Ho ho ho, Monsters!

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It's the last Friday before Christmas! One more Playhouse!

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I won't be able to co-host with @CarrieAllen tonight, but I was able to whip up a little Christmas special edition of the Steem Monsters Tavern, to be performed live tonight!

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Never Been to the Playhouse?

It's the only interactive Sketch Comedy Show on the Steem Blockchain! Through the SteemStar Discord Channel, people all around the world can perform in our all-original comedy sketches!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern Christmas Special - "Fuel Log"

by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS

COCATRICE - Only squawks. Wearing jingle bells.
GOBLIN SORCERER - The Bartender
PIRATE CAPTAIN - Has a musket and is not afraid to use it.
DARK ENCHANTRESS - The Dark Eternal Queen.
STONESPLITTER ORC - Really excited about Santa Claus.
GOBLIN SHAMAN - Goblin kin from the Burning Lands.
LORD OF DARKNESS - Doing the Santa thing.

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

NARRATOR
In the Enchanted Woods, a bright moon has risen over a frigid evening. The Steem Monsters are settling into the Tavern for the night where they will stay warm together through the longest night of the year. Holiday cheer fills the air, as the monsters file in with gifts to be exchanged. With the help of the Pit Ogre, Frank the Goblin Sorcerer has borrowed one of the Everburning Trees from the Burning Lands, and thanks to a magical chimney crafted by the Kobold Miner, the Tavern has not yet burned to the ground. Some idiot tied jingle bells around the Cocatrice’s neck, and most of the monsters are now trying to catch the Chicken-Dragon Thing. Welcome to the best party of the year! It’s Christmas in the Steem Monsters Tavern!

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
Ba-Cawwwwkk!

GOBLIN SORCERER
There he is! Don’t let him get away!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Y’arrr! Leave that little varment to me!

SOUND FX - MUSKET SHOT

COCOTRICE WITH BELLS
Ba-CAWWWKKK!!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Careful with that musket, Pirate Captain!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Y’arr! An expert marksman be I!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I don’t care how expert you are. That’s the Cocatrice you’re aiming for. He dodges bullets.

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Y’arr! But can he dodge musket balls?!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I would think so. Bullets are more accurate anyway.

PIIRATE CAPTAIN
Y’arr! Sounds like a challenge!

SOUND FX - MUSKET SHOt

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
Ber-Cawwkkk!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Easy! That time you blew off one of the Clay Golem’s hands. That’ll take him hours to grow back.

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Y’arr. Sorry. I need a bigger gun.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Clearly.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Excuse me, Frank, but have you seen Goldie? I can’t find him anywhere.

GOBLIN SOCERER
No, your Dark Ladyship. I haven’t seen him all evening. But I have been pretty busy refilling everyone’s nog and getting ready for the gift exchange.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
What’s nog?

GOBLIN SORCERER
You’re telling me The Dark Enchantress herself has never had nog?

DARK ENCHANTRESS
That’s right. What the hell is it?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, nog is the best. It’s a creamy drink that people only like at Christmas. Really fattening though.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. What’s in it?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Beats the hell outta me. Step up to the Nog Bar, I’ll give you the tour.

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
Ber-CAWWWWKKKK!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Um, your Ladyship? Could you blast that little bastard for me?

DARK ENCHANTRESS
The little Cocatrice? Whatever for? He’s just adorable!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Anyway, step up to the Nog Bar. We got classic Egg Nog right here. Then you got your Nog, your Enchanted Nog. That fourth one there is the Fermented Nog - I wouldn’t touch that one if I were you, but that new Mushroom Guy from the Green Splinter seems to like it. Says it gives him visions.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
What about that smoking one? It’s got my attention.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, that’s the Flame Nog. Only Ferexia should mess with that one. Twisted Jester tried a sip earlier and his tongue mostly melted.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
That’s terrible!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Not as terrible as you’d think. He was spewing a slew of terribly offensive knock-knock jokes. Everybody wanted him to stop. Now he’s just gonna have to swallow his pride and visit the Divine Healer. She’ll fix him right up, but he’ll have to wait till tomorrow; the Divine Healer’s already pretty wasted.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
What’s that black bubbly Nog next to the Flame Nog?

