Haven't heard of the Steem Wars parody? This is a crowd-sourced story series hosted by @thewritersblock. My crew, The Darths, include Ani-won Kirsten (@anikekirsten), Darth Speedy (@hispeedimagins), Noont Ewan (@hazem91), and me, Jayna The Hutt. We are on a mission to conquer the galaxy, starting with the Qluegnishea of planet Shabba.

Read the announcement, the initiation, and the call to arms, then check out the #steemwars tag to learn more.

Jayna the Hutt joins at last

(Image credit: Wikimedia Commons)

It gets boring out here in Fatooine. Those slackers, Ani-Won, Darth Speedy and Noont Ewan were supposed to pick me up for a mission light years ago, and here I sit. They’ve transmitted Steem views about their poo-borne shenanigans and I’m like, SO left out.

Fortunately, I had a meth star to conquer. That kept me occupied for a while, at least. Meanwhile, there’s some kind of recession going on, and therefore trading, piracy, and gambling just don’t seem to pay off like they used to. So I'm a little tight on cash or I would have blasted over to their location in my own ship instead of waiting around on a rock formation that actually turned out to be a surly Sarlacc. If things keep up like this I’m going to have to run a garage sale or something.

Ah, there it is. My ride! It pays to have a secret stash of coin from eons of raiding distant planets. Not to mention a crew of pirate minions to fuel it up and get it shiny as a droid. I shall arrive in style!

I suppose Ani-Won, Darth Speedy and Noont may be a little surprised, on account of the sex change and my new voice. I have to say, it’s not what I expected when I started the hormones. I was aiming for a sort of sexy, husky, Princess Leia timbre, and somehow ended up sounding like Alvin the Chipmunk. That’s alright. It’s better than having subtitles follow you around everywhere, and speaking in a voice that reminds people of a cement mixer in heat.

I hope it’s not too late! They promised not to crush too many of the Qluegnisheas without me until I could catch up. But it appears they’ve already landed on planet Shabba and are interacting with Queen Qluegnishea. Why haven’t they stopped those fools from advancing their agenda? Everyone knows the mission: The Qluegnishea CANNOT be allowed to rule. I fear my comrades have fallen under the queen’s spell and may not be strong enough, or perhaps coordinated enough, or perhaps intelligent enough, to carry out the mission. Or maybe they are just too covered in poo to move swiftly and conquer.

Strapping in, I set my vectors. “To Shabba!” I say as I press a series of buttons. I hear my crew snickering at the sound of my voice behind me. They seem to have forgotten I am a merciless warlord. I jack up the warp speed and take off without warning. Ha! They all plaster against the back wall like flies to flypaper. Suckas.

Lookout. Jayna the Hutt is on the way.

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