The Steemiverse: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Reader Ship Flying Wardrobe. Its mission: to seek quality content in the Stream of Steem. To curate unknown writers. To boldly upvote posts no man has upvoted before!

You Bought What?

Usually I enjoy the quiet when the ship is empty, but today... Today I zip back and forth along the wires between the bridge and the cargo bay. Pacing AI style.

I told them to beam everything straight to cargo. It's bad enough I'm being filled with junk. I don't need it spreading out into every nook and cranny of the ship before absolutely necessary. Hopefully we can confine most of it to the cargo bay and still meet the requirements of Dr. GMuxx's ridiculous mission. How can buying a bunch of random stuff be important to the Steem?

Anyway, I hope they found me a good body. This crew is so crazy that I can't trust them out of my sight. Seven and Zombie are probably fighting over brains right now and getting arrested by the local authorities. Who knows what kind of trouble the witch and the woofkie might get into. At least the Vegan seemed unlikely to be a problem...

The alarms ring as things begin coalescing in the middle of the cargo bay. My wayward crew has at last returned. I set all the screens in the room blinking to welcome them home.

Jay arrives sitting in a small wooden shed with an open door, so at least they bought something. Ooh, pretty. There is moss on the roof. Space is generally lacking in herbaceous non-vascular bryophyta, so I've only ever seen moss and lichen on the net. I adjust the angles on the cameras covering the bay and zoom in, beaming my favorite close-up shots to the various screens.

Eventually I realize Tiny is talking to me and force myself away from the fascinating plant growth. She says, "Bex, before you panic--"

I replace the awesome macros with angry bold red text. Where's my body?

Seven steps forward. "It will be arriving in approximately 3.76 minutes by cargo shuttle with the other stuff Tiny ordered."

I scan the meager contents of the bay. Good. This doesn't look sufficient for meeting Dr. GMuxx's orders.

Seven and Tiny begin pulling items from a box. I go back to contemplating the moss on the roof and don't really pay attention until they wind down.

I put a moss-colored message on the screen. But you didn't find any brains?

Zombie shook his head and his worms joined in. "Only the one in here." He holds up a jar containing a weird looking head. "Leonard Nimstoy. He's famous." He smiles and turns the face towards himself. “Famous brains are the best brains, isn’t that right Lennie?”

I search through my memory banks but find no reference to that name. Maybe it was in the corrupted bit. Isn't important anyway.

"Bex, I can't eat Leonard.” He looks at the head again. “At least not yet. I'm going to need brains soon unless..." He eyes Jay and Tiny and his worms do a hypnotic dance.

I sigh. I did promise you some. Anywhere else around to get any?

"I'll find some." The tall witch moves towards the nearest console.

"STOP!" I yell so loudly that the ship's walls shake from the vibrations. "Back away from the console."

"But the Steem will--" She takes a step closer.

"No. With your luck, we'd end up taking a tour of the nearest intergalactic sewage system." I disable that console, just in case.

Seven's eyes flicker as he scans his memory banks, trying to make the connection. Jay smirks and winks at me. Zombie's worms continue to eye the witch and the poet.

I put a spotlight on the structure. "It's bad enough you lot installed an outhouse in the cargo bay. Is that thing even sanitary?"

Jay steps forward. "Actually, it's a TURDIS, not a privy. A Timetravel Utility Relativity Device In Shithouse. And the receipt guarantees it was thoroughly disinfected prior to the sale."

"I don't think it's clean anymore." Zombie points to a raggedy furball lifting its leg and watering the corner of the TURDIS.

IT PEED ON ME? WHO BOUGHT THIS DISGUSTING CREATURE?

Carnif Geb scratches frantically behind his furry ear. "You did say we were supposed to fill the ship with bargains and you can't beat free when it comes to getting a deal."

He's old and skinny. The owner should have paid you to take him.

Geb smiles, revealing pointy white teeth. "He did, in a manner of speaking. A nice meal." He licks one hand then rubs it on his whiskers.

Liam bounds across the bay and bows to the hound, who was busy sniffing his way towards Zombie.

Concerned I would cause an Intergalactic incident insulting some sort of Woofkie royalty, I fine-tune the lifeform scanner and conduct a thorough exam of the new arrival.

Tiny whistles. "Lou, leave him be. He's not a toy."

The scan results confirm the new dog really "ain't nothing but a hound dog" and I sigh in relief. I would expect royalty to have better potty habits than peeing on my floor, but you never know what cultures you might meet.

Then the detector starts ticking in further life form results by the hundreds. And the Vegan scratches his cheek while one foot taps a rapid rhythm on the floor. Ut-oh.

Carnif Geb, you need to give your new friend a bath. A flea bath. I pause a moment, watching him scratch. Then take one yourself.

He squirms and claws at his clothing.

He also has worms.

Zombie takes a few steps closer to the beast and his worms lean so far forward they almost fall out of his head.

Not that kind of worms.

He takes another step forward, too distracted to notice my message.

"Zombie, not that kind of worms." Blargh. I hate speaking. Sorry, intestinal parasites.

His worms gag and retreat into his head. “Those two should never be confused in polite conversation.” He makes a retching sound and backs away.

Geb puts a hand on his throat and makes a few strangled sounds. Then, still cat-faced and itchy, he barks at the dog. Hound and Vegan leave the cargo bay.

Tiny checks over Liam. "You're getting a bath tonight, too. Just in case."

Liam whines and covers his face with his paws.

Now, where's my body? It's late!

---

In honor of Geb's hound, I pledge the SBD portion of the payout of this post to @tarc to support their efforts in deworming, vaccinating, spaying, and neutering homeless dogs like Geb's old hound. However, usually the hillbillies around TARC abandon, neglect, or abuse unwanted dogs as opposed to having the owner eaten by a Vegan. But you never know...