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RE: My entry to the Steemit Winter's Collective Play (Under the Category: The Billion Dollar Secret )
Nicely done, @reewritesthings!
My suggestions are the same as those of @rensoul17, with the addition that a new paragraph should begin every time the action changes.
This also makes your work a faster read, which will help the flow of your story, and make it more enjoyable for the reader.
Steem on, and keep on writing! Great work.
Thank you so much @crescendoofpeace. Thank you for your suggestion, I will follow it next time.