The Mausoleum Part 1
This is a part of the Storytelling Mentorship Group by @michelle.gent
A woman stands while staring at the shut mausoleum door as the wind blows.
The cemetery is quiet and cold. Still, she doesn’t want to leave and waits.
She turns as she hears a disturbance nearby.
Two women quickly step behind a nearby gravestone.
“I told you she’d be here. She’s here every day at the same time with that look on her face.”
Shrugging her shoulder while shaking her head she continues, “As if he is going to walk.”
The other woman, “What happened who’s in there?”
“I hear her husband only I don’t know what took him. I heard he came up missing. I saw his name on the mausoleum and knew I dare not talk to her while she has that look in her eyes as if in a trance.”
The other woman, “We should go Clare. I don’t like this.”
Clare is holding back while the other woman is pulling her arm.
“Pull all you want, I know this sounds crazy but there are things we don’t know about in this world we should really ask ourselves. Could it be?”
The wind picks up all at once and becomes brisk. The trees next to them the leaves begin to fall.
The woman lets go of Clare’s arm.
“ It’s getting cold outside we should be going now.”
The night and the cold set in as the cemetery became completely vacant.
Added by Michelle: She shivers and wraps her arms around herself. The night is creeping up on her, the cold accompanies it, chilling her bones even through her coat.
Victoria turns and leaves and once entering her home pulls the fingers of her black lace gloves and lays them on the table. Removes her hat while looking in the mirror briefly.
Rewrite by Michelle: Victoria turns to leave. She glances back only once, the gloom enveloping the mausoleum gradually so she knows there is no point in looking again.
When she gets home, the first thing she does - as she always does, is remove her lace gloves, pulling each finger to loosen the fabric.
She goes over to the writing table and begins to write in her diary. I was there again today and nothing happened. I felt his presence but nothing happened. Those women were watching me again. That one I think she follows me. I need to find out why. I know he’ll return. I must find a way to stop them from coming.
Victoria continues writing. I do miss you my love and I know one day we’ll be together as we planned. I’ll be waiting just as you instructed me.
Original photograph and writing by @rebeccabe
photograph using Canon T6 Hyperfocal Technique ISO 100 F22 1/4 18mm
Oooh! That's great!
I do think you're excited by this (as am I) but you're in control here and you need to pull the reins a little harder.
Draw-out the tension and you will draw your readers in.
Also, one thing to look for is the use of tenses - past present and future should be compartmentalised and separate from each other.
Things can (and do) occur simultaneously, but not as often as you'd think. In your sentence:
Stretch it out, increase the atmosphere.
She shivers and wraps her arms around herself. The night is creeping up on her, the cold accompanies it, chilling her bones even through her coat.
Victoria turns to leave. She glances back only once, the gloom enveloping the mausoleum gradually so she knows there is no point in looking again.
When she gets home, the first thing she does - as she always does, is remove her lace gloves, pulling each finger to loosen the fabric.
I'm not saying that you must use those words, (of course, I don't mind if you do).
Keep the tenses in your mind as you re-read your work and see if you can spot where they merge.
You are spot on as you would say. (Attempting to speak the way you do. lol)
I have only written a couple of screenplays so I knew I had a problem because I want to start and do the setting like you do in screenplays. Example: EXT. Cemetary Day .. you accomplished in that area also so I know you understand. Thanks again for your comment and time. 🎀
You're most welcome!
Personally, I find present tense difficult to wrap the story in. I find it easier to look back on events and describe them rather than get everything in the correct sequence as it happens. I'm really not sure if that makes sense... but it does to me :)
That's a good story..
I sense magic here
thank you ...well you know more than me... our mentor @michelle.gent says our characters will tell us.
Yeah,I read some of her articles
She is awesome
Thats is something interesting story hope Victoria is real person and those two women didn't make her a witch.
Thanks for saying it is interesting and like you I feel the same way.
Great story. Can't wait for more. It's all based on your imagination and how creative you are.
Thanks, I appreciate you saying that.
It looks like a witch thing, I know one day we’ll be together as we planned, explains the witchy black magic.
The story is going to come from my characters but you never know. BTW I don't know yet.
From your characters, I don't believe in this witchy black magic, it sounds world is quite a big place and we know a little
I think I know what you are saying. I am a small speck in an ocean of wonder.
Everyone is
yes...that is my reference too
Then I wasn't able to get it
Good skills... Some chilling moments there.. Nice work....
thank you I am in learning mode on this.
Just....very beautiful
thanks...usually you have a lot more to say...lol
my first shot at writing fiction
Actually, it was very cold at the cemetery while shooting this photo and I did feel a presence.
You know i love your writing. I know I always make big comments,it is just that I didn’t want to ruin it by making further analysis. ☺️
I read it twice
thank you so much for your support. I appreciate it more than you realize. ❤️
Ohh this is awesome, well done!
thanks that is a compliment coming from a published author like yourself.
I sense mystery and magic here, If you let your imaginations run wild the story would turn out to be more.
we'll see ... learning here
Wonderful effort! It's good to read your vivid writing. You have needed writing skills to excel in story writing.