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s the Soul Nog. That’s probably the one for you. I mean, you are the Queen of the Dark Eternals.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Was it made with real souls?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Far as I know.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Are they locally sourced, organic souls?

GOBLIN SORCERER
What makes a soul organic?

DARK ENCHATRESS
Mostly flavor. Sometimes price. And I’m only interested if the souls were harvested sustainably.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I don’t know that it’s ever sustainable to harvest souls.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Then you’ve obviously never seen the Dark Eternal Missionaries at work.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Touche. I’ll let you think about it…

SOUND FX - SCRATCHING ON THE ROOF

GOBLIN SORCERER
Did you hear that?

DARK ENCHANTRESS
I’ll take the Soul Nog! Hear what?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Dunno. Sounded like something on the roof. That’s weird. I didn’t have any rooftop deliveries scheduled until Wednesday.

STONESPLITTER ORC
Maybe it’s Santa Claus!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Easy, Stonesplitter Orc! Don’t get too excited!

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Whoa! Watch where you’re swinging that axe! Do you even know who I am?

STONESPLITTER ORC
No. I’ve never seen you here before. You sure are pretty though.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Thanks. I’ll tell the Lord of Darkness you said so. He’s my boyfriend.

STONESPLITTER ORC
Goldie? I love Goldie! I was only kidding before! I don’t really think you’re pretty.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
You don’t?!

STONESPLITTER ORC
I mean, I do! I just-- Goldie-- I’m afraid of him.

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Don’t worry, Christmas turns the big guy into a real softy. Wouldn’t harvest a soul this time of year.

SOUND FX - ROOFTOP NOISES

STONESPLITTER ORC
It’s Santa! I’ve been a good Orc all year, Santa! I didn’t cleave anything but stones, I promise!

GOBLIN SORCERER
You better not get your hopes up, Stonesplitter. We weren’t really expecting a visit from Santa, considering that the Steem Monsters Tavern isn’t really on his interdimensional radar.

STONESPLITTER ORC
Are you saying Santa’s not coming?! Nooo!!!!

GOBLIN SORCERER
No, no, no! Take it easy, big guy. Santa’s definitely coming!

DARK ENCHANTRESS
Maybe he’ll bring you an orthodontist to fix that underbite of yours.

STONESPLITTER
That was uncalled for. I’m gonna climb onto the roof and look for Santa.

GOBLIN SHAMAN
Hello, Goblin Cousin from the Green! I brought the fuel log.

GOBLIN SORCERER
If it isn’t the Goblin Shaman! I haven’t seen you since early Alpha! Don’t you mean Yule Log?

GOBLIN SHAMAN
What the hell is a Yule Log? No, I said I brought the Fuel Log.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Okay, so what’s a Fuel Log?

GOBLIN SHAMAN
What does it sound like? It’s a log, soaked in fuel. Should burn for hours. Sometimes I wonder about you, Frank.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s great, I’ll throw it in the fire, thanks!

GOBLIN SHAMAN
Also, I brought you a present.

GOBLIN SORCERER
A purple potion! I’ve always wanted a purple potion!

GOBLIN SHAMAN
And now you’ve got one! I won’t tell you what it does; that can be a surprise!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I never knew the Ferexia Goblins had such Christmas cheer.

GOBLIN SHAMAN
What the hell is Christmas?

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
Ber-CAWWWWKKK!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Quick! Get the Cocotrice! Dammit, he’s too quick.

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
Baaa-Cawwwwwwk.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Did you say “What’s Christmas?”

GOBLIN SHAMAN
Yeah, what’s that? Some kind of holiday you guys celebrate in the Green Splinter?

GOBLIN SORCERER
You don’t know about Christmas? But you brought me a present.

GOBLIN SHAMAN
Can’t a Goblin bring a present to his Goblin pal anytime he wants?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sure he can, but what about the Fuel Log? Are you telling me that’s not a Christmas pun?

