Thinking Inside the Box: A Steem Wars Story, Aboard the Intangible (FINALE)

Okay, am I all caught up? Great.

We showed up on the ship, and Byepeex started firing at Negavader again. I think he likes him.

Tangle broke it up with her, um, overtly feminine nature I guess.

Her pheromone’s rose too, and I thought I’d throw up.

And then, woah! Neg picked up a hitchhiking nipple and Tangle got all upset about it. She pointed a blaster at Negavader’s third nipple, and Byepeex did the same. I wanted to burn all of them, honestly, and decided to text Juavez-7 to see if I could get him there quick enough to put me together.

He said he’d be there in five.

This is what happened until he got there:

Tangle: It seems we have a stowaway on Underlord Negavader.

Byepeex: (clenches butt) I’ll take care of this.

Negavader: I can’t imagine you’re a good enough shot to-

[blaster sound]

Byepeex: Nailed it!

Negavader: (in pain) You literally shot all around it. Oh, look, it’s on the floor now. It’s slithering under the… yeah, it’s gone.

Tangle: Intangible! Can you read the foreign organic matter? Where’s it going?

Intangible CPU: I think it’s going for an escape pod.

Tangle: We can’t let it get away! Imagine the information it must’ve gathered under Negavader’s shirt.

Negavader: (still in pain) Well, it knows I need to work out more. Oh no, that’ll ruin your whole operation Tangle. We must (AGH) stop it.

During this time, Juavez-7 arrived, and I asked him to drag my box into a corner so they couldn’t see my, um, nuts and bolts while Juavez-7 put me back together again.

He smelled of cheap Corona, and I’m not talking about light around a star either.

“Alright,” I stepped out of the shadows, fully built, nitrous oxide spitter aimed at Tangle’s head, “First things first, Tangle and Byepeex need to get a room. Their butts are made for each other. Second,” I sprayed nitrous oxide into a vent by my feet and got the desired reaction; the third nipple dropped from the over head vent, gassed out, and I burnt it to a crisp as it fell, “I don’t think the nipple was a spy. It was probably just a baby.”

“Oh God!” Negavader gasped.

“It probably would’ve have bored its way into Negavader’s bowels and turned his organs into mush that it would eat so it could turn into one of the tits outside and, by my guess, lactate all over the universe.”

“Oh. Screw that baby.”

“In case you didn’t know…”

“Yes,” they echoed, “You’re Sixty Wine. We definitely didn’t order you.”

“I’m not too thrilled to be here either, frac-holes. But while I am, let me set a few things straight.” I turned to Tangle, who was fiddling with her blaster. I assume she wondered if it’d kill me.

I honestly wanted to see her try.

“Tangle, Glacdick Tater, whatever they call you, Negavader is planning to usurp your whatever you’re trying to do.”

“Sixty Wine! I thought we had something!” Neg was obviously disappointed.

“Neg, you threw pamphlets in my face.”

Tangle was smiling. “I know.”

Neg and I turned “You know what?”

“I know Neg has planned to overthrow me. It’s okay. It’s cute how he tries to hide it and what good dictatorship has gone unopposed!”

“That’s… okay.” Neg stared between his knees. A little blood dribbled from his chest to the floor, and I guess he must’ve remembered his predicament then, because he said “Can we go to a safer planet now? One with adequate medicine and aptly-censored boobies?”

“Yeah.” Tangle said. “We need to enter the Central New Westchesteristan Zealandiam time zone so we can look for whatever DMTLE is.”

“Wh-why…?” Neg started.

“I’ll explain on the way,” Tangle looked over her shoulder at me, “Are you tagging along?”

“I mean, I could just kill all of you in equally entertaining ways instead.”

“Tag along it is then.”

~

Okay, yep. That's it. I don't know how much I love it, but it wraps up things on my end and really ties the whole thing together, sloppily or otherwise.

Here's the other parts in case you missed it.

Part 1, by Tangle Branch

Part 2, by Negativer

Part 3, by Jasonbu

Part 4, by Tangle Branch

Part 5, by Negativer

Part 6, by Jasonbu

Sixty-Wine Side Story, Part 1, by Caleb Lail Musik

Alright, I'm gone. Deuces!