Good evening, beautiful Steemsters and Steemstresses!

---

Join us tonight on the Steemstar Network for Steemstar After Dark! We're live in about 15 minutes!

---

This show is hosted by my beautiful and multi-talented wife, @carrieallen, co-hosted by me, and starring YOU!!

---

Here's how it works. We spend the week collecting scripts (or writing them ourselves) to be performed LIVE on the radio! With a focus on comedy and music, we aim to make this show Steem's version of SNL.

---

We're always looking for new writers and voice performers, so come join in the fun, Friday nights on Steemstar!

How do I Get to the Fun?

Discord Steemstar Network

Steemstar.net 24/7 live Stream

Twitch

Youtube

---

Here's my script. It's called Mosquitoes Suck, part of the Animals Suck series. Enjoy!

MOSQUITOES SUCK
By Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR
NANCY - A Mother Mosquito
GEORGE (female) - One of her Young

NARRATOR

In a small puddle, near the front porch of the Hendersons’ home on a quiet Sunday morning, a female mosquito sits patiently waiting for the first of her 300 offspring to appear. She had laid the eggs a mere two days ago, her larvae had time to grow underwater, and now they were ready to emerge, full-grown mosquitoes, ready to suck. The Hendersons are having a barbecue today, and little do they know that surrounding their home, hundreds of tiny examples of this very scene are being played out… Look out, it’s spawning day!

NANCY

Hum-de-ho de-dee, three hundred babies for me! I love spawning day! I see them down there, all my lovely little babies, swimming for the surface of the water. I’m so proud of you all! Don’t worry, mama’s here! I’ve done this all before, and there’s nothing to worry about. Just swim up to the sound of my voice. That’s the way!

NARRATOR

One by one, the mosquito pupa begin breaching the surface of the puddle, like tiny soldiers assembling their ranks. The mother mosquito expertly guides them into this strange new world.

NANCY

Just like that, my babies! Just sit on the surface of the puddle until your wings come all the way out. If you try flying before your wings are out you’re in for some trouble.

    NARRATOR

As the brand new mosquitoes’ wings finish sprouting, they begin to gather into two large clusters.

    NANCY

That’s it, babies! Boys over here, girls over here! Now boys, you’re just going to hang out here at the puddle, drinking water. The water will help you grow big, so drink up! And no poking each other with your pointy noses. Water just doesn’t do it for me and your sisters, so I’m going to take them to the backyard and show them the ropes. I’m sure you’ll all be fine here in the puddle in the meantime. Let’s keep the rough-buzzing and horsefly-play to a minimum, shall we, gentlemen?

    TINY VOICE

What’s the backyard?

    NANCY

Oh my! Who’s that? Who said that?

    TINY VOICE

It was me! Where’s the backyard? What is the backyard?

    NANCY

My my, aren’t you a little over-achiever? Already talking, and the only one!

TINY VOICE

Big deal. We go from larva to instinctively flying in a matter of days and you’re impressed that I’m talking?
NANCY

That’s a great point, tiny one. But don’t get ahead of yourself. Make sure you pay attention to your lessons.

    TINY VOICE

Yeah yeah yeah. No problem. So about the backyard… Is it far? Do I need to pack a sandwich to go?

    NANCY

Oh, nothing like that, it’s just on the other side of the house… but aren’t you inquisitive? So curious… I think I’ll call you George.

    GEORGE

But I’m a girl!

    NANCY

You sure are, George. A beautiful girl! And now, follow me, and bring your sisters!

    NARRATOR

The female cluster of young mosquitoes obediently follows their mother, as she leads them to the backyard, where the Hendersons’ barbecue guests are already arriving.

    GEORGE

What’s that delicious smell, mama?

NANCY

Why, it’s the grill! Listen my children! You must always find the grill. Around it gather the humans upon which we must feed.

    GEORGE

Is that the grill, where that smoke is rising?

    NANCY

Yes, but we mustn’t go to close to the grill. What we’re looking for is exposed human flesh.

    GEORGE

That huge guy standing by the grill has a ton of exposed flesh.

    NANCY

Trust me, George. The smoke from the grill would ruin the experience for you.

    GEORGE

So we’re just going with George for my name?

    NANCY

Absolutely. That’s what you get for being so curious. You see that rectangular pond over there?

    GEORGE

Yeah, so what?

    NANCY

Well, it’s not a pond at all, but a swimming pool. Humans gather around it on the hottest days, wearing almost nothing, and sometimes actually nothing.

    GEORGE

Like that lady over on the other side of the pool? She’s hardly wearing anything.

    NANCY

And no smoke in the air! Plus she’s sleeping, which makes her a perfect practice subject for my beautiful daughters. Follow me girls!

    NARRATOR

The large cloud of tiny mosquitoes follow their mother to the other side of the swimming pool, where they hover safely above the young sunbathing woman. They eagerly await their mother’s demonstration.

    NANCY

So basically, I just swoop down, as quickly and unnoticed as I possibly can. Total stealth isn’t the name of the game. It’s most important to just get in their, do your business and get out. Don’t dilly dally, remember that every time you go in to feed, your life is at risk

    GEORGE

You can’t make me risk my life to eat! Hunger strike, sisters!

    NANCY

Suit yourself, but your sisters can’t even understand you, George. They don’t know what a hunger strike is. It’s risky, sure, but it’s part of being a mosquito. Just watch, everybody!

NARRATOR

Nancy, the mosquito matron swoops down and lands gingerly on the neck of the sleeping sunbather, who does not so much as twitch. In a moment, her long proboscis had penetrated the leathery human skin and was slurping the precious blood from the human’s veins.

    NANCY

[with mouth full] And don’t quit too early. If they didn’t notice you and you feel like you’re in the clear, just drink up until you’ve had your fill.

    NARRATOR

Finally, Nancy the mosquito has had her fill. She pulls her proboscis from the human’s neck and flies back up to her cloud of daughters.

    NANCY

So you see children… That’s pretty much how it’s done. Questions, George?

    GEORGE

How much blood do they have?

    NANCY

Oh, it’s unlimited. They just keep making more.

    GEORGE

Then why are they always trying to kill us?

    NANCY

Because they’re afraid of a little itch. Oh look! More guests are arriving. You see how they’re all different shapes and sizes, children?

GEORGE

Yeah, what’s up with that? We all look the same, but they’re all way different.

    NANCY

Different person, different blood, every time. Every person’s blood is a unique representation of them.

    GEORGE

So how do we know which ones are best?

    NANCY

Excellent question, George! You’ll want to avoid the skinny ones and the ones that move really fast. They always taste the worst.

    GEORGE

So mainly the fat ones?

    NANCY

To over-generalize… yes. And you see that man down there? He just finished his third beer, and he’s only been here about ten minutes. He’ll be one to watch. May not taste the best now, but a little later he’ll be a sweet treat.

    GEORGE

From the beer, you mean?

    NANCY

Oh yes. The beer sweetens up his blood, while also significantly dehydrating him, so he’ll be just delicious… and he’ll be so drunk he won’t notice. We’ll all have a feast!

GEORGE

Wow, this is great! Thanks for all those great tips, mama!

    NANCY

I think you girls are ready, and I’m sure you’re getting hungry!

    GEORGE

I know I am!

    NANCY

My brood is so lucky to have been born on barbecue day!

    NARRATOR

As the young mosquitoes fly gleefully toward the unsuspecting humans proboscis first, Nancy looks down at her little ones with pride, thinking fondly that in just a few weeks time, all her young would be fully grown and ready to have multiple broods of their own. Always remember… Mosquitoes suck.