John the Barman. (Short story part 5.)

This is a re-post of a short story I first began posting in September 2016, when I first joined steemit.
The story was first published in 2013 as an e-book and is based heavily, in location on my old local pub and my good friend who worked behind the bar.

GETTING A DATE FOR DEATH

“They always say there are only two things certain in life and that’s death and taxes,” Death said sadly, his words just starting to slur a little. “It’s not true you know. Those rich people hire these sneaky accountants so they don’t pay tax. In fact the taxman pays them money each year, like they don’t have enough to start with. Can you put a refill in that?” He picked up his empty glass and offered it to John.
“Let the cheeky sods try and trick death and they’ll see where it gets ‘em.”
John took the glass and began to refill it with lager while he continued to listen.
“It’s not fair you know, having my job, it really puts girls off once they find out what I do for a living. Take this girl I was seeing, took her out a few times, well twice if you count the second as a date. I paid her bail money and drove her home. She seemed to really like me you know, we had a connection.”
John placed the full glass in front of Death and he picked it up and took a sip before continuing. “Then she spots the scythe and black cape on the back seat of the car and that’s it. I have to explain who I really am and what I do for a living. Well she goes nuts and starts going on about her granddad and demands to know why I took him the day after our first date. She says I couldn’t have cared anything about her to do that, well at ninety what did she expect? Anyone could have seen what was going to happen with him doing that?”
“How did her granddad die?” John asked; intrigued at what a ninety year old could get up to.
“Heart attack at his birthday party, the stripper they hired was half way through her routine, she was rubbing baby oil into her chest with his face when he gave a gasp, grabbed his chest and fell off his chair.” Death explained. “Seems it was too much excitement for him but it looked to me like he died happy. The undertaker couldn’t get the grin off his face so they had to have a closed casket funeral.”
“Well as a way to go, that’s up there with the best,” John said, impressed. “I think most old men would kill to go out like that.”
“Well she didn’t see it that way and jumped out of the car at the next red light and stormed off. She rang me the next day and made some excuse about her not feeling a spark or something. I’m pretty sure she was lying though; she blamed me for her granddad dying. Like I was the one that hired a busty young stripper for an old man with a dodgy heart?” Death shook his head in disgust.
“Well don’t get down over one rejection. It takes a while to find that special someone. She sounds a bit weird and when your second date starts with you picking her up from the police cells, then alarm bells should ring, unless she walks out in a police uniform and has just finished work,” John said encouragingly.
“But I’m a member of every online dating site, even those dodgy Far-East ones, and I’ve only managed one date in the last two years since I joined. Even a traffic warden would get a better hit rate than that and everyone hates them. It’s my job; it’s ruining my love life,” he replied forlornly.
“I think you’re concentrating too much on the negative effect of your job here, let’s work on the positives. What do you have listed as your profession? How have you described it?” John asked.
“It says: ‘Death, I’m there when you die to be your personal soul guide to the afterlife.’ I was told you can’t go starting a relationship with a lie so I put it as simple as I could,” Death explained.
John shook his head. “You’re making yourself sound like a serial killer or some kind of nutcase. We need to find you a new job title. Did you list your name as ‘Death’ as well by any chance?”
Death nodded. “Well it’s what I’m called. So what should I put as my job title?” he asked, curious to see what John would come up with.
“How about having something to do with travel?” John put forward hopefully, rubbing the fingers of one hand on his goatee beard. “You could say you’re a tour guide, you do take people from this world to the next, so it’s not a lie.”
“That’s hardly a high flying career person though is it? ‘Tour guide’ doesn’t say ‘dynamic successful businessman’,” Death said with a shake of his head. “The other three horsemen have great job titles and get loads of dates.”
“Well how about we have you owning the travel company used by all the Hollywood legends?” John added with a grin, pleased with his idea. “Women love it if they think you know all the big stars and you do meet them all at least once.”
Death sat up a little straighter and returned the smile. “I like that. People are impressed if you know film stars.”
“Now we need a name for you to use.” John continued feeling he was on a roll.

To be continued.