch became silent again.  “What does that mean?” I asked, genuinely scared. 

  “What?  Your watch?” Top asked, genuinely curious, “It’s just Midnight.  Welcome to Wednesday.  We stayed up all night again...”  She said.  Then Kris gasped and said “Spaghetti Wednesday!”  The others nodded and smiled in agreement.  “What does that mean?” I asked again as I started to get up from the floor.  “Spaghetti Wednesday,” Kris explained, “It’s a Heaven thing.  Every Wednesday Jesus hosts a big spaghetti dinner for all the new folks who’ve just been resurrected from the past.  You’ll be invited for sure, Squint.” 

  “I’m not sure how I feel about that.” I said, thinking out-loud again.  They all looked shocked at me for some reason.  “What?” I asked, “He pushed me into a van full of scary proxy people.”  I said.  Then they laughed again.  Ali said, “But you’re still here aren’t you?”  I had to admit that I was okay for now.  “And you learned about those proxy users who were looking for you, right?”  She said.  Again, I had to admit that she was right.  “Then what’s the problem?” she asked me.  I had to think about that for a while, eventually I said, “Well, wine and wafers were one thing, but I don’t think I’ll ever look at spaghetti the same way again.” 

  I had expected them to laugh at my joke, but they just looked confused now, “Wine and wafers?” Ali asked.  “Never mind,” I said, “It must have been before your time.”  Ali just looked at me and said, “You seem to have a fear of Jesus, there’s a pill for that now.  I can help you get...” 

  “No, no,” I interrupted her, I didn’t want to take any pill to make me more religious.  I still had the Spaghetti Monster’s movie theater in the back of my mind.  But I didn’t know how to explain my thoughts, so eventually I agreed to go to Jesus’s spaghetti dinner. 

  I didn’t remember falling asleep that night, but my dreams seemed so real that I began to question reality.  Then I realized that I was having a lucid dream.  In the dream I saw some kind of colorful circle spinning in the sky and the more I looked at it the faster it twirled around until it looked like a bright portal to some other place.  I began to reach out toward the spinning portal but then I thought if I went through it then I might never come back.  Suddenly I was frightened.  I turned to look away from the portal, and realized that there were more portals all over the place.  Each one would take me to a far away destination that I would certainly never return from.  I was surrounded by bright colorful spinning portals.  It seemed as though they were consuming everything around me.  Soon there would be nothing left of the world but portals to other worlds.  And somehow I had to make an impossible decision: which one out of all the portals was the right one for me?  I just knew that if I didn’t choose the right portal then the wrong portal would choose me. 

  Before I knew it I was inside a portal.  And then I began to wake up again, slowly.  I felt drained of energy, and a little bit dizzy.  But I couldn’t remember exactly how the dream had ended, whether I chose a portal or if the portal chose me.  Now I found myself awake on that couch at the newbie hangout place, right where I had fallen asleep.  The only difference was that more people had shown up, and somebody had put a coffee drink vendor by the window.  As I began to sit up Ali sat down next to me.  “Did you have nice dreams?” she asked me.  I just looked at her.  “Didn’t you see the debugging output?” I said, and then I instantly felt sorry for acting snide with Ali.  “Yeah, I saw it.  But it was confusing.  I didn’t know what to think.  That’s why I asked,” she said politely and then added, “How do you feel?  Do you want some coffee?  Top rezzed that for you,” Ali said and pointed at the vending machine by the window, “She gets a commission from the sales.” 

  I looked at the coffee drink vendor and thought to myself that coffee did sound like a good idea.  I stood up and walked a few steps to get a better look at what the vendor had to offer.  It had all different kinds of drinks with funny names that I had never heard of before, like ‘Cherry Mocha 50/50’, ‘Iced Copatty’, ‘Mint Coffeeness’, and last but not least there was a drink called ‘Espresso Pancakes’ which had an entire sub-category with spin-off flavors like ‘Bad Berry’, and ‘Surprise Waffle’.  But nothing that was just labeled ‘coffee’.  So I pulled out my hardware wallet and decided to try a Cherry Mocha 50/50.  The price was about 1/10000th of a Satoshi.  Now I finally realized what Ali meant by the value of money.  As I was standing there wondering how Bitcoins and Satoshis ever became so worth so much, a thick cup with two straws came out of the vendor.  It somehow contained both a hot mocha drink and a cold cherry icy drink.  There was a straw for each flavor, and the straws were close enough together to be able to drink from both at the same time.  As soon as I tried both straws at once I instantly knew again that I was in Heaven, it was the most delicious and interesting drink I had ever drank. 