GOBLIN SHAMAN
I just thought the Monsters in the Tavern could use a good hot Fuel Log.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I see.

SOUND FX - ROOFTOP NOISES

GOBLIN SHAMAN
What’s going on on the roof?

GOBLIN SORCERER
The Stonesplitter Orc is up there looking for Santa Claus.

GOBLIN SHAMAN
Who’s claws?

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s more Christmas stuff. I don’t want to explain.

GOBLIN SHAMAN
Nice Everburning Tree! Although you may want to reconsider putting it indoors.

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s cool. I convinced the Water Elemental to spend the night in the overhead sprinkler system, just in case. He is one of the more useful Elementals. Anyway, the Everburning Tree makes a hell of a Christmas tree.

GOBLIN SHAMAN
You guys have some weird traditions. I’ll catch you later, Frank.

SOUND FX - ROOFTOP NOISES

GOBLIN SORCERER
I swear, it sounds like something, or someone is about to crash through the ceiling.

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
BER-CAWWWWWKK!!

SOUND FX - LOUD CRASHING

LORD OF DARKNESS
Uh-oh. I broke you chimney. Hey Frank!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Goldie! There you are! Everybody was starting to wonder. What’s with the Santa suit?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Duh. It’s Christmas. I was trying to do the Santa thing, but it’s not going so well. If you can believe it, I’ve got eight Baby Dark Rexxies up there on the roof.

GOBLIN SORCERER
No wonder we kept hearing things. Hey Frozen Soldier! Could you put out that fire that’s spreading out around the Everburning Christmas tree? Thanks!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Sorry about the chimney. I really thought I was gonna fit.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Don’t you have the magic ability to shrink yourself as little as you want?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Dammit. I forgot about that.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s a pretty big sack you got there.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Thanks. It’s full of presents for all the good monsters.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I figured. You want something to drink?

LORD OF DARKNESS
How about that purple potion sitting on the bar in that fancy bottle?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh that. I don’t really know what’s in it. It was a gift from the Goblin Shaman.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Do you mind?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Be my guest.

LORD OF DARKNESS (drinks loudly)
Whew! That’ll put some purple in your nurple!

GOBLIN SORCERER
How is it?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Tastes like purple, my boy.

COCARTRICE WITH BELLS
Ber-Cawwwwkkk!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ve had enough of that chicken! Could you please flame whip him for me, Goldie?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh him? Cocatrice is just trying to get everyone’s attention. Look at him… he’s literally bursting with Christmas cheer.

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
Ber-Cawwkk!

LORD OF DARKNESS
He just wants to sing a song, so that all the Monsters can feel a little of his Christmas joy.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Fine. Go ahead, Cocatrice. No one will blast you. Probably.

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
[Clears Throat, then sings Silent Night]
Bawk bawk bawk bawwwwwk. Bawk bawk-bawk bawwwwk. Bawwwwwk bawk bawwwwk. Bawwwk bawk bawwwwk…..

SOUND FX - CLAPPING AND CHEERING

GOBLIN SORCERER
That was beautiful, Cocatrice. I’m sorry I wasn’t treating you fairly earlier. You and your bells are welcome to spend Christmas right here in the Steem Monsters Tavern. Come on up onto the bar.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I wouldn’t go that far…

SOUND FX - COCATRICE POOPING

COCATRICE WITH BELLS
[guilty] Ber-cawwwwk.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Dammit, that’s it! Somebody get that little squawking pooping bastard!

NARRATOR
And so, on that long night in the Steem Monsters Tavern, a new Christmas tradition was born. Chase the Cocatrice promises to be a game that countless future generations of monsters will enjoy. The Lord of Darkness distributed his presents to the nice monsters, which made the naughty monsters quite upset, but that’s what they get. Late into the night, as the Monsters gathered around the warmth of the Fuel Log, the Lord of Darkness regaled them all with stories of Glorious Dark Eternal conquest. No matter how savage the Steem Monsters fight, merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

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