  I spent some time chatting with Ali about Tops coffee drinks.  She explained what a Copatty was and told me that Mint Coffeeness was her favorite, which surprised me.  The name didn’t sound appealing to me at all.  But she said it was like a carbonated milkshake which intrigued me so I had to try it… And you know what, it was great.  In fact, it almost rivaled Cherry Mocha 50/50 for my new favorite drink of all time.  I asked her what Surprise Waffle was like, and she said it wasn’t very surprising because it tastes just like how it sounds. 

  Then I noticed something flashing in my heads up display.  I clicked on the icon and it brought up a fancy looking invitation to the spaghetti dinner hosted by Jesus.  Reading the fine print on it I realized that it was a standing invitation and that everyone in Heaven was always welcome at Jesus’s table. 

  Ali insisted on taking me clothes shopping to find a new outfit to wear for the spaghetti dinner.  At first I hesitated, but then she said that I looked like a total noob wearing the prison uniform I had died in.  Suddenly I realized that I had been going around Heaven looking like that this whole time.  So I finally agreed to let her take me shopping. 

  Later that evening, at the spaghetti dinner, I had arrived a little late and I was looking for Jesus.  I wanted to tell him that I forgave him for pushing me into the van.  But there were a lot of people there.  Looking at the crowd of faces, I wondered if I would ever find him.  Then I wondered if I would ever meet Socrates.  Just as I was about to give up on my search, I found him.  Jesus was sitting by himself at table in the corner of the room.  As soon as I saw him, he made eye contact with me and smiled.  He waved as if to gesture me to come over and sit with him, so I did.  I walked over and sat right next to Jesus.  He said “Hey, Squint, it’s good to see you again.”  He seemed to be in a good mood.  I smiled and nodded and started trying to talk about forgiveness, but just then Jesus put his arm around my shoulder, leaned over close, and whispered in my ear, “I know you’re wearing a bomb, Squint.”  My eyes got wide and I tried to speak but he hushed me and went on to say that he forgave me first.  I was absolutely shocked!  My mind was reeling with questions and I had no idea what to say. 

  All of a sudden Socrates stood up in the middle of a large crowd who were eating spaghetti near the center of the room.  He was shouting something in a language I didn't understand.  And I don’t know how, but somehow he had gotten his hands on some kind of futuristic laser rifle and was firing it wildly into the air.  “Is that Socrates?” I asked.  “Oh no.” Jesus said calmly, “What is it with you people?” he asked me.  I stuttered trying to explain myself to Jesus even though I had not done anything wrong.  Eventually somebody was able to subdue Socrates. 

  Jesus shouted, “It’s not over yet!” and kicked over the tabled we had been sitting at, just as other historical people began to punch, kick, and shoot at some onslaught of invisible monsters in the room.  Jesus and I took cover behind the table as spaghetti went flying everywhere.  I tried to ask what was going on.  But instead of explaining, Jesus reached over and opened the vest of my fancy new suite to reveal a time bomb strapped to my chest.  “What?  No no no!” I tried to protest, I had no idea that was there this whole time. 

  “Okay, Squint, I’ve got good news and bad news.  You’ve got twenty seconds.”  Said Jesus.  “What’s the good news?” I asked in a hurry.  But Jesus just looked at me and said, “That was the good news.  Now you have fifteen.”  I tried to scream but I knew that wouldn’t help.  Jesus managed to remove part of the outer casing of the bomb revealing 2 wires. 

  “Squint, quick, should I pull out the red wire or the blue wire?”  I had no idea which wire to pull.  “Five seconds, bro,” Jesus said and then added, “Hashtag no pressure.”  My mind felt like it was exploding from the stress, “Red!” I finally shouted in a last-ditch effort to stay alive.  Then I opened my eyes and realized that I was inside the wires somehow.  My mind took a moment to come around to the fact that I was completely surrounded by strange looking wires in every direction.  I kept wondering why all the wires were just sitting there instead of waving around all animated like the spaghetti monster. 

  I tried to move around and realized that I was submerged in some kind of blueish liquid.  I definitely wasn’t at the spaghetti dinner anymore.  I panicked and started pulling at the wires, trying to move myself upward for air.  Then I realized that I had no idea which way was up.  I was trapped there in a hazy world of thick blue water and wires.  I didn’t feel any pain though. 

  A long time passed, but I didn’t drown like I was afraid of.  It seemed like forever, but eventually I saw my own shadow cast over some of the wires in front of me.  Before I could figure out why I was just now starting to see my shadow for the first time, a hand grabbed my shoulder and pulled me backwards. 

  Then I could breath air again.  Kneeling on the ground, gasping for breath, I was covered from head to toe in a bright pink, mostly transparent fluid that smelled a lot like bacon and old pennies for some reason.  “What the what?”  I asked, utterly confused.  Jesus was standing nearby, he handed me a towel and asked me if I saw the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Somebody else who I recognized from the spaghetti dinner was walking nearby and shouted, “Great party Jesus!  It get’s more and more fun every Wednesday!” 

  “Woohoo!  Glad you liked it.”  Jesus shouted back.  I was absolutely shocked.  “What was so great about that?” I asked.  Jesus gave me a funny look and then said, “Come on, Squint, it’s just a little harmless fun.”  I couldn’t believe it and tried to protest.  “Look,” Jesus said, “nobody ever really dies in Heaven.  That’s why we party, to keep from getting bored...  Oh wait, that’s right, you didn't try the bread, did you?”  He giggled a little and said, “We got it specially made by these shamans who used to smoke the stuff to get visions...”   

Meanwhile, earlier that day...

  Ali and I had decided to take a ride in a hot air balloon from the tailors shop to the spaghetti dinner party instead of just teleporting.  It was a long trip, but thankfully there was a snack vendor in the basket to keep us preoccupied.  I was utterly amazed by the scenery once I got a good look at things from up high.  It looked absolutely amazing.  No wonder everybody spent so much time in these parallel worlds.  The vistas were more breathtaking than anything I had ever seen before in real life, or for that matter, in any paintings or video games as well. 

  Ali seemed a little bored, though.  I asked her what was wrong as I pigged out on marshmallow candies from the vendor.  She said she didn’t know, but that she had a strange feeling about that night.  I offered her some candies and she got a handful.  But then instead of eating the first piece, she tossed it over the edge of the basket. 

  We both looked over the edge but we couldn’t see where the marshmallow candy had landed.  A moment later we heard a distant voice from below shouting, “Oh wow, it’s raining marshmallows!  Hey, wait, look up there!”  Ali and I both ducked out of sight, back into the basket at the same time, and laughed out loud together. 

  Somehow I felt drunk even though I hadn’t been drinking anything.  I mentioned how I was feeling to Ali, and she said she hoped that I hadn’t caught that virus that was going around.  I asked her what the symptoms were and she started saying, “High temperatures, sensory fragmentation, temporal dilation, lag, stuttering, missing time...”  I held my hand to my forehead and Ali laughed at me, “It’s not that kind of virus,” she said, “It’s a computer virus.” 

  “Oh, okay.” I said, feeling better already.  Then I thought for a moment and asked her, “What’s the virus called?”  She smiled and said, “Spaghetti Theater.  Isn’t that a funny name for a virus?”  I began to panic so badly that I almost fell out of the basket.  Ali just stood there looking at me with her eyes wide open, and she helped me regain my balance. 

  I finally began to tell Ali about the experience I had in the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s movie theater.  I didn’t think it was possible but her eyes got even wider than before.  “We need to get you to a clinic fast, Squint,” Ali said, “It sounds like it’s already started corrupting your data.” 

  The next thing I knew we were no longer riding the hot air balloon.  We were in some kind of waiting room.  There were a lot of other people there, all apparently waiting to be seen, each with different problems.  Ali hurried over to the counter and whispered something to the receptionist who then looked at me with wide eyes also.  Then a door opened and someone said my name.  Ali told me to go with them and do what they say.  She had a serious look on her face. 

  Then in the doctors office, there were two doctors.  One of them told me to have a seat and wait for results from the virus scan.  Then they both just looked at me for what seemed like a few minutes.  I tried to speak but just heard “Shh!” in response.  Finally they began to nod in agreement with each other, both mumbling technical terms that I didn’t understand.  Eventually one of the doctors told me to roll up my sleeve, and then they put a small sticky bandage thing on my arm.  The bandage had a smiley face on it and somehow I instantly started feeling better again.  I hadn’t even realized that I wasn’t feeling right until then.  But there was just something about that little bandage that did the trick. 

  I looked at the doctor who put the bandage on me, and he said “That’s your patch.  Don’t take it off for at least 24 hours and you’ll be fine.”  Just then I suddenly began to remember things that I didn’t think had happened yet.  I felt confused, but the doctors both told me that it was perfectly normal for lost data to feel ‘unusual’ when it’s recovered.  They explained that the computers render my experience in whatever way they think I’ll understand it, so sometimes lost memories can overlap when they come back. 

  I felt embarrassed, but I didn’t know why yet.  I mumbled something about getting to the party on time and the doctors gave each other a slightly worried look.  “Let me guess,”  said one of them, “the spaghetti dinner party hosted by Jesus himself?”  I blinked and asked him how he knew that.  “I don’t think you’re going to make it to the party,” said one of the doctors with a somber expression on their face.  They both agreed that I needed rest, and they said they wanted to keep me there overnight for observation. 

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